9:30 Report

The waiting room attendent took a call from the surgery area which reported that Patsy is doing fine - no other information, though. Her surgery continues.

Surgery has Begun

Patsy's surgery began at 7:52, according to the Via Christi surgery waiting room employee.

Getting There and Waiting

Hi there, this is Greg.

After paperwork and a few tests, Patsy was taken to be prepped for surgery at 6:45. She was in good spirits, as she almost always is.

I'll update all of you as new information is available. It'll be awhile, though. The operation probably won't start until about 8AM and in a best case scenario she'll be out in about 3 1/2 hours - that'll be 11:30. If there are updates before then, I'll jump online and tell you.

In the meantime, have some pictures from Patsy's night and morning.



As Patsy noted, it took us one hour and forty-five minutes to drive the usual hour-long trip to Wichita; this is the view just outside the city. We had snow and freezing drizzle at just the right temperature to freeze on the windshield wipers, which we had to stop so I could de-ice. This wasn't a bad thing, as the attention-intensive drive helped keep our minds off the reason for the trip.

Sharon followed us down. It was reassuring to see her headlights following in the distance. When Patsy saw Sharon's truck drive up as we prepared to leave this morning at 3:45, she said she'd never forget her for that.



A pleasant phlebotomist gave Patsy a green band to match a red one she'd been given earlier - very fitting for a Christmas maven.



The hospital bed was delivered and set up yesterday in Patsy's dining room. Last night she practiced ringing her thrift store bell for attention. I noted its fragility; she noted that she has two metal back-ups.

Again, I'll update this when there is any news at all. Thank you so much for your prayers and positive energy.

I'm in

I'm checked in and in radiology waiting for a chest xray. It took about one hour and forty five minutes to get here in the snow and ice. That's about twice the normal time. But we arrived safely. Sharon followed us over. That woman is a jewel. She will wait with Greg today.

Patsy
www.patsyterrell.com
(sent from mobile device so please forgive brevity and typos)

Surgery Details

Greg and I leave for Wichita in the wee hours of the morning. My surgery is set for 7:30 a.m. We are supposed to be at Via Christi/St. Francis at 5:30. We have some snow on the ground, and possibly freezing rain in Wichita, so we're leaving plenty of time to make our way to the hospital near downtown. I'm hoping for the best, and am mindful this may be a blessing in disguise. I appreciate everyone's good thoughts and prayers.

Greg will be updating my blog at www.patsyterrell.com/blog.htm each time he hears something during surgery. If you read my blog elsewhere, pop over there to get the updates. I'm not asking him to update anything other than that one blog.

When I check in I'm going to ask them to give information about my condition to anyone who calls. I'm not sure if they will do that or not, but I'm going to ask. So, if you want an update, hopefully you'll be able to get it that way. Otherwise, you can call my cell phone or Greg's cell phone. He will have my phone during surgery. Feel free to call for updates, or just check the blog.

I'm not sure when I'll be checking email or blog messages again. But you can send me a note through the hospital's system by going to https://www.via-christi.org/body.cfm?id=1991. Thanks so much for your good thoughts and prayers.
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A First Hand Look at the Inauguration by Miles Tossie

Miles Tossie is a high school senior from Hutchinson who attended the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. I prevailed upon him to share some of photos and experiences with us at the blog. I just loved this young man's eloquent account. Thank you, Miles! Here it is:

An Inauguration Experience
by Miles Tossie


The election of Barack Obama means a lot to me personally. Being biracial myself I understand how big this moment was. As someone who would have voted for him had I been 18, this was a truly special event for me, and it was made even better by the fact that I could be there.


I arrived in D.C. on the Tuesday before the inauguration and from that moment I could tell that there was a feeling of excitement in the air. It didn't matter who you were, people treated you like they had known you all their lives. Everywhere you looked people had smiles on their faces. Everyone wanted a piece of history and many people were wearing clothing with Obama's name or face on it.


All of this excitement grew and grew until the 20th came and it was truly palpable. There are very few events that can get people up at 1 or 2 in the morning to stand in the freezing cold for 10 hours for an hour long ceremony. There are even less than can get 2 million people on D.C.'s National Mall, 90% of who knew going in that they may never see him as more than a dot in the distance. But for an event this historic, for a man this inspirational, I know for a fact that all of us who were there would have waited for twice as long in twice as cold a temperature. That was how much we wanted to be a part of history. It was a life changing experience that I will never forget.


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The Days Grow Short

The days before surgery grow short. Tuesday morning will arrive very soon and there are still some things I want to get done before then. But at the same time, I need to keep some feeling of normal life.

Greg and I went to Roy's for lunch. Today was my last chance to have Roy's for awhile. I'm just guessing barbecue is not going to be one of the things suggested for me immediately after surgery. I could be wrong, but it's just a hunch.

After Roy's we went over to Sharon's house. She had some computer questions and I was able to help her with most of them. It felt really good to share some tidbits I've learned that are helpful for her, too.



I've been working in the house, getting things set up. They deliver the hospital bed on Monday and I wanted to get things ready for that, including putting a rug down to set it on. We must protect the hardwood floors, of course.

Getting the bed turned into a hassle. I wanted it delivered Monday, so I could disinfect it and make it up before I go to the hospital. I'm thinking as soon as I get home from the hospital I'm going to want to lie down.

They told me I couldn't get it until I was being discharged. Of course, I don't know when that will be. Somehow I'm supposed to magically be here to let them into my house while I'm being discharged from a hospital an hour away. Duh. I asked Barbara if she would come and let them in and she said absolutely.

Of course, this is all far more complex than it needs to be - a day is a month for rental so the number of days didn't matter - but they said insurance wouldn't pay for it while I was in the hospital.

We asked what if I was being discharged on Sunday. Well, in that case they'd probably deliver it on Saturday and date it for Sunday. Translation: Lying isn't really a problem - we're happy to do that for OUR convenience, but not yours. I just wanted to scream, "Hey, people, I've got some major things going on here... do you just HAVE to make it more complex than it already is? Do you just WANT to make it harder?" Apparently so. Because if you can lie about the date, then it doesn't really matter what you write down and you could deliver it whenever I'd like it done and just write down whatever you need for the system.

Bear in mind, I wasn't asking for any reduction on the cost at all. I'm happy to pay for it to sit idle while I'm in the hospital. I just wanted it taken care of before I left. Simple. Or so you would think.

Of course, I'm only the patient, and therefore have no real rights, so I just left feeling abused by the system. Then, the next morning, they call and tell me my insurance doesn't care - they can deliver it Monday. So, all that was just a little bit of sick fun they like to have with people who are going through difficulty already.

I'm being facetious, of course, but it did feel unnecessarily difficult and unreasonable. Imagine something involving the insurance industry seeming unreasonable. Shocker. Although, in fairness, the insurance didn't care ultimately. And, I'm sure the store was just trying to protect me. But what kind of tale does that make? A dull one.



Tonight I've just been working on more things around the house, and appreciating these little bits of life I'll be away from while I'm in the hospital. As least I'm assuming there will be no Wedgewood Teacups or hand-crocheted bits of lace lying about amidst the tubes and bandages and call buttons.

I'm just hoping there are lots of drugs coursing through my system. My dream is to spend the days after surgery in a drug-induced haze. That was my goal when I had surgery about 20 years ago, but it did not happen. I was in a lot of pain for a very long time.

To add insult to injury the first nurse I had after waking up then was wearing a "Just Say No to Drugs" button on her white uniform. I've never forgiven Nancy Reagan for spearheading that campaign, which was at its zenith. I swear if I had had the energy I would have ripped that button off her uniform and thrown it across the room, which would have been far kinder than stabbing her with it, which I also fantasized about repeatedly. She wasn't a very nice person. Or maybe my perception was colored by the pain and her reluctance to give me the prescribed pain medication.

In my weakened state, she was more than safe, a fact which did not escape her. This was the same woman who the next day bounded into my room and asked, "And how are WE this morning?"  I had been splayed open and was in no mood for such foolish questions, much less phrased in such a patronizing manner. Then, right there, as she bent over me, was that darned button, glaring red on her white uniform.

I was having trouble processing the words she was speaking, but they seemed to be forming the question, "Are WE ready to get up." I just looked at her as if she had lapsed into latin, a language I had no knowledge of. She took my lack of response as a personal affront and leaned over and said, "Honey, you're going to get up. We can do it the easy way, or we can do it the hard way, but you're going to get up. It'll hurt less if you help me and we do it the easy way." What choice does a person with stitches and tape holding them together have?

No matter what she was doing the next four days, that button was ever-present. And every time I saw her I asked for more drugs. We had a rocky relationship at best, and I had a distinct disadvantage - she had the drugs and the button. I had nothing but charm on my side and, admittedly, I was pretty weak on that without mass quantities of drugs.

I hope she doesn't now work at this hospital.

Maybe pain control has improved dramatically in the intervening years. I can only hope. They tell me I'll have a pump for drugs, but I hope they allow me to have enough to actually relieve the pain. I have a low pain threshold and even though I'm very sensitive to medication, it never seems to be quite enough to kill the pain. So, I'm just hoping, hoping, hoping they actually keep me comfortable. And if not I guess I'll just manage.
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Check www.patsyterrell.com for the blog, art, and more. Friend me on facebook.com. Follow me at twitter.com. All text and photos here are copyright Patsy Terrell, unless otherwise noted. None are to be used without permission. Thank you.

Meetings, McPherson and Christmas

My day started with a meeting this morning about an idea I have that I'm trying to get others on board with. I think it would be really cool for our community. We'll see how it develops - if it does. At the very least, I think I saved some trouble for a friend who was going to be in a position of having an aspect of her job take far more time than was expected. If it goes anywhere, I'll have more to say. If not, I'll just chalk it up to a learning experience. Life is full of those, it seems.

I got to have lunch with Trish today, and hear all about her trip to the inauguration. It was amazing, incredible, and every other adjective you might imagine. She also brought me the coolest present from DC - an Obama Ornament. It says "Yes We Can" at the top, "President Obama" at the bottom and has "Jan. 20, 2009" off to the side. Sorry the photo isn't better, but I haven't taken it out of the plastic yet.

I may have to do a whole tree around this ornament next year. Maybe a white tree with red and blue ornaments and some flags and maybe some stars, with this as the centerpiece. We'll see. I might also just add it to the main tree. It's such a cool thing and the PERFECT present for me. I have such great friends.

Tonight Greg and I went up to McPherson, about 30 miles from here. The Buttonhole, this great fabric store, is going out of business and has everything on sale. I've always loved this store - more than 12,000 bolts of fabric. Even though I'm not a quilter, I liked to drop in and look at the material. They cite the economy as the reason they're closing. It's a pity. And it's going to leave a big hole in downtown McPherson.



I bought some cool batik fabric I thought would make a great summer dress. Now, whether or not I'll actually get that done is another question. But, it would make a great summer dress. Greg picked up some fabric for Ace.

Afterwards, we went to the Main Street Deli, one of our favorite spots there. They have great sandwiches and soups. We sat there and talked for quite a while and played with the camera.

In light of all this medical news the last couple of weeks, Greg and I are both feeling a need to "circle the wagons." We've spent a lot of time together doing nothing in particular, just hanging out. Neither of us can explain why we feel this need, but we're both feeling it. I think maybe it's just because we're so focused on the medical stuff.



And, it's not exactly pleasant conversation so I've been hesitant to discuss it with people too much in person. Here people can read it or skip it. That's harder to do when someone is holding you captive in person. So, I'm trying to not be the person making everyone wish they could gracefully get away.

When we came out of the deli in McPherson it was snowing. It looked like it might really amount to something so although we had planned a trip to Walmart to see what they had left in their Christmas section we aborted that plan and headed back to Hutchinson.

When we were going through Inman we couldn't help but notice this...



It's strung between two phone poles, with every light lit up, so it must be a new addition to the landscape. Maybe it's someone who's happy about the election or maybe it's someone who's just feeling patriotic. Regardless of the reason, I pulled over and Greg hopped out to take this photo with the grain elevator in the background.

When we were approaching Hutchinson I pulled into Walmart to grab some AAA batteries for a little book light I bought yesterday, and some gatorade. An hour later, this is what my cart looked like.



They had their remaining Christmas stuff 75% to 90% off. I got some ornaments to go on the blue, white and silver tree. And some lights and some other things.

I would like to state for the record, that I did remember to get the batteries and gatorade.

I'm going to spend the weekend doing last minute things around the house that I want done before surgery, and getting everything ready. Monday will be a day of preparations and of course Tuesday morning I go into the hospital. Frankly, I'm amazed at how calm I am about it. One of my first prayers about the situation was to have peace about it, and it seems that has been granted. I have been working hard during the day and sleeping soundly at night.  I'm still very optimistic, but I will be thrilled to hear the word "benign."
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The Handwork of Vintage Potholders

Vintage potholders are one of the things I'm always hunting for when I go to thrift or antique stores. I've gathered most of these around here. One of the joys of living in this area is that many, many, many of the older ladies around here still do handwork. These potholders are generally in pretty decent condition. I think they were more decoration than hard-working tools.

I love going to the MCC sale every year, and always find some treasures when I do. There is still real quilting happening here - by hand - too. Knitting, crocheting and embroidery can all be spotted and I love that. When a society forgets how to make things something significant is lost.

I love it that ladies here still know how to take some crochet thread and a needle and make something as colorful and charming as these. I long for the days when newspapers and magazines carried patterns for these little jewels. Truth be told, I'm not likely to make any myself - although I have bought some old patterns, and recently picked up some old metal crochet hooks - but I absolutely love the idea that this creation is still happening.
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Check www.patsyterrell.com for the blog, art, and more. Friend me on facebook.com. Follow me at twitter.com. All text and photos here are copyright Patsy Terrell, unless otherwise noted. None are to be used without permission. Thank you.

Why We Read Blogs

I've been thinking a lot lately about why we read blogs. It's an interesting question, really.

We've been reading journals for centuries, and I think the reasons today remain the same - we want to see how people live. I can't think of a single blog that's successful that doesn't offer a glimpse into someone's life. We want to see how others live and blogs are a modern version of how to do that.

I'm continually flattered and amazed that people share my daily life through this medium. I love to get emails from readers and get a peek into their lives, too. I feel a real connection to some folks I've had repeated contact with through comments or email. I was touched to receive a card from a reader today wishing me well with surgery.

This curiosity we have about our fellow humans must be satisfied, it seems. And blogs capture a moment in time unlike anything else I can think of. It's quite extraordinary when you think about it - thousands of people are giving us a snapshot of life in this time every day. Of course, I'm sure you've discovered just as I have, that some of those word pictures are easier to take in than others.

Ultimately, I think blogs have to have a personality, and it's generally the personality of the author. We get to know people, where they live, their families and friends, and how they live all through the few words they share with us.

I'm still mulling this over. Your thoughts are most welcome.
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Check www.patsyterrell.com for the blog, art, and more. Friend me on facebook.com. Follow me at twitter.com. Copyright Patsy Terrell.

The President Can Dance

The President Can Dance. In time to the music. Old school or not.

It's not that I care so much if the president could do a guest shot on Dancing with the Stars. I just want someone who has enough joy in their soul that they can dance. That they want to dance. That they look comfortable dancing. That "fits" with their spouse and seems to enjoy being close to said spouse. That is young and vigorous enough they want to go to ten different balls, ending the day around 3 a.m. they say, and yet be in the office before 8 a.m.

Sharon invited us over to her house to watch the inauguration and then have lunch. That's our lovely hostess there, with another friend, Mike.



I didn't think I'd be able to stay very long because I had a lot of work to do today to prepare for an MHA meeting tonight. But, I was so excited I couldn't sleep last night so I kept working until about 4:30 this morning and got it done then. I went upstairs but was still awake after 5 a.m. Then I got up about 8 a.m. to start watching the coverage. When Obama and Bush got in the car to leave the White House, we got in the car to go to Sharon's.

At one point I texted Trish, who was there, and said, "Hey, wave at me, I can't find you in the crowd." I thought it was funny. She might have been less amused, having been in the sea of millions since the wee hours of the morning. I haven't heard back from her yet, which may well mean she didn't see the humor in it. Or her fingers were too frozen to use the keys on her phone. However, she got to witness history up close and I'm sure that was incredible.

A few people have asked what my favorite part of the day was. It was 12:00:00 when Obama officially became the 44th President of the United States.



Diana and I couldn't take our eyes off the screen during his speech. Tate was slightly less interested.



This historic day has been filled with a series of memorable moments. I expected to be in tears again, like I was the night of the election, but today I was just happy. Happy, happy, happy to have Obama finally become president.

It was a great day...

Greg had fire....



Jocelyn popped over briefly... also happy...



and even Tate enjoyed himself...



The food was great...
The company was fabulous...
and The Moment was historic.

It truly is a New Day. To quote will.i.am, "I woke up this morning feeling brand new. All the dreams that I been dreaming has finally come true. It's a New Day." My guess is I'll feel that even more intensely tomorrow. But for tonight I'm putting head to pillow feeling proud to have Barack Hussein Obama as my President.
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Mr. President

Change is coming to America in just a few hours when Barack Hussein Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States of America. I am proud to be an American today.

I've never felt this way before about an inauguration, but I'm too excited to sleep. I'm tickled for friends who are there to witness this moment in history in person. I'm hoping Trish will give us a full report on the blog when she returns. And I'm thankful Greg and I got to see Obama at a rally in Kansas City, where Greg took this photo.

Sharon has invited a few folks over to watch the inauguration together and I'm looking forward to that. I was planning to just sit here and flip channels but it will be fun to watch with other people.

We can do better than we have in the last eight years, America.
Yes we can.
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Gifts Come in All Shapes and Sizes

A few folks have asked how I'm doing with the health issues. I'm okay.

When faced with anything like this it's important to remember that I may look back on this as one of the best things that ever happened to me. This may be a tremendous gift.

Greg brought up at Roy's yesterday what he should do if there was a decision to be made that was dicey. I told Greg his guiding principle on my behalf is: "I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm very afraid of not living."

So, if there's some risky thing to do that can give me normal life, and some "safe" thing to do that's buying me three years of medical misery, I'll take my chances with the risky procedure. I have no interest in living only to be praying for death. Quality of life is a huge issue for me.

I've given Greg the power to make such choices for me because I trust him completely. I know he'll make the best choice he can at the time. And whatever happens after that, there will be no questioning on my part regarding any decision he may be faced with. And I don't want any on anyone else's part either. Fortunately, my family is great about such things. I know in some families there would be a lot of second guessing. That's not an issue in my family.

In general I'm just preparing for surgery. I've been working on MHA things, getting them done in advance. I got some new things for the MHA office right before the holidays and unfortunately they are just stuck in the office - very messy - and now I can't move anything. But, I suppose it will wait.

I'm trying to get home set up, too. It's amazing how things that don't bother you at all can suddenly become irritants when you can't do anything about them. Greg will be here but I don't want to impose on him any more than necessary. And I already have imposed on him a great deal because I can't lift anything.

All in all, I'm just moving through these days, trying to get mentally prepared for what is to come. I'm very optimistic it's benign. I think I may look back on this as a positive turning point in my life. Gifts come in all shapes and sizes - maybe even in large grapefruit sizes.
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An Afternoon at the Hutchinson Zoo

On the spur of the moment today Greg and I decided to visit the zoo.

We had been to lunch at Roy's, then out to pick up another prescription of pain pills for me. I didn't really want to go home yet, but wanted to enjoy the sunshine. We both independently arrived at the idea of driving through the park.

Then we saw the Prairie Thunder Rail Road was running at the zoo. It's similar to the train at the State Fair. Of course, we couldn't resist and went for a ride.



Greg and I are both like children, sometimes. Of course, we're both happy a large part of the time, too. Like children. Find joy in simple things.



The engineer is Bob Kirby, who I know from events like Food for Thought and the Dillon Lecture Series. Greg took these great photos of him.



Bob is apparently a fan of rail roads.

Of course, Greg was taking photos along the way during our ride, too.



Greg took some video of the train, too. I didn't know he was doing it when I was clapping excitedly at the end.



We met Steve Russell, another railroad fan, and enjoyed a lively conversation with him. One of the things I love about living in a smaller city is that people will strike up a conversation pretty easily.

One of the things I learned when I was a journalist is that almost everyone has an interesting story to tell. Mr. Russell is a prime example of that. He was once a railroad engineer in Durango, and is now a rancher who splits his time between three locations, including one here. He breeds Jacob Sheep, an ancient breed that probably originated in Syria about 3000 years ago. The breed has been successfully preserved thanks to careful handling of the genetic pool.



We meandered on, stopping along the way to visit with some other animals. Greg took this great photo of a Bald Eagle.



We discovered that we had arrived just at feeding time for the pelicans.



Marcy, who's a new zookeeper at the Hutchinson Zoo, was feeding them fish. They're a good catch. She tossed each of them a fish in rapid succession so they didn't fight over them.



We chatted with Marcy for quite awhile. She's a wonderful addition to the zoo staff. She comes here from Illinois and has worked at the St. Louis Zoo and volunteered at the Denver Zoo.



Greg took this video of her feeding the pelicans.

Marcy said she's enjoying living in Hutchinson and that she really loves that the zoo is geared toward native animals. She mentioned something I didn't know, that some of these animals we think are plentiful are actually endangered species. We invited her to get together for dinner sometime and visit more. Very interesting young lady.

We visited the otters and then went to the petting zoo where we saw a baby  llama. Is that not the cutest face?



We wrapped up our visit with a stop in the reptile house. This is the best way for me to see snakes - with glass separating us.



It was a fun afternoon. The zoo is really exceptional and they have plans to expand - including laying more track for the train.

I also loved getting to meet a couple of new folks. Greg continually teases me that I know a lot of people. I'm not sure why that is, exactly. I think I know an average amount of people.

We wrapped up the day with dinner at Marcella's, which we really enjoy - good Italian food downtown. All in all it was a fun day. And we both needed a fun day.
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Proud to Be an American

I hate to sound like a Lee Greenwood song, but today I'm definitely Proud to Be an American.

I'm watching the news coverage of Obama's train ride to DC and looking at the crowds that have braved the cold to come out and see it pass makes me very proud. People are lining the route, just wanting to get a glimpse of the man who will become President in a couple of days. Obama is obliging, by waving from the back of the train. I wonder how the secret service likes that.

The arrival by train began with Harrison in 1841 and ended with Eisenhower in 1953. Obama has revived the tradition as a salute to Abraham Lincoln.

The thing I love about it is that it gives more Americans an opportunity to have their moment with Obama. I think that's important for any president - to "connect" with as many people as possible. It gives people a sense that they're part of something and I think that's a critical ingredient in making things work.

My family still talks about Clinton's campaign bus driving through Barlow on Highway 60. Bobby Clark was a little guy at the time and they all went out to see them and wave as they went by. There's something significant about  the person who's going to be leading the country seeing your little part of it. That he has witnessed there are real people living in this place makes it seem more real that he cares.

Although I'm not anywhere near the train route, I'm thrilled for the folks who are getting to see it. I'm sure there are some folks in those crowds who were not Obama supporters and it's encouraging to see people coming together.

I know things are awful in this country right now in some ways. But I hope for just a short while we can celebrate what's right with our nation as we have yet another peaceful transition of power. The great achievement of our democracy is not that our forefathers came together and created a new nation and elected George Washington as the first president. The real moment when they knew it was successful was when Adams became the second president. Now another George, who has been most gracious during this transition, will hand over to Barack Obama. That, truly, is democracy in action. And I'm proud to be an American.
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Preparations with a side of Oriental Chicken Salad

On a whim tonight Greg and I went to Wichita for dinner. It was good to just run down there and have some fun.

I spent the day trying to get some MHA things organized and taken care of. And, of course, thinking about what I need to do at home before my surgery.

It's supposed to be really nice tomorrow so it will be a good day to get the car cleaned out and take care of a few outdoor things. Unfortunately, I can't lift much of anything so poor Greg is left doing much of the dirty work.

I'm doing my best to not get too freaked out about the whole thing. That's easier said than done. People cutting me open has never been high on my "to do" list. And it's not just the cutting, but the news they deliver afterwards. I'm starting to think of "benign" as one of the best words in the entire English language. I hope I get to hear it shortly after coming to in recovery.

I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row. I've done all that paperwork you're supposed to do that all of us put off until there's some reason to do it. When I started look at beneficiaries on my life insurance and other such things, I discovered one of them still had my mom on it. She has been gone since 2001 so I was way behind on that. I suppose it would have gone to my only brother still living since that's my closest kin, but it's all such a process if it's not spelled out. So, now it's all spelled out on all the appropriate forms in all the appropriate places.

I also did a living will and Durable Power of Attorney. Well, more accurately, Trish did them and I signed them. Trish was so very kind to jump right on getting those done for me when I asked what I needed to do. She has been wonderful.

You always imagine you'll do such things in a serious setting, with the appropriate gravity they demand. We were sitting at Applebees, waiting on our food, Trish with her notary seal out, me signing forms as quickly as I could. I guess I never thought much about the circumstances under which I would sign a piece of paper saying don't keep me alive by artificial means, but I'm fairly certain that Oriental Chicken Salad was never involved.
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Snow and Polarity Therapy

"Snow" was my first word today. I looked out an upstairs window and could see snow on my neighbor's roof. Considering there was no snow in the forecast I was surprised to see white everywhere.

After lunch at Roy's I scouted around for a photo to share with you. Over on Sherman I found these houses where you could still see the snow on the roofs. Greg said this white stuff was really little ice pellets, but I'm going with snow. It sounds so much more pleasant.

Late this afternoon I went to see Bill for a treatment. I've been a couple of times for an aqua-chi foot bath, but it has been awhile. The other night when Sharon and Jocelyn came over and gave me Reiki they suggested I go for a foot bath and also have Bill do a polarity treatment on me too.

This polarity treatment... wow... this is something. He pressed with is fingertips on various places on my back and neck, asking me to hold my breath when he did. The idea is that when you hold your breath the brain "resets" your muscles and the energy can flow freely.

I'm no expert, and I can't begin to explain it, but I can tell you my back and neck feel better tonight than I think they probably have in my adult life. Everything is relaxed, nothing is strained. It feels like someone has massaged my neck and back for about five hours nonstop. It's amazing. I will definitely be doing that again.

I know some think all this sort of thing is just foolishness. But, I've had amazing effects from Reiki and this polarity therapy is right up there. Who knows what else is available that I don't even know about?
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Surgery on the 27th

Surgery is scheduled for Jan. 27 at 7:30 a.m. at Via Christi St. Francis Hospital  in Wichita. I appreciate everyone's prayers, good thoughts and encouraging words. Thanks.
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Ovary Update 568

We saw Dr. Horbelt, the gynecological oncologist, in Wichita today. I feel a bit more encouraged. This blog is very detailed and may fall into the "too much information" category so the short version is surgery will be in about two weeks, Dr. Horbelt is pleasant, twitter came up, and I'm so thankful for the medical care I've had to this point.

The long version follows.

He examined me then he had us come in and talk to him. He said, "I am not happy with the radiology report, but your young age trumps that." Apparently, ovarian cancer in women under 50 is rare. I just turned 47 in late December. Another factor is that I was on the pill for a number of years. Being on the pill for more than ten years decreases your risk for ovarian cancer by fifty percent. I also have none of the symptoms - bleeding, irregular periods, etc. - other than the pain. So, that's all good. The CA125 level being normal is good, but there are cancers that don't raise that level. So, it's not a definite.

He said it is 20 centimeters. I've now heard everything from 13-15, to 16-18, to 20. It's big. Obviously. Twenty centimeters is about eight inches.  He said size has nothing to do with whether or not it's benign. Benign can be small or large, and cancer can be small or large.

The incision will be about at my belly button and go down. I have a little hernia in my belly button and they'll fix that too, as a matter of course in how they sew me up. If it's benign they remove it and that will be it. If it's not they will cut further up so he can explore. Obviously, that will affect my recovery time.

If it's cancer, a hysterectomy is a matter of course. If it's benign it's my choice what to do in that regard. Dr. Wesley, my general practitioner, encouraged me to consider that given my age. Although I have no signs of menopause, for most women it would happen in the next 2-3 years. It might well be later for me given that many women in my family have had babies into their 40s, including my mother, and ancestors on both sides of the family. (My great grandmother had a baby at 48 - long before there were fertility drugs!) But, it's going to happen eventually.

A hysterectomy would remove the potential for cancer in all of those spots in the future. So, ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer would no longer be possibilities for me. I'm going to have that done.

It's very odd to think that I've just finished my last period. It's a life passage that I'm not going to experience in the natural way. There will be some grieving related to that. But, I will grieve it a few months from now. This isn't the time for that. I understand the whole concept of how it's not natural to remove those organs and all of that. But I also understand that human bodies were designed for 35 to be a ripe old age. And, frankly, the last week hasn't been a whole lot of fun. I don't want to do this, or anything like it, again. So, I have a chance to prevent a bunch of similar things and I'm going to.

They will call me tomorrow with a schedule for surgery but it will probably be about two weeks. He needs a stretch of time to do it in and he's apparently in surgery every day. I will probably be in the hospital about five days. I'm not sure which hospital yet, either.

Dr. Horbelt should teach bedside manner. Generally I find specialists to be annoyed by the person attached to the body part they're especially interested in. The attitude is, "oh no... it's talking... make it stop talking... it wants me to talk to it... I don't want to talk to it... make it stop."

I'm very spoiled because Dr. Wesley has great bedside manner and I forget not all doctors are that way. But, Dr. Horbelt was wonderful - twitter even came up in casual conversation. I generally steel myself for any encounter with a specialist, but I remind myself they don't have to be pleasant, they just have to be excellent. Today I got both. Dr. Horbelt was charming from the outset. And, what I most care about, seems to be at the top of his game.

Today I've begun to realize how fortunate I am that Dr. Wesley didn't just blow off the pain I was having and insisted I get a pelvic sonogram. And I'm thankful Dr. Neuschafer referred me on when he didn't feel comfortable doing the surgery. It seems this is the right path.

Things can change day to day, of course, but I'm hoping we're on the way to resolving this.
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Ovary Update 497

I swear I've talked more about my ovaries - at least one of them - in the last five days than I have in the totality of my life up until now. It feels like I've had at least 497 conversations, but I'm sure I'm exaggerating. And, frankly, it's nice so many people care about such things.

Here's the latest... I called the Wichita office yesterday and asked if they had a cancellation list. They said they didn't, but to call back every day and see if someone had cancelled. So, about 8:30 this morning I did just that and am seeing him this afternoon.

I'm not sure if there was really a cancellation or if the receptionist I spoke with this morning just worked me in. Regardless, I'll see him this afternoon and hopefully move this process along.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic this morning. Nothing has changed - I still have no symptoms of ovarian cancer, only one risk factor, and my CA level is normal. The only thing that changed from yesterday is that the doctor I saw yesterday was more pessimistic.

And, I am thankful that if he doesn't feel comfortable operating on me - because of the tumor or because of my size or because he didn't like the color of my hair - regardless of the reason, if he doesn't feel comfortable doing it, we don't want him doing it. I always appreciate it when doctors are willing to refer you because they're out of their area of expertise. I cannot argue with his assessment that I should be operated on by someone who deals with gynecological cancer every week, instead of him who sees it a couple of times a year, just in case.

So, that's the scoop.

Sharon and Jocelyn came over last night and made a Reiki housecall, which was lovely. I finally took a pain pill yesterday after being poked around on, and it wasn't kicking in as quickly as I expected. I called the pharmacist who told me it was okay to take up to EIGHT lortab in a day and I should just take another one. I resisted, while reading the "could be habit forming" sticker on the bottle. I expected one to practically knock me out. Fortunately, the Reiki took care of the pain while the pill was kicking in.

I know some think I'm being way too open about this. But, I figure you've been sharing my life on the blog all along and life comes with bumps in the road. This is one of them. So, I'm going to share it with you, too. I will try to label the posts so if you just don't want to be exposed to yet more ovary information you can ignore. Normal blogging will return!

I know some think I am being flippant about all of this. Trust me, I'm not. I'm taking it seriously. But I cannot sit around and wallow, whine and wring my hands about, "oh my God, I could have cancer." Whatever it is, I've got to deal with it and I'm just doing that step by step.

I expect a complete and full recovery, regardless of what the pathology says.
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Surgery Update

We met with the surgeon today and he referred me to a specialist in Wichita. The surgeon here says this ovarian mass is "very suspicious" for cancer because it's solid and has finger-like projections. He wants to send me to a gynecological oncologist in Wichita. There are two. I'm seeing the one who's the head of the department Thursday morning.

I'm going to the appointment with my bags packed, ready to go to the hospital. They didn't tell me to do that, and I doubt it will be that fast, but I'm going prepared just in case they can get me in right away. This thing has to come out of me. As soon as possible. I'm in enough pain today I finally broke down and took one of heavy duty pain pills. It hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm sure it will soon.

I'm hoping for the best. There is no evidence this has spread so even if it is cancer it's possible it can just be surgically removed and I'll have a complete cure.

It's also still very possible it is benign. They cannot tell without surgery.

The doctor today said that he wanted to refer me to a specialist so that just in case it's cancer the operation is being done by someone who does it all the time, instead of him, who does it maybe twice a year.

Of course, having the surgery done in Wichita isn't as convenient, and people won't be able to pop in and visit, and this is scary information, but it's probably all for the best. The larger hospital is also just more equipped to deal with my size. So, it looks like it will be happening at Wesley in Wichita but I don't yet know when.

I'm starting to feel like I need a little graphic for these posts like the news stations do... "Ovary Update... Day 5."  Apologies to my male readers - if I have any left at this point.
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George Bailey

Greg said the nicest thing to me yesterday as we were leaving Roy's and I was commenting that so many folks have been so concerned about the upcoming surgery. He said, "Well, you're George Bailey. People care about you."

I love "It's a Wonderful Life" and George Bailey is one of my heroes, so that was so sweet of him to say.

I have to say that I've been incredibly touched by the outpouring of support from people. People offering to let me come stay at their homes to recuperate, making offers to do anything at all that I need - housework, errands, whatever. And the offer of many prayers, for which I'm very grateful.

I've heard from blog readers, casual acquaintances, and friends I haven't seen in years. My family has been great. Numerous friends have made genuine offers of help. It's so very comforting to think so many are sending good energy my way, and are concerned for my well-being.

I feel so fortunate to have Greg with me. He has been wonderful through this whole process, and will stay with me at home for a few days after the surgery. He's going with me to talk to the surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I'll know then when the surgery will be.

Greg is going to keep this blog updated throughout the surgery. So, you'll be able to follow along - literally step by step. Every time the doctor lets Greg know anything he will let you know. So, you will know the details of the surgery before I do.

Aside from hoping it's benign, and all the other problems of money, time, etc. I've mentioned, I'm concerned about pain. I know that probably seems really stupid given all the other, far more important, things I could be worried about. But, I think those life and death - and quality of life - questions are just too big for me to think about. I cannot let myself be occupied with them, so I'm worried about how much pain I'll be in. It's something I can resolve by telling myself millions of people before me have managed it and so can I.

I don't handle pain well. But, I don't handle this not knowing what kind of day I'm going to have well either. Today I was in a little bit of pain that went on for about six hours. Then, about 5:30 this afternoon I leaned back in my chair and it just quit. Instantly. And I've felt normal since then. It lends credence to my doctor's thought that this mass may shift and press on a nerve at times. Obviously, I can't keep living like this, either, so it has to come out. And when it comes out I'll have the answers to those much bigger questions, too.

I hope, like George Bailey, I have a guardian angel or two watching out for me. I'm not sure if Clarence is available these days or not.
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The Tree is Down

The Christmas tree is down, thanks to Barbara and Cleta. And it's packed away thanks to Greg.



Barbara, Greg and I went to Roys for lunch and then came back here. Barbara and I started on the tree and Greg started hauling things to the basement I had packed up last night.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have all this help.

Cleta had a meeting this afternoon, but stopped by afterwards and dug right in. Of course, she is experienced, having done it last year!



Greg made many, many trips to the basement and some out to the shed to pack away everything.

I am so happy to have it down and stored. I love Christmas but once it's over I'm ready for everything to be put away. Greg said he will move the stand and plywood base for me tomorrow. I have one tree left to take down - the gold and copper tree, but that shouldn't take too long to do. We still have to store the white tree. It's the first year I've had it so it doesn't have a home yet.

I do not want to lay around looking at the Christmas stuff, so I'm so thankful for the help in getting it packed up and stored away. Barbara and Cleta worked hard, and Greg made many, many trips. I'm a fortunate girl to have such wonderful friends.
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One More Day

I spent the day preparing for surgery. I accomplished a bunch of things today for work and home - from getting a grant out the door to putting away Christmas things.

Aside from the main tree, I'd say I have about 90% of the Christmas stuff boxed up. Greg has been hauling it to the basement for me since lifting anything can cause the pain to start. My doc suggested it may be that the mass is shifting and hitting a nerve and that's what's causing pain. I just know the last time it hurt it was a direct result of picking up my suitcase so I'm loathe to lift anything that's more than a few pounds.

I've had many calls, emails, comments and notes today from folks regarding last night's blog entry. I'm so appreciative of everyone's kind words and encouragement. I bet more than one third of the people today have told me a story about themselves, or someone they knew, who had to have a mass removed. All were benign, and almost all grapefruit sized. I'm beginning to suspect that it must be at grapefruit sized when they're large enough to press on something so we can feel them.

Tomorrow Barbara is coming over to help me take down the tree. I'll be glad to have it all packed away. It's a big job. Last year Cleta and I did it in about 6 hours working steadily, so hopefully we'll be able to get it done tomorrow.

I called around today and found I can rent a hospital bed to have at home for recuperation and the cost (less than $200 a month) will go toward my insurance deductible. It's as if I'm not the first person to need this. Who knew? There's a system.

Now the question is if I want to recuperate in the living room or the sun porch or somewhere else. I'm guessing I won't need it too long, but I know I won't feel like climbing the steps to go to bed right away, so since I have to get something it might as well be a hospital bed that I can raise to a really comfortable height.

I'm really touched by people's concern and offers of help - everything from offers to come and stay at their homes while I recuperate to dozens of other things. I genuinely appreciate the generous offers, but I think I'll be more comfortable at my own house. I'm sure there will be things I need, but at this point I don't know exactly what they are. I'm hoping someone can be with Greg while the surgery is happening. I don't want him to be alone waiting.

When I went to bed last night I thought, "well, this will be the test... do I sleep or will I be awake all night worrying." I slept. Soundly. I'm feeling very optimistic that this is just a benign mass and not something to worry about long term. I hope that's the case.

Greg will be updating this blog during surgery, every time they tell him anything. So, you'll be able to keep track of things if you wish. When my brother, Jackie, had heart surgery last year I created a blog for him so everyone could keep track of things. It worked really well. So, I figure this blog will serve the purpose for everyone to keep track of my surgery.

I need to gather a bunch of books to read while I'm on the mend. If you have anything in mind, please let me know. Sharon got me a copy of "Water for Elephants" for Christmas and I loved that book. If you have suggestions, comment or email me at patsyterrell@gmail.com and lmk. I'm guessing my mind will be fully functioning before my body is and I can only watch so much daytime TV.
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My Medical News

In the life of any blogger, there comes a moment where you have to decide how much to share. Most days it's very easy to make that decision. Other times, it's a bit of a gray area. Today, I've struggled.

But, I thought about how you've been sharing my daily life here for almost five years. You've been with me through many ups and downs and so it would seem almost rude to not share the latest news in my world with you, even though it is not upbeat.

I apologize in advance, because this is medical stuff, but it is what I'm thinking about at the moment.

On Dec. 1 I experienced some serious pelvic pain. It happened once more very severely on my birthday, Dec. 23. Otherwise I've had some less severe pain over the last few weeks. Of course, I also had the stomach flu, so it was hard to always distinguish what was what.

My doctor scheduled me for a pelvic sonogram before Christmas but I had the stomach flu and rescheduled it. You have to drink 32 ounces of water and I didn't think I could keep it down.

I went for it on Monday. This morning my doctor's office called to tell me it showed a "suspicious mass" on my right ovary. So, today I went in for a CT scan, blood work, and a visit with my doctor.

This thing is about the size of a large grapefruit. It appears solid, so more of a mass than a cyst, although they don't know. They don't know if it's benign or cancerous, but my CA125 test - which is the closest thing to a screen for ovarian cancer we have - shows a level of 23, which is well within the normal range of 0-32. The CT shows no other masses in the region.

So, I have an appointment on Monday with a gynecological surgeon. I will have to have surgery to remove it - probably very soon. They will be able to do the pathology on it while I'm under, so oddly enough, other people will know if it's cancerous before I do. But, so it goes.

Greg was still in Joplin and when I called him this morning to tell him he just jumped in the car and headed back so he could be with me at my 4 p.m appointment. I was so thankful to have him there. I needed him to ask the right questions. I've never had any serious medical issues so this is a lot to digest. It was also a huge comfort to have him with me.

I'm a big believer in the idea of a "divine plan" and that what we're doing or experiencing at any given moment is what we're supposed to be doing or experiencing. This certainly isn't something I would have chosen for myself, but for whatever reason, it's where I find myself. So, I'm going to try to be thankful for this experience and what it has to teach me.

I am incredibly thankful for my doctor and his nurse who are very kind and caring people. They spent an hour and a half with me this afternoon, answering questions and making appointments. And, thank heavens, he did the CA125 test so I had that information. I do find that comforting.

I'm certainly teary and upset at times, but overall I'm okay. I have no choice but to move through this. I hate the idea of having surgery. I hate the idea of what it's going to cost. I hate the idea of being down for some time. But, I don't really have another choice at this point. It's too large to ignore or keep watching to see what happens. And I can't go through every day wondering if I'm going to be incapacitated by pain. So, I can only hope it's benign and surgery goes smoothly and recovery is quick.

I'm not making any plans until I see the surgeon on Monday. I'll know more then. In the meantime I'm going to figure out where I'll recuperate at home. I doubt I'm going to feel like climbing the stairs to bed. This is the time to regret getting rid of the sofa bed, I guess.

Barbara is coming over Saturday to help me take down the tree. I want to get all the Christmas stuff put away before I go in. Unfortunately, I can't lift much of anything. The last time I picked up something the least bit heavy - a suitcase - it started the pain. That's going to make it difficult to get things around the house done, but I'll just do the best I can do.  There are many work things I need to handle, too, of course. Fortunately, with technology these days I'll be able to work from home. 

Your good thoughts, healing energy, and prayers are much appreciated at this time.
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Search for the Dignity in Everyone

I hunger for meaningful conversation. Not chit chat about the weather, or idle talk about last Sunday's dinner, but meaningful conversation. I want to engage with people on a level where I learn who they are at the core. The surface is all the candy coating. I want to know people in a different way.

I've been thinking for awhile about starting another group to have an opportunity for that. As I was driving to and from Kentucky this time I was listening to podcasts and it occurred to me that I often read or hear something that makes such an impression on me I want to note it. I realized those sorts of things might be a way to facilitate moving a group from the surface to something deeper.

When something really makes an impression on me it's a spiritual moment. These are not to be brushed aside, but to be considered carefully. These are not experiences to be taken lightly. They should be given their due.

One of the phrases that caught my ear this time, that I made a note of, was the idea to, "Search for the dignity in everyone." I find that such a poetic way of imploring us all to respect our fellow humans. Search for the dignity in everyone. Isn't that lovely? I think I will remind myself of that phrase on a regular basis. Search for the dignity in everyone.

I had an opportunity this evening to apply that to a real life situation. When I'm out of the office I transfer the phone to my cell, and if I'm awake when it rings, I answer it - morning, noon or night. Tonight I've had two calls, which is unusual for one evening. After midnight I had a call from a woman who was suffering a mental health crisis. I'm not a therapist and I'm very careful to never give medical advice. This woman was not at her best, understandably so. She was not dignified in language or behavior. But, when we search for the dignity in everyone we can see beyond those things to the person - fellow human - who is hurting. This story has a happy ending. With dignity.
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No More Whining and Wallowing

I decided today there would be no more whining from me. It's January. Christmas is over for this season. There are tasks I don't like that I am responsible for. It's not my favorite time of year. Yadda yadda yadda. Enough.

I have wallowed in this long enough. So, today I stopped. Done. Moving on.



One of my stops today was the post office where I picked up a stack of cards that arrived after I left for Kentucky. This is always a treat when I come back - Christmas and birthday cards I haven't yet seen. Of course, there are usually some of mine in there that have been returned for one reason or another, too.

I did manage to accomplish quite a few work things today and some personal things tonight. Naturally, there's more to do, however.

One thing I did tonight was fix myself a decent dinner.



It was a spinach salad with toasted pine nuts, sauted mushrooms and Peruvian onions, and chopped fresh apple with a balsamic dressing. It was pretty yummy, although I think it could be improved on with a little twist of lemon in the dressing.

I need to eat more food that doesn't come with labels. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables already, but I need to eat more of those kinds of things and fewer things that have a list of ingredients I can't pronounce.

Well, I need to get some rest. I have some appointments tomorrow that are going to take some energy. Best to start the day rested.
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The Blahs

I'm trying to get back into the swing of normal life but it is a struggle. I feel like I'm going through the motions and not doing it very well. But, there's nothing to do but keep going.

Tonight was Chicks, so it was good to have something to look forward to all day. Afterwards I started taking down Christmas decorations. I got the ornaments off the Santa tree in the sunporch, and part of them off the white tree in the dining room so I at least got started. I wouldn't say it's a spectacular start, but it is a start.

Part of my blahs is just that the holidays are over, which means the time off has come to an end. And, more than usual, I wanted to stay in Kentucky for Jackie's surgery this week. But, I had a pelvic sonogram scheduled for tomorrow morning and needed to get back here to do that, not to mention get back to work. So, here I am.

January is a really busy, jam-packed month generally, and much of it is stuff I don't particularly enjoy. Needless to say, that can make one feel blah also.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a wonderful, happy surprise that will lift my blahs right away.
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Home

I'm back in Hutchinson tonight. I spent last night in Joplin and had a great afternoon today with Greg and his mom. Going out to lunch turned into a five hour trip.

We went to a town about 20 minutes away to a restaurant we've been to before, only to discover that on Sunday they only offer a buffet. And it was bad. Very bad. We just looked at it and passed.

On the drive out there we had passed a place called Sandstone Gardens, and Greg's mom mentioned they had a restaurant there she had eaten at before. So, we headed back there and had a wonderful lunch. You can tell by the smile on Miss Joy's face.



Sandstone Gardens is a gift and interior design store/restaurant/statuary garden place. It's hard to describe, but it's cool. I'm planning to go back again.

You can tell they are planning on being a destination. They've got a huge parking lot and easy access from the interstate. I'll be eager to see if they're able to make that happen. I'm always amazed at places that accomplish that feat.

Cathy and I had lunch at Lambert's in Sikeston Saturday and, like every time I'm there, I wonder how they went from a little cafe to the empire they are now. Yes, the food is good. But the food is good at hundreds of little places along the road that do not become destinations unto themselves. I guess the marketing people would say it's "sticky," but I always wonder how things become sticky.

Maybe the Sandstone Gardens folks will talk to the Lambert's folks to get some tips. I want to go back in the summer and see how the grounds look.



After lunch and some shopping around the store - some of their Christmas stuff was half off! - we made our last stop of the afternoon. We went to the Downstream Casino that is a new addition to the landscape there. Greg had been there with some friends, and Greg's mom hadn't seen it yet. It's big news in the area, I guess.

I've never been to a Casino before. If you're a casino lover, just stop reading now because I'm going to tick you off. And there's no need for that.

My impression of the casino experience is that it's trashy - at least this one experience. And I don't mean a little trashy. I mean there might as well be black velvet decor, an adult xxx store, hookers for hire and an Elvis impersonator making the rounds with free drinks to keep you buzzed enough to forget you're feeding your money into a machine so you can push a button. Maybe they do have some of those things for all I know. But - word to the wise - the King is Dead. Elvis is NOT Alive and Well. Really. Honest.

I don't know what other casinos look like, but this was row after row of blinking, beeping machines in a cavernous room lit largely by the gaudy displays on the machines. At nearly every machine was a person hunched over it, glassy eyed, staring at the display as if it held the secret to life, a cigarette in one hand while the other hand methodically punched the appropriate "bet" buttons. They stopped only to feed more cash into the machine.

Frankly, I could see some entertainment value in playing the quarter machines for $5 or $10 worth of fun. But, that would require being elbow to elbow with the people who seem way beyond the "this is entertainment" phase to the "this is the next big win" phase. There's a reason casinos don't go out of business. It's because you're giving them your money.

All of that said, we had a lot of laughs during our 10-15 minutes there. I just couldn't spend much time with the majority of the other folks there. That is not my crowd. I'm sure there are some folks in there who are, but not the majority.

Apparently the casino regularly gives people free credit to play. You know why they can afford to do that? Because people are blindly feeding real money into the machines. But not me.

My outlay - $0. My take - a cool bungee cord they give you to hold your little card. I took the card off it and will use it for a jump drive or something. See, it's not true what they say about if you don't play, you don't win. I didn't play and yet I got this cool new bungee cord. It's not a million dollar jackpot, but no one else got that, either. And I still have all my money AND the cool bungee cord.
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Getting Back To Life

I spent the night in Joplin and it was great to have time with everyone here. Today it's back to Hutchinson and "normal" life. I dread getting back to some parts of my "normal" life and there's something horribly wrong with that. We should all be leading a life we love, not one we want to get away from. Many, many parts of my life are terrific, but those that I dread take a tremendous amount of energy from me. Obviously, I need to fix those things. I just haven't figured out how to do that and pay all the bills.