Could Be the Last Time

I had a very full day today and at 12:05 a.m. it's still not over, but I'm taking a little break.

I had to go to Kingman this afternoon/evening for a Horizons board meeting. It's about a 40 minute drive and I arrived just in time for the meeting. I intended to leave earlier, but just couldn't get away.


The drive is pleasant enough. I've lived in Kansas a long time, but I'm still struck by how desolate it is in places. I live in an area that's considered very populated by Kansas standards, but the entire state has only about 2 million people. More than a quarter of those live in Sedgwick and Reno counties, where I live.

When I saw these cows this afternoon I realized how rare of a scene it is anymore to see cows grazing in a field. Instead they're usually in a feed lot where there is no vegetation left because they're all crowded in together. It was pastoral.

At the same time, I was shocked to realize that something I took for granted - cows grazing in a field - is something that's largely gone.

The meeting was a bit intense and driving back I decided to take a little jaunt up to Cheney Lake. Because of the time change, the sun hadn't set yet, so I decided to wait for the sunset over the water. Why are they always better over water?







Whenever I watch a sunset, or have any other similar experience, I always think it could be the last one I ever see. I guess most people don't go through their daily lives thinking this way, but there has never been a tomorrow for me - there's always just right this second - and that permeates my existence.

I always think every phone call with someone I love could be the last time I hear their voice. I always think a kiss from a lover could be the last time I ever feel their lips. I always think a beautiful sunset could be the last one I ever see.

I guess it may seem morbid to some, but I never think of it that way. I just think it keeps me in the moment, appreciating what is happening right then.

I don't know why I'm this way, but I always have been. I don't remember, even as a child, ever thinking any other way. I can remember closing my eyes tight and covering my ears and trying to imagine what it would be like without someone I loved in my world. It was so horrific that I couldn't stand it but for only a few seconds. But at the same time, I always knew the day would come. And it did. With every person I did that with as a child.

I was writing to my friend, Jim, recently, that it's hard for me to remember that people do not understand grief because it has been part of my life from a very young age. I lost the first person I really cared about when I had just turned 6. My great Aunt Ann had been a fixture in my life. She was only 58. My father died when I was 11, my only grandparent - my beloved Mama Myatt when I was 13. My great Aunt Carrie died the next summer, my Aunt LaVerne the next year, my other favorite aunt, Audrey, less than three years later, and my great Aunt Tina the year after that. All those people were gone before I turned 20. I grew up with the idea that every year or two brought a significant loss. It has stayed with me, I suppose.

So I always look at every event, every occasion, every meeting as potentially the last. I try to burn every sunset, every painting, every experience, into my brain to carry it with me. I never wave goodbye, say goodnight, or whisper I love you to someone that I don't consider if it's how I'd want them to remember me for eternity. When I part from someone I always take one last look at them, in case it's the last time I ever see them. Because sometimes it is.

Bios

I've been working on a bio tonight for a project and trying to figure out what to say about myself. Does anyone really care where I went to school? What boards I serve on? What I do for a living? What I used to do for a living?

I want to tell people the important things about myself - what I think about, what I dream about, what I want. But, we seem to be destined to read a recitation of these regurgitated facts that make up a bio. So, I'm guessing mine will fall into that category eventually.

It leads me to consider where it is that we can truly be ourselves. Where we are allowed to express the parts of ourselves that really matter. Does anyone want to know those things?

I guess some people do, because it's those things I tend to blather on about here. And, much to my surprise, people read it. I can't tell you how incredibly flattered I am by that.

I'm never sure what the purpose of a bio is. Am I trying to impress? Sorry, I can't really do that - I haven't done anything too impressive as of yet in this life. Am I trying to make someone like me? Not sure I can do that either - I just am who I am and you'll either like me or not, but you probably won't be indifferent. Am I trying to say something about who I am? That must not be it because that is not found in the details people give in bios. So, I don't know... maybe if I knew what I was trying to accomplish I'd be able to do it better.

Good Business?

Apple has announced today that it's introducing software to allow Macs to run Windows XP. If there was ever an indication that your product is not serving the public well, it would be that you must offer your customers your main competitor's product to get them to remain your customers.

I'm not going to enter the Mac v. PC debate as it has been beaten to death. But, from a pure business standpoint, they have pinpointed a need - the Mac doesn't work with a large amount of the products computer users desire. Their solution for this need is to create additional market for their main competitor's product instead of changing their own product. The added irony is that windows is the very same product dedicated Mac users have badmouthed for years, all the while apparently coveting it if we are to believe the press material.

Apple's thought is that selling more of their competitor's product will increase their own market share somehow. That's an interesting approach. I'm afraid that PC users do not believe in the superiority of Apple products, regardless of how often their executives say it, so I'm not sure that's going to work. I managed to make a living for years as a graphic designer without ever touching a Mac, although to hear some devotees talk, you would think that impossible.

Mac users have an emotional attachment to the product that I don't think is something you can duplicate in the general public. The brand name on my box doesn't excite me in the least. If something comparable had been $12 cheaper, I'd own that now instead. I'm brand loyal to very few products and so far no computer company has done anything to engender my loyalty. Software companies, on the other hand, have managed. I'm running XP, how about you? Apparently nearly everyone wants to run XP - even those who own Macs and despised anything Bill Gates ever touched just months ago. I couldn't have made a living as a graphic designer without Photoshop at my disposal. I don't care what else is available, I want my Photoshop. So, software, yes, I have some loyalty. The box it's running on - as long as it works well I don't care. I don't even care - shock - what color the plastic casing is.

Most computer users are just that - users - we are not into the intricacies of how they work. We just want to sit down and do what we need to do with little fuss. How we use computers has changed dramatically in the last few years. At one time Macs were a tool for largely stand-alone products, used by graphics people, newspapers and print shops - and a wonderful tool from what I understand. That's not how we use computers now - they are communications tools. They have to do much more than create a product that exists in a vacuum. And they have to speak the same language as the other computers. If you speak only French in an English speaking country, you're going to have a hard time fully communicating with most people. Admittedly, they've gotten much better at this in the last few years, but it's still a struggle at times - at least for people I know who have Macs.

When I worked with printers a lot, I was continually frustrated by their inability to use the products I was bringing them, camera ready, because they were on a Mac. I learned to put in the bid that I would deliver the product camera ready on my software and if they had to redesign it on their end I was not paying additional for it and I was not taking responsibility for proofing their work once it was done. They would show up with a proof, wanting me to look it over when I'd already done all that work once. I also stopped trying to export files in a dozen different ways until they found something they could use on their system. I gave it to them in my file format and it was their baby after that. Apparently everyone got tired of that game about the same time because printers suddenly realized they had to move out into the real world with the other 95% of us and use PCs. It's fine if you love your Mac and are devoted to it, but don't make more work for me because of it. It's OK with me if you're still watching betamax because it's the superior format, too. I'll just use my DVD player.

The computer industry has always offered new business models and this is certainly a new twist - promoting your competitor's product - but it worked in "Miracle on 34th Street." I don't have an MBA, but selling someone else's product seems less than profitable to me. But, we've been surprised before and maybe in two years we'll all be happily running windows on our Macs and thinking it's the best of both worlds.

_____________

Apple Introduces Boot Camp

Public Beta Software Enables Intel-based Macs to Run Windows XP

CUPERTINO, Calif., April 5 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- Apple(R) today introduced Boot Camp, public beta software that enables Intel-based Macs to run Windows XP. Available as a download beginning today, Boot Camp allows users with a Microsoft Windows XP installation disc to install Windows XP on an Intel-based Mac(R), and once installation is complete, users can restart their computer to run either Mac OS(R) X or Windows XP. Boot Camp will be a feature in "Leopard," Apple's next major release of Mac OS X, that will be previewed at Apple's Worldwide Developer Conference in August.

"Apple has no desire or plan to sell or support Windows, but many customers have expressed their interest to run Windows on Apple's superior hardware now that we use Intel processors," said Philip Schiller, Apple's senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing. "We think Boot Camp makes the Mac even more appealing to Windows users considering making the switch."

Boot Camp simplifies Windows installation on an Intel-based Mac by providing a simple graphical step-by-step assistant application to dynamically create a second partition on the hard drive for Windows, to burn a CD with all the necessary Windows drivers, and to install Windows from a Windows XP installation CD. After installation is complete, users can choose to run either Mac OS X or Windows when they restart their computer.

Pricing & Availability

The public beta of Boot Camp is available immediately as a download at www.apple.com/macosx/bootcamp, and is preview software licensed for use on a trial basis for a limited time. The final version of Boot Camp will be available as a feature in the upcoming Mac OS X version 10.5 "Leopard." Apple does not provide support for installing or running Boot Camp and does not sell or support Microsoft Windows software. Apple welcomes user feedback on Boot Camp at bootcamp@apple.com.

System Requirements

Boot Camp requires an Intel-based Mac with a USB keyboard and mouse, or a built-in keyboard and TrackPad; Mac OS X version 10.4.6 or later; the latest firmware update; at least 10GB of free space on the startup disk; a blank recordable CD or DVD; and single-disc version of Windows XP Home Edition or Professional with Service Pack 2 or later.

Tulips Abound

The bulbs I planted in December are doing their thing now. I'm hoping I still have many more to come up because I know I planted many more than are blooming now. I have no idea how these things work, but hopefully more will poke their heads up and bloom yet.




I took time to snap the photo and then went back in the house to get a vase to take some to the office. They were such a cherry thing on my desk all day.




When I got home tonight I decided to pick a few to bring inside. Susan gave me this beautiful Czech glass pitcher when I was at her house.

She collects Czech glass and I admired the beautiful green of this one and she just gave it to me. I told her repeatedly it was not necessary, but she insisted that she would just give it to me later anyway.

Even then I pictured it with tulips in it. It's just as pretty as I anticipated it would be.

I had lunch with Trish today and we had a good conversation. That is a friendship I really treasure. She makes me think. And she's one of those friends who will accept you however you are at the time - happy, sad, puzzled, whatever. There's a lot to be said for that in a friend.

I popped in to see Diana briefly between visiting the bank and going to lunch.

Then I had dinner with Teresa, which is always fun, so it was a nice day of friends. I even worked in a call with Peggy this afternoon while doing some catch up work at the office.

Tonight I've been working on various projects. I'm devoted to the idea of making a living being me, so I'm investing a lot of time and energy in that these days. It's not leaving me a lot of time for other things, but I know it's the thing to do in the long run.

Click here for the Art of Gracious Living #16

When I was a journalist, I learned that everyone has a story to tell. Ordinary people do extraordinary things on a daily basis, and think nothing of it.

When we share our stories with each other, we can appreciate the uniqueness of each individual. It's one way we can connect with those around us, to learn their stories.

Click here for the Art of Gracious Living #16

Jim Doing Better - a Look at Fall River

I'm happy to say that my brother, Jim, is doing much better today. He had surgery last week and then his incision broke open and he had to have surgery again. So, he has had a rough few days. But I talked to him just a little bit ago and he's doing very well.

I am confused by the time change. I keep thinking it must be about 8 p.m. and it's 9:30. We know this is one of the hardest things for humans to adjust to, so we institutionalize it. It's so bizarre.

Why don't we just adjust the work day hours instead of the time? In the words of Greg Holmes, it's noon when the sun is straight overhead, regardless of what the clock says. I can't say I disagree.

I saw the most unusual sunset tonight. It was the most purple I think I've ever seen the sky. That's the upside of the time change - I expected it to be dark long before it was.




The sunset started out as pretty, but normal looking. It morphed into that purple/pink extravaganza.

I am sharing some photos here of a recreational area - Fall River, near Eureka, Kansas.




Some of the shoreline had some really unusual rock, with tons of striation. I do so love rocks!




These rocks were the oddest ones I've seen in awhile - they were a bright yellow on the outside and seemed to crack easily. All were already cracked when I spotted them.

Inside they were layered, with some red, gold and black layers. Very interesting. I've never seen any rocks like them. I don't really know much about rocks, other than I like them.

I pretty much had the place to myself, and that was good. I needed some time to think and some space in which to do it. I had no contact with other humans. These visitors were not thrilled to have me invading their space.




I drove on in to Eureka, where "The Kansas Guidebook" directed me to the Lo-Mar drive in. The burgers are cooked with ground beef from the local grocery, and they're not started until you order. I had time to take a few snaps of the building. I only had to wait a few minutes for my food, and I can tell you that the locals are fond of this place, as opposed to the few chains the town boasts, because the phone was ringing constantly with take out order. I had to wait behind another customer to place my order. A cheeseburger with everything and criss-cross fries racked up a total under $5.

Five Mile Creek

This afternoon Greg, Mia and I went down to where Greg's family used to have a cabin, just over the line into Oklahoma. We chatted with Madella, who owns the property, and wandered around the creek a bit.




Madella reminded me how everyone finds beauty in their world. She had a bouquet of jonquils sitting on a table on her front porch, and also a cloth over another little table on the porch. It was such a nice scene. And, the white kitty that made an occasional appearance completed the view.




I hunted rocks, making some good finds. There are lots of fossil rocks there. There's also a lot of variation in colors in the rocks. It makes rock hunting all the more fun. The first rock I picked up has a hole all the way through it. It will be jewelry for me sometime very soon.

The water there is clear and so you can see the rocks through it. We also spotted tadpoles and frogs and lots of snails. Snails are a good sign because that means the eco system is healthy.

I also did a little quickie watercolor of a log in the water. I hadn't played with my watercolors in awhile, so it was good to have them out again.

I have made my own little travel set of things for watercolor, complete with a mini M and M's tube that was in my Chritmas stocking two years ago to hold water. Amazingly enough it's water tight and it fits into the carrying case where I keep everything I need for watercoloring. I love Ninj brushes - they truly changed my art life.

This afternoon I also played - ever so briefly - with the small colored pencil set I bought at the Getty museum in LA. I had forgotten all about it, but rediscovered it today in my bag. I didn't have time to do much with it but that's just a good project for another day.

Route 66 in the Joplin area - Eisler Bros.

I took off yesterday after work to come to Joplin for the weekend. I wanted to get out of town. I needed a change of scenery. Greg was already here so this was logical.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day yesterday. I did some errands around town just to be outside in the perfect weather. I got up extra early because I wanted to get things done so I could be gone over the weekend. By the time I got here I was pretty tired but the drive was nice - lovely day.




Greg met me in Pittsburg, Kansas, where we ate at the famous Chicken Mary's outside of town. It's right next door to Chicken Annie's, also famous. I found the food to be OK, but nothing exceptional. It's cool that it has been there forever and all of that, but it was nothing to get too excited about. However, the onion rings are very good - and something they're known for. The service was good.

And obviously many people think it's great to go there because it was full of people. So... what do I know. Well, I know the food is better at the Brookville Hotel, even though they moved it from Brookville to Abilene so they could get more money. Ah, but that's another tale starring fried chicken, to be told another time.

Today Greg, Mia and I took off for Eisler Brothers' Store in Riverton, Kansas. It's an old grocery store along Route 66 and is a priceless bit of nostalgia. Actually, it's my favorite kind of history - living and ongoing.

In addition to the Route 66 gift items, they also had plenty of things you'd expect in a small town grocery store - things like batteries and birthday candles. They also had actual groceries, and people were stopping in to buy them. Having grown up in a small town I can appreciate the task of small town grocery stores in trying to serve so many different needs.


Scott Nelson, nephew of the owners, was running the place and I asked him what percentage of the business comes from locals and what from tourists. He said it was about 60% local and about 40% tourists.

They will make you a sandwich with freshly cut meat and cheese and you can eat on the enclosed porch, looking out onto Rt. 66.

Just a few miles down the road is the Rainbow Arch Bridge, built in the 20s. It's the last of its kind.







We did some more meandering and wandering. All in all a lovely day. It was storming when we left Joplin, but it blew over, just as Miss Joy (Greg's Mom) suggested it would.

Tornadoes, Wind and Fire

Hutchinson has had wind, tornado and fire today. My home is fine and suffered no damage of any sort, but others were not so lucky.

As of a few minutes ago, the fire has been declared under control. About 5,000 acres on the east/north side of town burned.




The wind snapped a light pole in half, leaving some businesses without power including Wal-mart and Applebees at times.




The Kwik Shop Headquarters on 4th street had windows blown out. Conklin cars lost a sign and some car windows. At the hospital about 150 cars had windows blown out.

The sirens went off a bit after 1 p.m. There didn't seem to be much to worry about, and there wasn't downtown where I was. However, other parts of town were having some difficulty.

Fortunately, there was no loss of human life.

Memories Blurred

"Memories become blurred by time and the overwhelming number of life-changing events we encounter." Myrlie Evers-Williams

My NAACP magazine, "The Crisis," arrived today. The issue is largely devoted to Coretta Scott King, as one would expect. The backstory section was written by Myrile Evers-Williams and begins with that sentence.

Both of those women lost husbands to assassins - certainly a life-changing event.

But it made me think about the life-changing events we all experience. They're not a purview of the well-known by any means. We are all touched by events that completely change our lives and how we function in the world.

I had not thought about how those events blur our memories, but they do. Over time it all becomes a bit fuzzy about what happened when and how it all came to pass. Maybe for those who have experienced a large number of life changing events it becomes difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. I have certainly felt that at times. Interesting thought.

The Scent of Cover Girl Blush

Scent is the most evocative of all the senses - at least that's what the experts tell us. I believe it.

Tonight I bought some new blush - mainly because what I've been using I dropped and it started to crumble and I hate the mess of that. So, I'm tossing it out. It's old anyway.

You know you should replace makeup regularly because it's a breeding ground for bacteria... particularly eye makeup. OK, there's the public service tip of the day.

Anyway, I just opened the new blush and it has that same smell I remember from my teen years. It's almost antiseptic - very clean smelling. It reminds me of Noxzema. Do they still make Noxzema? I must have used gallons of that stuff when I was a teenager. And perhaps I still should as I have a hideous zit on my face at the moment. When does that stop? Never, apparently.

Anyway, I'm thrilled Cover Girl hasn't changed that wonderful fresh scent. I still get the same thrill out of new makeup that I got when I was 14, and I'm sure part of it is that scent.

Man Jobs

My clothes are hanging on the line, flapping in the breeze. Well, I guess "breeze" is one way to define it when you have a wind advisory.

I came home for lunch. Early this morning I tossed in a load of clothes that would need to be hung out. It's rare I can plan ahead for even a few hours, but -hey- every once in a while I manage.

I'm also taking the opportunity to take care of a few other household chores - like dealing with the trash. Taking out the trash is what I call a "man job," but since I don't have a man in my life at the moment, I have to fill in. So it goes...

I've had a couple of people try to fix me up, but I'm just not interested quite yet. I will be, but just not yet.

But, for future reference, in case you're someone who reads this blog and you know someone you want to fix me up with - there are some requirements I'm not willing to compromise on.

- he can't be living with his mama... or his daddy... or both

I realize there are sometimes good reasons for this - like health issues - but if that is the case it's probably not a good time for him to be in a relationship. Have him call me when everything is resolved. I don't need to be involved in anyone's crisis.

- he has to have some passion about something

It doesn't have to be something I'm passionate about, but I find that people who don't have some passion about something are just really dull.

- he has to be funny

Yeah, I know, but I just don't have anyone in my world who's not funny.

- no moody man

I know we all have moods at one time or another, and that's understandable, but I just cannot deal with a man who has more PMS than I do.

- no drama

Life comes with enough drama. I don't want anyone in my life who creates it just for the fun of it.

- no mid-life crisis

Regardless of the age at which it occurs - sometimes in the 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. - I don't want to be involved. I've already been down this road with two men and I've done my time on this one. I had a mid-life crisis, too. I went and bought some new shoes, gave myself a talking-to, and got over it. I highly recommend it. Of course, if you can afford the sports car - or want the psuedo sports car if you can't afford the real one - go for it. But, you're still going to be living the same life you were the day before. It won't fix it, any more than new shoes will. Shoes are just cheaper.

Am I picky? Hell, yes. There's a reason I have nothing bad to say about anyone I've been involved with in the past - I've always been picky. They are all great guys. I don't intend for that to change.

I'd rather be alone than wish I were.

Surgery and Searching for Answers

The big news of my day is that my brother, Jim, came through his surgery just fine. It's always major when any of your loved ones are having surgery, and this was no exception. Fortunately, all went well.

Otherwise, I managed to push a lot of things out the door today, which is good since they needed to be places before April 1. It's hard to believe April is just a few days away.

Tonight I called Susan about dinner but she was busy. I had a lot of things I needed to get done at home, but I didn't really want to do any of them. I went grocery shopping and did some computer projects and some writing - all things that needed to be done. Keeping all my little side businesses going is requiring a lot of time and attention.

However, more good news with podcasting - I have a new ad contract for Art of Gracious Living. It's for a USA Network show, Show Us Your Character. It's a neat concept - they are looking for ordinary people to tell their interesting stories. I know from years as a journalist, that everyone has a story to tell.

Tonight was Altrusa, but I just wasn't in the mood. I'm contemplating some things with regard to that group and I'm not sure I like all the conclusions I've come to so far. I have committed to doing some work on the district level over the next two years. When that is completed, it will be time for me to seriously consider what my future is with that group, if I have a future. We'll see what happens in the next two years and I'll make a decision using that information.

I did my taxes last night and got them in the mail today. I'm glad to have that off my mind. I'm also setting up my mortgage payment to be an auto deduct thing - that's about enough financial stuff for me in a 24 hour period. I think that's the only bill I have that isn't set up that way so that will mean I have no checks I have to write every month.

Well, it's time for me to go do some "real" writing, with pen to paper. It is on those pages where I really figure things out and I still have a lot of things I need to figure out. My life seems to be constantly changing these days - shifting so quickly I can barely keep up. I did some really important journalling when I was at Susan's farm and I need to continue in that vein. I finished two journals while there. I have another one that's nearing the end so maybe I'll finish it up tonight.

When I'm really troubled I drink kaluha and cream while I write. I'm not feeling the need for that these days so that's a good sign. Of course, I do have milk and kaluha in the fridge... and I think both are still good... but not tonight... tomorrow is a busy work day and it must start early... so I don't need to be drinking at almost midnight.

Wheat Weaving

Cynthia made this cool bracelet and gave it to me at the tea. It's a wheat weaving. I haven't ever attempted wheat weaving. I don't think I should start another hobby!

Tea in Hiawatha, Kansas

Sunday afternoon I was in Hiawatha for tea. It was a benefit for the library there. My friend, Cynthia, who I've known from journaling lists for years, tipped me off that it was happening.

This is the 4th year they've done it and it was perfectly lovely. To top it off, I got to meet Cynthia in person, instead of only on the phone or in writing. That was an added treat. Cynthia is on the left here and I'm on the right.

My friend, Susan, who has a farm in Valley Falls, less than an hour away, invited me to spend the night there and then she and her friend, Kathleen, and I met Cynthia for tea. That's Kathleen on the left and Susan on the right.



We were all able to sit together, which was really fun. Our table was the "Genteel Lady of the Antebellum South." Each table had favors that were in keeping with the theme. Ours were soy candles.

The setting was beautiful. This was my place setting.




They sold out. The tickets were lovely, with different tea cup designs on them. The booklets for the evening had the same designs, all done by local school children, from grades 1-4. You could also buy notecards with the designs. They were $5 for 10 and you could pick the designs you wanted. I loved the cards.

There was a silent auction and table viewing an hour before tea started. The tables were extraordinary.

They were done by different people locally, each with its own theme. Businesses sponsored them and there was a wide variety of designs. Everything was beautiful.
































The food was OK, but not extraordinary. But, the setting was wonderful. The entertainment was a bit different, but did not detract from the experience.

I can't wait to go again. I couldn't decide which tables to show, so I'm including pix of lots of them. I missed a few, but this is a large sampling of what was there.