Happy to inform you...

This is how you want any letter from any medical entity to start: "We are happy to inform you..."

The letter that my mammogram was fine arrived yesterday. I was impressed that someone had put some thought into how they phrased it so that three words in you knew the news was good. Very nice.

Labyrinth

I walked a labyrinth today. There's something so incredibly peaceful about that process. It's methodical and meditative. It's a time for clearing of the mind.

It's rather ironic that many of us clear our homes, but not our minds.

This is a small labyrinth, and one of the most beautifully landscaped I've ever seen. It's tucked into a little garden. Everything is very compact, but it's good.

It made me think about having a labyrinth in my own backyard. But, considering I can't even keep my lawn mowed well, I don't think I need to be thinking about things like labyrinths.

As much as I love nature, at some point I'm just going to have to accept that nature doesn't like me. Nature wants to bite me. So, all summer long I must protect myself from it instead of being out enjoying it. With fall's arrival I can once again venture outdoors.

Quote of the Day

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.
-Schopenhauer

State Fair Has Come and Gone

The Kansas State Fair has come and gone for another year. I took this photo one night in the food court. Doesn't that just say "State Fair?"

I had such an incredible time at two different shows this year. Greg, Mia, Jan and I went to see Terry Fator. I've wanted to see him since he won America's Got Talent. He was amazing.

Greg took these photos of him.



Greg had gotten front row seats and it was unbelieveable.



I was so entralled I kept forgetting to take photos.



Although I did manage to get photos of a couple of his usual bits, including the Sonny and Cher and Michael Jackson ones.





He did a couple of songs on his own and joked that people were often surprised that he could sing.



That was Monday. The very next night Sharon, Greg, Mia and I went to see the Oak Ridge Boys, who were also wonderful.


For the last few months, since seeing Frank Warren of PostSecret, my standard comment whenever anyone has been to any entertainment event has been, "That's nice... I'm sorry it's not as cool as Frank Warren handing you a book." These were that cool, even though no one gave me a book.

Seven Years

Experts now know there is something to the idea of the "Seven Year Itch" when it comes to relationships. Fortunately, this hasn't affected our Creative Sisterhood Group.

Hard to believe it was seven years ago that I asked some friends to come together to form Creative Sisterhood. We've met almost every month since then, and shared some really meaningful moments together.

I had a small gift for everyone tonight to commemorate the occasion. It was just a small piece of art centered around a word I thought important for each of them.

It was a great, great night of conversation. I'm so thankful for this group.

Creative Sisterhood Anniversary

Six years ago this month - or has it been seven - I emailed a few friends and asked if they'd like to come together every month to share with each other. My original thought for what I dubbed, "Creative Sisterhood," was that we would make things together.

But, very quickly, it morphed into something different, something better.

Over the years we've shared some amazing times together. We've supported each other through deaths, marriages, job changes and more. Relationships have started and ended in that time. Through it all we've kept meeting every month, sharing our thoughts, our dreams, our selves.



It has been a really important part of my life. The mix of people was right. When forming a group there's an art to who you invite. You want people who are similar enough the group can "gel" but with some differences that will add enough spice to keep it going.

I tried to form another group, which didn't work. I knew it included a lot of really divergent personalities and that it would have been amazing if it worked out, but it just never came together as a group. But, I learned some really important things in the process.

For this sort of a group to work, I think:
*it has to have a "home" - hopefully someone's actual home, but definitely a place where it can become a group, a place it can call home
*everyone has to commit to the group - you can't have people who are showing up only very occasionally - groups can't become groups that way - and it's not fair to the other members - the "group" deserves being respected enough by all members for them to be present and engaged - obviously, situations will present on occasion when it's unavoidable for someone to miss and that's understandable
*people must share themselves - unless people share their real thoughts and feelings the group can't ever become a group - people are want to hide behind stories of their families, jobs and other "acceptable" fronts - a group will never develop a personality of its own if the people who are in it are not present
*although it seems like a minor thing, sharing food together bonds people - there's something about breaking bread together - or cookies, as the case may be
*having some rituals for the group help define it - they will develop naturally if you're on the look out for them
*someone has to take the responsibility for the group - as much as we'd like to believe such things just happen, they don't - someone has to take responsibility for it
*it's good to take a moment occasionally to assess if the group is fulfilling a need in the lives of its members

In my original email, I used this quote to sum up that I was looking to share some of the journey with others.

We are all wanderers on this earth.
Our hearts are full of wonder,
and our souls are deep with dreams.
-Gypsy proverb

I'm wanting more interaction that's meaningful, like Creative Sisterhood is. I've been thinking about trying to gather some folks for another group. Of course, it would not be the same, and a different group would create something different, but it could be womenderful. I keep mulling over the list of people I know who might be open to such a thing. We'll see what develops.

Quote of the Day

I have got to make everything
that has happened to me
good for me.

Oscar Wilde

Kansas Governor Mark Parkinson's Hobby is Thinking

Kansas Governor Mark Parkinson spoke at the Dillon Lecture Series this morning. He said during the presentation that his hobby is thinking. I found that fascinating. I guess that's one of my hobbies, too.

His speech today had an overall theme of, "Strength is our diversity."

He shared a number of population graphs that illustrated the "bulge" of the baby boomers. His last one was showing that in 2050, the largest population segment - that bulge - will be women over 85.

He noted that people over 65 spend less on everything, except healthcare. They buy fewer houses, cars, clothes, and everything else. So, having this be the largest population segment is difficult for the economy.

To maintain a stable population, women must average 2.1 children. Governor Parkinson says what will save the US economy is legal immigration. That will keep the population growing in the segments that are consumers.

He said instead of the oft-mentioned China and India, "the best emerging market is right here in the U.S." The trick is that we must make sure these immigrants have access to education so they will have jobs that lead them to be consumers.

He reminded the audience that, "We are all a product of people who, against great odds, came to this country."

Parkinson mentioned Papiamento, a language spoken in Curacao, that is a mix of English, Dutch and Spanish, as a metaphor for the population blending.

At the luncheon afterwards he was asked about many things, one of which was the federal deficit. He said four things are necessary, but no politician could get elected saying them. But, he said, "The public will have to elect people who will do those things."
1. raise social security age to 70 for people under 45
2. a means test for social security - so if you're wealthy you're not getting it
3. have to control health care costs
4. federal government do things it's good at and leave other things to the states

Parkinson is not running for office, so he can say whatever he wants.. He is going to a job in Washington DC as the executive director of an association for nursing homes.

I wish he were running. Having someone in office who's hobby is thinking seems like a good thing to me.

Yes, you should... Today

Ladies - do you recognize this machine? If you don't you're overdue for a mammogram. I had one today. If you're due for one get it done. Right away.

To answer the unasked question - all is fine with me. This was just a regular checkup.

You should have one too. Please.

Come Home To

A couple of years ago Rebecca Ryan spoke at the annual chamber meeting in Hutchinson. While here she posed a question I'm still pondering - "What do you long to come home to?"

It seems like it should be an incredibly simple question to answer - what do you want "home" to be like. "Home" could mean a dwelling, a town, or a state of mind I suppose. What do you want to come home to?

I think what I want to come home to is "ease." I realize that compared to most of the world I have an incredibly easy life. I'm aware of this. I also know that to some people I have a life they would never want to live - full of difficulties they can't imagine, because they have always lived a life of ease. The trite, "it's all perspective," always rings true.

When I say "ease" I'm thinking about being at ease, not being focused on what has to happen next, not thinking about cleaning the house or planning the meeting or whatever else is on the agenda for me. I was trying to think of a time when I've been totally at ease. I'm not sure that's a state I've ever experienced. There has always been something that required my attention or time. There has always been a project I needed to work on. There has always been a worry looming - about time or money or relationship.

What would I do with "ease?" I guess that is a bigger question. It means, for me, an opportunity to choose the things that require my attention, and not have them thrust upon me. Of course, we can't choose everything in life, but it would be lovely to choose the projects I give time to, to read and write and paint, and to have time to actually relax.

When I hear people talk about relaxing I can barely relate. It's not something I do much of. That's by choice a large part of the time, because I want to be creating, but I would like to have the option to relax.

People often harken back to childhood as a time of ease. My childhood wasn't like that. It was certainly wonderful in many ways, but it was not carefree. Not at all. It was filled with worry about various things going on around me, over which I had no control.

I remember thinking from the time I was very young that it would be good to be an adult and be able to make my own choices and decisions. Goodness knows I've made some bad ones, but I've also made some that, through the kindness of others, turned out quite well. And I'm thankful.

To be able to think about questions like what you long to come home to is a luxury afforded few in the world. I'm still thinking about it.

What is it you long to come home to?

Oak Ridge Boys at Kansas State Fair

We went to see the Oak Ridge Boys at the Kansas State Fair tonight. They were amazing.

I saw them years ago in Kentucky when I was in college. I was with a boy I had a huge crush on. Alas, he didn't seem to feel the same way about me. But it was a great concert regardless.

Tonight we had front row seats, courtesy of Greg. He is the ultimate concert ticket hunter! Thank you, Greg!

Freedom or Peace

Do you want freedom or peace?

I know, we all want both. But, if you have to choose, which one do you want?

Mark and I were talking this weekend and he mentioned this. I think it's an insightful question and tells you something about a person.

So, which one do you want - freedom or peace?

Butter Sculpture at Kansas State Fair

Kansas State Fair Butter Sculpture, with Mark looking on.

No, I don't know why anyone would choose to sculpt in butter.
Yes, there are people who specialize in this.

At one time it was the domain of Duffy Lyons of Iowa, who did it for many decades. Now it is a commercial venture by various companies.

Methinks someone smelled some profit.

But by the Grace of God There Go I

For some people, seeing someone in need makes them say, "That person is lazy." When I see someone in need I think, "But by the Grace of God there go I."

I put a similar statement on Facebook this morning and have left it there all day, watching the comments. I expected something about "personal responsibility" but it never came. It may yet.

I've been thinking a lot about this in the last few months. People are so rabid about their opinions that it's hard to find the truth, the bottom line, the meaning, somewhere underneath the emotion. I've been trying to strip it away in my mind, and get down to the base thought.

Of course, I only have access to my own thought process, so that's the only place to begin. I realized some time ago that I feel compassion because I partially know how tenuous "good times" and "bad times" are. It's so easy to slip from one to the other. When I see someone who needs something - food, shelter, a dream, whatever - I can see myself in that situation. Maybe I've never been in that situation, maybe I have and found a way out, but regardless I know it's a possibilty. It could happen. To me.

Ultimately, it's selfish to want safety nets because you might need them. That's selfish, but it goes beyond that. I can imagine how it would feel to need something and have no way of getting it. I know how it feels to need to know how to do something and you don't know and have no one in your world who can teach you.

I've come to believe this baseline thought process is at the root of many divisive issues. Can you ever imagine yourself in need - of anything - lacking something and not knowing how to find it? That "need" might be food or shelter, or it might be something less tangible. If you can imagine yourself needing something - and not knowing how to get it, and having no one to help you get it - it colors your perception of those you see who are in need of one sort or another.

If your experience does not allow for that circumstance - of ever having a need that you don't know how to fulfill - it may not be something you can imagine. And maybe if you can't even imagine having a need and no way to fill it, it's easier to expect everyone to pull themselves up by their boot straps and take personal responsibility. Because it's what you would do so it seems completely natural to you - not easy, but natural. And it seems the only logical course of action.

Unfortunately, some people can't even see that as an option, much less do they know how to get there. A friend mentioned today that she was reading a book where the writer said the outward needs were symptoms of much larger needs and when people feel "whole" they're better able to address the other needs. I think there's truth in that.

I believe in personal responsibility for all of us, but also believe that being part of a "society" means taking some responsibility for the whole. I'm not sure what that looks like, but I know the fact that I can imagine being in need myself and how it feels makes me want to find a way.

Magazines

They say you can tell a lot about a person from the magazines they subscribe to. I think what you can tell about me is that I don't have time to read magazines. But, apparently, I still like to subscribe to them.

Tonight I decided to tackle the very large pile of mail lying near the front door. It was a lot of mail. A plastic tub was involved, if that gives you an idea of the amount of mail.

I sorted through and pulled out all of these magazines, only one of which had been partially read. And my very favorite magazine is in there, too. Although, it just arrived. But, I think I haven't even read the last one yet.

Do you know which one is my favorite? If this were a local news program I'd have to tease you with some foolish thing before I went to commercial to keep you watching on the other side of the commercial. That's creating a mystery that you want to know the answer to. It works. Obviously. But, I'm not cheap and sleazy like that so I'll just tell you now. "Victoria" is my favorite. I'm sure you feel a tremendous sense of relief now that that mystery is solved.

Of course I'm being facetious. I doubt you were that concerned about what my favorite magazine is, unless you happen to be a magazine publisher. And if you are, please hire me to write a column for you.

I came home and wanted to control some little tiny portion of my world, because my work day world was very out of control today. All is well. It was just a frantic day, in which I didn't get nearly everything done I had hoped to do. But it inspired me to deal with a little clutter so it wasn't all bad.

Of course, I'm not really sure what one does with unread magazines. I guess put them in stacks on shelves. That's what I've been doing with the other piles of unread magazines. Some day, when I want to make another collage, I'll be glad I have them. I do wish I could find time to read them in the meantime.

Cosmosphere Learning Network

I spent all day in a meeting today. This photo was taken at the end of eight plus hours in a room together, engaged every moment, without even an official break. Lunch was brought in and we kept on working through it.

But, at the end of the day we had created something very cool, that has potential to grow in ways we can barely imagine at this point. You can take a peek at the Cosmosphere Learning Network. If you, or someone you know, is interested in education, please join us.

Front row, center, is Kevin Honeycutt, who has helped us make this happen. He's an education/technology guru. When I started working at the Cosmosphere, Kevin was one of the first people I called, to ask if I could pick his brain. He graciously shared his wisdom and now we have this cool thing that will only grow.

Some days work is really, really exciting. Even though it was a 10 hour day without a break, and my brain hurts a bit, cool things happened.

On the downside today, I was very, very sad to say goodbye to Marisa. She hired me and has been my supervisor the last year. She is an amazing person and a great supervisor. She will be sorely missed at the Cosmosphere, but we all wish her well with her new job.

Conversation

Conversation in the car tonight:

Me: Look! That cloud looks like the Enterprise with a force field around it.

Greg: Yeah, it really does.

slight pause

Greg: Picard's Enterprise, of course.

Me: Of course.

I believe this illustrates why I'm never too concerned about anyone eavesdropping on my phone calls or conversations.

Anyone who could maintain interest for an extended period of time is someone I want to know.

Secret Lives

Most of us have secret lives we keep hidden behind doors in our beings. I've come to realize it's not an intentional shutting out of others, it's a protection of our selves.

Occasionally, we let people glimpse those worlds, through a crack not fully obscured. Sometimes, people get a look that we didn't anticipate.

An ongoing debate I have with my friend, Martha, is that my life is spread out here before you, in plain view on the world wide web, available with a few mouse clicks and some time to read. She thinks what I share here is very personal.

While I think it can be personal at times, I don't see it in the same way she does. I see it as pretty straight-forward, the typical things people are thinking about. I think the difference is just that I write them down.

This good-natured debate has continued between us for the past couple of years. Maybe I don't think it's personal because I know the secret life beyond what is visible here. I don't have a dark and mysterious past, just the normal accumulation of broken bits you might expect for someone who has been interacting with the world for more than four decades. Of course, this is all relative, too. Some might view my life as disturbed while others might see it as blissful.

The idea of secret lives is something that has been coming up in different circumstances for the last month or so. I'm sure there's something I need to explore in this concept.

Just recently a friend was telling me about traveling to a town by himself and what he did while there. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but he mentioned striking up a conversation with someone in a restaurant. Of course, it's something we've all done at times, and while it's usually not particularly significant, it's a moment in time and space that won't ever be repeated.

I was suddenly aware that although I know this person very well, he is having experiences all the time that add to his secret world. They may not be dramatic or life changing, but they blend into the tapestry of what makes him who he is.

When he told me this story, I was reminded of an experience I had in Paris a few years ago. I shared a moment of vulnerability with a stranger that I've never told anyone about, and only written about in my private journals. It's part of my secret world. It was a moment of simple, but sacred, interaction that neither of us had any inkling of when we awoke that morning. I do not remember how the woman looked or what she was wearing, but I remember how I felt. I'll always remember how I felt.

It's those little bits of life that create the people we are today. Our secret lives may contain stories of valor or dissappointment or trauma, or they may be filled instead with the sacred ordinary. Regardless, they're adding a rich background to who we are. And we would not be the same people if we didn't have those secret lives.

Maybe we don't share our secret lives because without them we would become less ourselves.

Thinking of You

Some people I love are grieving. Some are worried. Some are troubled.

I'm thinking of you all.

Functioning Wisdom

I heard a wise man say recently to not allow circumstances in life make you become someone you don't want to be. That concept has stayed with me and continues to churn in my brain.

We all have experiences that are what I call "defining moments," meaning that the way we see the world and our place in it are changed after them. I'm sure you've known people, as I have, that get "stuck" after something bad happens to them - that they can't ever move past it and go on. That's one example of letting a circumstance make you someone you don't want to be.

Occasionally, people will mention to me that I keep large parts of myself private. I suppose that's true. I thought everyone did that. I've really been thinking about that lately and there are a couple of things at work for me. One is that the "bad" things are just not things I think people would want to hear about. Another is that I don't want to give credence to them by giving them voice.

One of the amazing things about the past is that it's over. It's done with. It's finished. All we have to do is let it go. That should be easy, because it's over. But we often insist on keeping it alive - especially the bad stuff. We relive it mentally, rethink how it might have been different, and keep it alive. It becomes a prison of our own making.

I choose to let go, as much as is possible for me.

I have my own list of "Top Ten Rules for Living" and one of them is "Let it go. Let it be. Let it lie." That seems to suit this circumstance well. Another of my rules is "Blame nothing, Forgive everything." It, too, seems apropos.

One could easily assume these rules are wisdom handed down to me by elders, perhaps in some ritualistic ceremony. Or, less romatically but more accurately, one could realize they are just personal truisms that simply allow me to function. "Function" is so much less poetic than "wisdom." But, I suppose we can't have everything, and functioning is good. Good, indeed.

140conf Coming to Hutchinson Kansas

Something really cool is happening in Hutchinson, Kansas, where I live. Even if you're not a techie person, and you think Twitter is the stupidest thing ever invented, or you don't even know what Twitter is, give me just a couple of minutes and read about this because the fact that it's happening in Hutchinson Kansas is incredible. And, as is always the case, the reason it's happening is because of connections made by various people in the past.

In case you don't know, Twitter is a place online where people share tidbits about their lives in what are called "micro-blogs." In the case of Twitter, there's a limit of 140 characters. I've been on Twitter for a long time, but don't post a lot there. Getting an account is free and you can connect with me there at www.twitter.com/patsyterrell if you just want to see what it's all about.

Okay, so there's the backstory on Twitter.

Another part of this story is the blogger tour you may remember me writing about last year, which really led to me being an employee of the Cosmosphere in a round about way. But that's another long story and not necessary for this situation.

There's a guy named Jeff Pulver, who started a conference originally called the 140 Characters Conference, which has now become the 140conf. It has been, or is being, held in cities such as Tel Aviv, London, Paris, New York, Austin and San Francisco. This fall, the first ever small town 140conf is coming to Hutchinson. Yes, that's right... 140conf - Tel Aviv, Paris and Hutchinson.

Becky McCray was in Hutchinson for the blogger tour. She thought it would be a good place for the 140conf. She contacted Cody, who she knows from Twitter and who organized the blogger tour, he contacted the CVB who jumped right on it and made it happen. And, that, is why connections between people - through Twitter or other means - make things happen.

Cody and Becky asked me to help with some publicity and it is quite interesting. Here's the press release for your perusal. Make plans to join us... it's gonna be ultra cool!

140conf Coming To Hutchinson Kansas November 1
The first ever Small Town 140 Characters Conference will be held in Hutchinson, Kansas at the Historic Fox Theatre on November 1, 2010. The focus of the 140 Characters Conference is how real-time technology, such as Twitter and Facebook, is changing business, agriculture, media, education, sports and celebrity.

The all day event costs $100 for early bird registration, which lasts until September 24. It will also be streamed live on the internet. Jeff Pulver, the founder, says, “The take-aways from this event will provide the attending delegates knowledge, perspectives and insights to the next wave of effects Twitter will have on business.”

Pulver started the 140 Character Conferences in June of 2009 with an event in New York. Other 140 Characters Conferences have been held in London, Los Angeles and Tel Aviv. This is the first one in a smaller community. He says this conference, “will be a ground breaking opportunity to look at the effects of the real-time web on the people and the businesses inside of and around Small Towns.”

Becky McCray, a small town entrepreneur from Alva, Oklahoma, was instrumental in encouraging development of the first small town 140 Character Conference. McCray says “Small town people and rural people are a lot more technologically savvy than anyone gives us credit for. We use the same tools and technology available to everybody else. Sometimes broadband access is an issue and we continue to work on improving it. Most of us have great access and use this technology as well as or better than any one from L.A. or London. It’s reshaping small towns just as much as it’s reshaping big cities.”

Pulver says there is no dividing line of population. “We want to include small towns and rural areas, outlying suburbs and exurbs. Plus, plenty of people who live in a big city have some important small town connection, whether that’s where you grew up, where you plan to move, where your parents came from, or where your clients are.”

McCray suggested Hutchinson, Kansas as a result of her visit in 2009 when a group of bloggers were invited to visit and write about their experiences. A joint project of LogicMaze, The Kansas Cosmosphere and Space Center, and the Chamber of Commerce, bloggers toured the Cosmosphere, the Kansas Underground Salt Museum, attended the Third Thursday Art walk, and enjoyed local food and shopping. McCray says, “Hutchinson knows technology, social media and real time local happenings and has done a great job combining them all. It was the perfect choice for the first Small Town 140 Character Conference.”

Speakers at the 140 Character Conference will come from all over the world. “We want everyone to have a voice, to give people a platform and an opportunity to be discovered. This is the time to share your story. We want to hear it,” says Jeff Pulver. Speakers present in 10 or 15 minute segments. The day moves quickly and many voices are heard.

People will be sharing what’s heard at the conference on Twitter, using what’s called a “hashtag” of “#140conf.” Twitter users all over the world will be able to search for #140conf and see everything being written from Hutchinson, Kansas in real time.

Pulver explains that, “these events provide a platform for the worldwide Twitter community to listen, connect, share and engage with each other, while collectively exploring the effects of the emerging real-time internet on business. It creates serendipity in talking to each other, sharing ideas across industries, and exchanging thoughts with people like you and not like you. To put it in rural terms, we’re going to cross-pollinate some ideas. Or think of it as hybrid vigor: your new ideas are much stronger than the ideas that brought them about.”

For more information, to register, or apply to be a speaker, go to smalltown.140conf.com.

If you're in the Hutchinson and Wichita area, mark your calendars for October 4, when Becky McCray will be here to tell us more about the 140conf. Details will follow, but we'd love to have you join in.

I am officially ready for the weekend to begin. Really. Honest. I am. I'm not making it up.

Lovely Long Weekend

Love, love, love the nice day... and it's a Friday... of a long weekend... what's not to love?

I'm so ready for a weekend. With Starry Night last weekend I didn't get much of a chance to relax. It was really successful and a good time, but there are so many things to do in the average weekend day that when I spend one at an event the rest piles up.

That seems to be a theme in my life - things piling up!

Cody telling social media club about 140conf coming to hutch on nov. 1.

Lessons Learned

I was talking with a coworker today about the lessons we learn in relationships, and one I learned a few years ago that I really, really, needed to grasp.

When my mother died I was involved with a man who didn't handle that situation well. He was a very good man in many ways, but at that time he didn't do what he "should" have done.

I knew it, my friends knew it, and eventually he knew it too. And he apologized more than once. Of course, apologies don't turn back time and allow the opportunity to do the "right" thing. How many times have we all wished they worked that way? I know I have more than once.

Oddly enough, I wasn't mad at him at the time. Because I had learned a lesson I needed - that people can only work with the knowledge they have, and if they don't have the life experience to know what to do in a circumstance, they're not going to do it. They simply don't know, and they may not have anyone in their life who knows and can teach them.

So many of the "right" things in life are learned through experience. And if we don't have that experience, we just don't know. He had never lost anyone really close to him. He had no idea what was involved. He didn't know how much simple things mean at a time like that. He didn't know. And no matter how much I might have wanted him to act differently, he didn't, because he didn't know he should.

I needed to learn that lesson, and fortunately, I accepted it at the time. There was no point in being mad at him. I was the one who chose to be involved with someone who was considerably younger than me. By extention, in that case, I was the one who chose to be involved with someone who didn't have the life experience to know what to do in that situation.

Before that I was not very understanding of the fact that everyone has to learn everything, much of it through experience. And even if it's something I think a person should know instinctively, it doesn't necessarily make it so. It was a lesson I needed to grasp. I wish I had gotten it sooner, in less dire circumstances, but for whatever reason I didn't. But, I learned it then, and it has stayed with me.

A reminder of how to conduct myself in the workplace. Although I hope phasers won't be necessary.

Let us be mindful

As of tonight we have no combat troops in Iraq.

This is not going to be a political rah-rah post. I don't feel rah-rah, I can tell you that.

As I scanned the email that arrived with the news, the thing that jumped out at me was this phrase, "more than 4,400 Americans have given their lives." I hope we can all let that sink in, deeply, into our souls, into our beings, and never forget what it means.

Over the last seven years we've heard such numbers bandied about by politicians of all persuasions to make whatever point they wanted to make at the time. It's awfully easy to forget those numbers represent people - real people - with moms and dads, spouses, children, brothers and sisters, grandmas and grandpas, cousins, friends, classmates and coworkers.

More than 1.5 million of those real people were actively involved in the war. Expand their circles outward and see how many lives were touched by separation. There are very few of us who can say we don't know someone who was serving - if not in our own family, in that of a coworker or neighbor. Many of us can tick off the names of multiple people.

I'm not going to get into the question of if it was good or bad, justified or not. The time for that is past.

I just hope we can all be mindful that those numbers are not just arithmetic. They represent real people making real sacrifices - ranging from separation and worry to the loss of life. These are not things to be taken lightly.

So, I beg that we all remember that while today may mark the removal of combat troops in Iraq, soldiers are still in harm's way. And they're all real people with far-reaching connections to friends and loved ones. Let us be mindful of that whenever we are tempted to engage in conflict. Let us be mindful. Please. Please, let us be mindful.

Quote of the Day

"I have long considered the creative impulse to be a visit - a thing of grace, perhaps, not commanded or owned as much as awaited, prepared for. A thing, also, of mystery."
- Loreena McKennitt - The Visit

Quieter

I've become quieter. I don't talk as much when I'm with people anymore and I'm not seeking to be with people as much either. I've been thinking about why.

Mainly, it has become difficult to have conversation. I'm trying to think of an occasion when there was time for conversation without the end of the lunch, gathering, evening, dinner, or whatever, looming large. Even when there is conversation it doesn't have an opportunity to come to a natural conclusion. Instead, it is regimented by the arbitrary numbers on a clock.

In my world, at least, there seems to be rare opportunity for real conversation. When it does present itself, I'm tentative about trying to engage for fear it will be cut short by the clock, someone's phone, or an interruption to my train of thought. If I'm sharing myself in a meaningful way and you interrupt me or change the subject I feel foolish for having put myself out there in the first place.

If i'm interrupted repeatedly - verbally or non-verbally - I tend to disengage. I'm not saying that's good, just that it's my way. And I'm not talking about only the typical interruptions, but the more subtle ones.

Sometimes people interject a word of agreement into the conversation in order to speed you along, so they can speak. Sometimes people do something that brings the attention to them and changes the focus of the conversation. Sometimes people jump in when you take a breath, so they can talk. Sometimes people quickly change the subject of the conversation or offer a platitude instead of something meaningful. Sometimes it's obvious they are biding their time until you stop talking and they can go on to the next thing they want to do. Sometimes it's a suddenly animated body language that indicates they can barely wait to talk and are just waiting for you to stop.

It simply takes too much energy for me to try and overcome those things. I mentally retreat into my inner world. The only logical assumption is that people take these actions because what I'm saying is boring them. I'm growing acutely aware that what is of interest to me is not of interest to very many other people, so perhaps I bore people more often than I've previously realized.



It's ironic that I'm a person who craves connection with other people and it seems to be more elusive all the time. But, I can't fake interest in other things, and if my interests are boring to others, I'm not sure what options exist other than to expand my circle or retreat. I've tried to work on the former while continuing to live in this community, but find the latter is seductively easier.

I'm reminded once again of William Stafford's last conversation with his son, Kim. Kim was astonished that his dad, who had written daily for 50 years, said he had stories he hadn't told. When Kim asked why, William Stafford said he had been waiting for someone to ask.

Maybe I'm just growing to accept that no one is asking because no one wants to hear my stories or thoughts, so there's no reason to fight to tell them. Maybe they're of no interest or use to anyone but me, so it makes sense to just turn them over in my head instead of trying to share them. Maybe it's yet another reason why I write so much.

I don't know that anyone will ever read the many thousands of pages I've written over the years, but for some reason I feel a need to record thoughts. I would love to share with others, and expand my thought processes with their input, but I find it more and more necessary to turn to books for that. It's one way I can have new thoughts coming into my world that isn't dependent on conversation with others.



It's not as satisfying as having real conversation, but that is something I can't seem to figure out how to do on a regular basis. So, I've noticed that I spend more and more time alone - reading, thinking, painting and writing - instead of trying to connect with other people.

It's not my first choice, but it's the logical choice. I must have stimulation for my brain, and while I'd like that to come, partially, in the form of meaningful conversation, the amount of energy I have to expend for even a chance at that is astronomical when compared to going to the library.

Although I don't think it's necessarily healthy, nor is it my first choice, I find myself retreating into my own world more and more, and being quieter even when I am with people. I'm fighting the concept of learned helplessness, but it has become such a daunting task to create situations where conversation can happen, that I am trying less often.

Question of the Day: Are you having real conversation in you life? Deep, meaningful, conversation?