Weary

I am weary tonight. It has been a difficult week professionally. I had two big projects to complete this week and am not sure I was coherent enough to do them well, but I did get them done.

I went to bed last night about 3 a.m. and woke up this morning before 6:30. I got up and wrote for a couple of hours before I started my work day.

My writing desk is now downstairs in the sunporch, looking out onto the front yard. I like to sit there in the early morning and write while having a cup of tea. It's a lovely way to start the day.

There's something I should figure out about myself that I like to be awake when the rest of the world is sleeping - either late at night or early in the morning. Probably something inherently messed up about it, but who knows what.

OK, I'll admit it, I cannot resist tests that are supposedly going to give you some insight in to who you are. I've lived with myself for 45 years, who could possibly know more about me than I do. But, nonetheless, I am always drawn to these things.

Tonight in my e-miles from NWA was a test to take called "Jasper." It's all about your work approach. I missed some of the questions because I couldn't figure out their system for answering them online, but the results seem to be pretty accurate - at least based on what the person who's been living with me since birth - me - believes.

I'm not sure what it is I'm searching for in these tests, but I guess there's something. So far I haven't been surprised by anything, which I suppose is good. And I'm not sure there's much point in them keeping it "confidential" when I'm posting it on the world wide web, but there you go.

I'm a "3" - Visionary - on this test. I'm not sure what that means, and the description included a quote by Donald Trump, so I'm not sure this is necessarily good company.

I think "visionary" is the nice way people say that you don't play well with others, that you have to question everything - including your supervisors - and don't follow directions well. But, shoot, "visionary" sounds so much better than "potential disciple problem." No doubt it was a "visionary" who created this test while they were supposed to be making widgets.

Here are my results:

What you want out of work:
To dream big and to foster your creativity and knack for innovation.

Your colleagues think of you as:
A creative, abstract thinker who is fun to watch in action.

What you have to offer:
Not only new and better ideas for how things can be improved, but also the courage to pursue them.

My Unique Strengths are:
I - Innovative
S - Spontaneous
C - Communication
I - Independent

Leadership Style
Innovative. Your leadership style can be characterized as Innovative. You tend to be inventive and proactive in creating new ways to get things done, bringing a sense of confidence to most things you do. You aren't afraid to take risks if it means finding a new, better way.

Work Personality
Spontaneous.You are more Spontaneous than Deliberate when it comes to your work personality. You are comfortable pushing the envelope and suggesting new ways of doing things. Your spontaneity and ability to break out of the mold can also help others think outside the box.

Universal Skills
Communication skills. You likely are an articulate person, and you probably have received positive feedback on your writing ability or your skill speaking to groups. Even if you don't regularly use this skill, you nevertheless have confidence in your communication abilities.

Work Style
Independent. You show strength in your ability to be an Independent worker. While you no doubt can be quite effective working on a team, you feel much more productive when you have the freedom to do things on your own. You simply enjoy the autonomy that independent work entails.

So... hmmmm.... I wonder what this means I should be doing with my life... I just want to make a living being me.

Ten Zen Seconds

Dr. Eric Maisel is a well-known creativity coach and author. Those of us in the art world are familiar with his work. He has written more than 30 books, been interviewed in numerous magazines and newspapers, and is an expert on creativity.

I have more than a couple of his books on my shelves, and also read his newsletter regularly. I just added his latest book, "Ten Zen Seconds" to my collection. This book provides a technique to help you get the most out of your life. Maisel refers to the simple technique as "dropping a useful thought into a deep breath.”

He says, "You use a deep breath, five seconds on the inhale and five seconds on the exhale, as a container for important thoughts that aim you in the right direction in life — I describe twelve of these thoughts in the book — and you begin to employ this breathing-and-thinking technique that I call incanting as the primary way to keep yourself on track."

Maisel is on a "blog tour" to promote the book, and I'm pleased that my blog is his third stop. I jumped at the chance to host him here, even without seeing the book first, because I knew it would be a quality product with useful information. I was correct in that assumption.

Dr. Maisel is generously sharing the 12 phrases on this blog. He selected these because he believes they go to the core of helping us all make the most of life.  The book, of course, gives much greater detail on each one, and is well worth your time to read it.

Here are the twelve phrases (the parentheses show how the phrase gets “divided up” between the inhale and the exhale):
1. (I am completely) (stopping)
2. (I expect) (nothing)
3. (I am) (doing my work)*
4. (I trust) (my resources)
5. (I feel) (supported)
6. (I embrace) (this moment)
7. (I am free) (of the past)
8. (I make) (my meaning)
9. (I am open) (to joy)
10. (I am equal) (to this challenge)
11. (I am) (taking action)
12. (I return) (with strength)
*The third incantation functions differently from the other eleven, in that you name something specific each time you use it, for example “I am writing my novel” or “I am paying the bills.” Maisel says, "This helps you bring mindful awareness to each of your activities throughout the day."

The idea of mindful awareness is central to zen practice. Regular readers here know I am passionate about the idea of living in the moment and soaking up every bit of life from every event, no matter how seemingly insignificant. I am not a practicing buddhist, but see the beauty of this approach to life.

I firmly believe that living in the moment, expecting joy, remaining thankful and realizing that everyday life - the little moments - are keys to happiness. As you know, how to increase our happiness level is something I study regularly. I had the opportunity to ask Dr. Maisel how "Ten Zen Seconds" could be used for the purpose of making us happier.

Dr. Maisel  responded:
Each of  the twelve incantations serves a different though related purpose, and together the twelve “hit the highlights” in terms of the kinds of cognitions that support mental and emotional health and increased productivity.

Happiness per se is not the goal of many of them, but it is the specific goal of incantation 9, “I am open to joy.” Many people do not remember that joy and happiness are available to them and even suspect that they aren’t any longer available, that those feelings “went away” in childhood and, with lost innocence and the realities of adulthood, can’t really be recaptured except by putting on blinders and a smiley face.

At the same time, and despite the fact that they doubt that joy and happiness are available to them, they nevertheless do experience fleeting moments of both — proof positive that joy and happiness are not gone forever.

When you use incantation 9, “I am open to joy,” you are in effect making a new bargain with the world and announcing that you no longer want to act as if joy is unavailable — instead you intend to consider it available, nearby, and maybe even abundant. This “cognitive shift” then allows joy and happiness to enter — to reenter — your life.

The 12 phrases, which are at the heart of this book, were things Dr. Maisel put considerable effort into selecting. He gave a bit of insight into how the process worked:

First, I tried to figure out what are the most important tasks that we face as human beings, then I came up with what I hoped were resonant phrases, each of which needed to fit well into a deep breath, then, most importantly — which moved this from the theoretical to the empirical. I tested the phrases out on hundreds of folks who agreed to use them and report back on their experiences. That was great fun and eye-opening!

People used these phrases to center themselves before a dental appointment or surgery, to get ready to have a difficult conversation with a teenage child, to bring joy back to their performing career, to carve out time for creative work in an over-busy day — in hundreds of ways that I couldn’t have anticipated.

I think that’s what makes the book rich and special: that, as useful as the method and the incantations are, hearing from real people about how they’ve used them “seals the deal.” I’m not much of a fan of self-help books that come entirely from the author’s head; this one has been tested in the crucible of reality.

Maisel has the credentials and the experience to put forth a well thought out plan for self help. He has a doctorate in psychology and has spent decades helping people reach their full potential. He says "Ten Zen Seconds" is, "actually a very simple but powerful technique for reducing your stress, getting yourself centered, and reminding yourself about how you want to live your life. It can even serve as a complete cognitive, emotional, and existential self-help program."

When contemplating the book, he considered two primary sources -  cognitive and positive psychology from the West and breath awareness and mindfulness techniques from the East.

He said, "I’d been working with creative and performing artists for more than twenty years as a therapist and creativity coach and wanted to find a quick, simple technique that would help them deal with the challenges they regularly face - resistance to creating, performance anxiety, negative self-talk about a lack of talent or a lack of connections, stress over a boring day job or competing in the art marketplace, and so on.

Because I have a background in both Western and Eastern ideas, it began to dawn on me that deep breathing, which is one of the best ways to reduce stress and alter thinking, could be used as a cognitive tool if I found just the right phrases to accompany the deep breathing. This started me on a hunt for the most effective phrases, each of which serves a different and important purpose."

Maisel says people have used people for all kinds of purposes he didn't imagine:
"One that I especially like is the idea of “book-ending” a period of work, say your morning writing stint or painting stint, by using “I am completely stopping” to ready yourself, center yourself, and stop your mind chatter, and then using “I return with strength” when you’re done so that you return to “the rest of life” with energy and power. Usually we aren’t this mindful in demarcating our activities - and life feels very different when we do.

If you want to experience some of what "Ten Zen Seconds" offers, go to http://www.tenzenseconds.com/test_photo_slide.html and use the slide show there to move through all the incantations, practicing your breathing. It's accompanied by artwork from Ruth Yasharpour. Each slide stays in place for ten seconds, so you can try the technique in real time. Take a few minutes and try it out. It's pretty cool.

Singing

I've realized lately that I'm really missing singing. Long ago in a far away life I was really into performing.

I was a music major in college, until I realized there were people far more talented and far more dedicated than me. Fortunately, I discovered this on about day two in the program at a university known for its arts programs. I decided I probably wasn't destined to have a career in music.

Of course, a lack of talent has not stood in the way of many of today's stars. Maybe I was a bit hasty when I left the program about halfway through the second semester. (Yeah, I knew early on, but I just didn't want to give up easily. I'm still studying French 20 plus years after I started but je ne parle pas francais.)

I was an OK singer - not great - but OK - sometimes decent, occasionally good.

After I left the music program at my first university and transferred to the University of Kentucky I sang in a band for awhile. There were five of us and two of us were really great. I wasn't one of them. I was OK. One of the other guys was good. The other guy was passable. The other two were really talented. We were holding them back. One went on to have a career in music. The other got married and settled down with his wife raising babies.

I quickly learned that being "with" the band was more fun than being "in" the band. You got the perks of it without the stress of performing. However, you also lost that rush that you get from performing.

Lately I've been thinking about how I'm missing singing. Some years ago I did a version of "Christmas for Cowboys" with Andrea for a radio Christmas program. Again, I was the weak link in that performance, but we sounded good. Really good. There's something magical about harmony and a guitar. I can't provide either of them - like Tim McGraw says about himself, I don't sing harmony - at least not well. But Andrea made it really good, and carried me along.

Maybe life will provide an opportunity for singing again soon. Life seems to work that way. It would be fun to sing again. I'm not giving up the day job to prepare for my music career or anything, but it would be nice to just sing some. It would be best with people - like Andrea - who are very talented and will let me come along for the ride - doing no damage and adding at least a little bit.

I promised photos of my new acquisitions this past weekend at the MCC sale. My favorite part of it is the "Quilter's Corner," where they have not only quilts and things to make quilts, but also other kinds of needlework too, including vintage linens.

I am absolutely in love with hand crocheted lace and fine embroidery. This is part of a dresser scarf that I loved. The embroidery is delicate with perfect tiny stitches and the lace was crocheted seperately and then sewn on with the same verigated thread.

This scarf had such a sweet design. Magazines used to include patterns with each publication. Businesses would give them away and books were readily available for a few pennies. Everyone did handwork, generally more than one kind of handwork.



I bought a number of things with hand crocheted lace on them, including a set of pillowcases I'm planning to use on the bed. They're in great shape and are embroidered with morning glories, one of my favorite flowers. After a washing they'll be on my bed. The pair of them was $3 and there's nothing wrong with them.



I couldn't resist a closeup showing the tiny stitches in these pillowcases. I wonder when ladies had the time to do this work. It's funny how we talk about how we have no time and these ladies were working much harder than we are today just to handle basic life chores, and yet they found time to create these beautiful things to enhance their lives.


I often say life is in the details and these things are such a prime example of that. They could have just embroidered the pillowcase, but they went a step further and crocheted lace to go around the bottom of it, too.

I also bought this scarf that had these beautiful large pineapples on three sides. I wonder if it was meant to go on a piano or a fireplace.



The single most striking piece I bought was another pillow case with an unusual decoration.



This is all beautiful crochet. It has one little broken edge and I'm going to sew it back together and use the case. I just adore this and I've never seen anything like it.



I also bought a number of doilies - something else I love. I have them all over the house. I guess that might seem weird for someone my age, but I have always loved this sort of thing - even when I was a kid.



The yellow one below is now on my coffee table. My living room walls are a pale yellow so it's a perfect match.



Pineapples, as you see in this and also in the scarf edging above, were a Victorian symbol of hospitality, and they remained a popular motif well into the 20th century. If you notice when you visit Victorian homes, you'll often see the pineapple in stained glass or in carved woods. I find such things quite charming.

I also purchased two very old quilts at the sale. They are too worn to be of interest to serious collectors, but I adore them. They were $5 each.

The mere fact that they're hand stitched is sufficient for me to buy them at that price. Hand pieced and hand quilted items are rarely made these days.

I'm often surprised by how much creativity people showed when doing their handwork. This red polka dot material was the backing on one of the quilts and it was also used as the center for every star on the front of the quilt.



The other places where you see the polka dots are where the top has worn away, but each star has a centered dot. Lovely.

I also picked up what was once a Sunbonnet Sue quilt.



I also couldn't resist this piece of what was going to be a double wedding ring quilt. I love it because you can see the pieces are made from fabric that is already worn. Quilts were not always made by starting with new material - quite the opposite - quilts were made from the fabric that had become too worn out to be used as clothing anymore.



Although I bought many other goodies, I'll share just one more - this little scrap that was meant to be embroidered.

Proud of Myself

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself tonight. This afternoon I successfully tackled a small plumbing project. I installed a new fill valve in the upstairs toilet.

OK, yes, I know, my life is more exciting than the average person's, what can I say?

Not only am I pleased I was able to fix it, but I love the fact that what would have been an $80 bill was an $11.47 cent bill for the part.

Frankly, when you need to do the same, tackle it yourself. The hardest part was loosening the nut to remove the old one. It was very simple - and mine looks just like the picture on the instructions. You can't beat that.

Overall I've had a very productive few days, even without the plumbing work. I did my taxes, and got an art show application in the mail. Greg helped me move my writing desk downstairs and also unload some stuff at my office. I also fixed a webpage problem for him at www.thelope.com. It wasn't a big deal, but just required having some time to sit down and work on it. I also did a lot of "life stuff" as well as some MHA stuff. I even had time for fun at the MCC sale.

We went back out there Saturday, and I bought yet more vintage linens and some cloth. We also ate lunch there. I love the Bohne Beroggi. I used to pick up the Bohne Beroggi recipe they offer every year, and even posted it before. I didn't bother this year because I'm obviously never going to make it. It doesn't sound appealing. It doesn't look appealing. But it's delicious. Honest.

Frankly, every year we photograph the food, and other than the pie, it's all white. It's amazing. If you were trying to avoid white food, which some nutritionists suggest, you'd be so out of luck. The relish tray has carrots, celery and pickles on it, and the pie has some color depending on the flavor, and the borscht, but there's a lot of white food there. Verenike is white, the ham gravy you put over it is white, the bohne beroggi is white, the sauce it's in is white, the zwiebach is white, etc. - you get the idea.

But I do love the little glimpse into another world it sometimes gives you.

Work and Life

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed these days. It seems I can't get everything done I need to do in any area of my life. I can't even do everything I *want* to do, much less everything I'm *supposed* to do. And I feel overwhelmed enough that I'm practically incapacitated and not getting anything done. Obviously, I have to snap out of that. And quick.

This is a really busy work week, as well as a week in which I have some personal commitments, and I'm feeling the pressure. I have my monthly board meeting on Tuesday, which always requires some preparation. I also need to do some prep work for things that are down the road, but will be here before I know it.

I also have my United Way meeting on Thursday. That is an incredibly nerve-wracking experience. You go before a board of about 15 community volunteers and state your case for the United Way money your agency gets. It's not that it's a bad system, but it is hard on my stomach lining.

Because the agency I run can't point to the people we serve because of privacy issues, it's hard to demonstrate what we do. Fortunately, people are understanding of that. Anyway, I'm really dreading it, as I do every year, because it's just so nerve wracking. The volunteers are very kind, and the process is good, but it feels a bit like the inquisition and I don't think there's a way it can't. Four o'clock on Thursday is my time slot if you'd like to send good thoughts my way then - it would be much appreciated.

I'm not sure why just living a life seems to be stressful. There's something very, very wrong with that. Life should not be stressful - it should be happy.

Almost all of the stress in my life comes from work. I like my work - this job is the best one I've ever had and I've had some great jobs. But jobs equal stress and I cannot see any way around that. There's always more to do than there is time to do it. There's always some problem on the horizon. There's always politics.

I know some people just love to go to work, but I cannot wrap my mind around that. I don't hate my job by any means - in fact I feel fortunate to have the job I have. But I don't love my job the way some people do. I love to live my life  - I love to write and paint and work on my house and garden and see friends for lunch and entertain and read and study French and research genealogy and create and travel. None of that relates to having a job. Unfortunately, it also does not relate to getting a paycheck. Hence, the reason for the job.

I don't want to give the impression that my job is unpleasant. It is not. It's a fabulous job and it's truly an honor to be allowed into people's lives the way I am. But it's a job - with commitments and expectations and all the other unpleasantness of having a job because it all adds up to stress. Job = stress. It's as certain as relativity (which is no longer a theory, but a fact).

I think the difference between me and others is that work for me is just work - it's not who I am, it's not my identity, it's not where I get my sense of self, it's not where I get my satisfaction in life, it's not what I'm about, it's not how I define myself. Work is what I do to make money to live life - it's not life.

Life is being surrounded by your loved ones, being there when your friends need you and letting people be there for you. Life is the thrill of a painting that's coming out just the way you imagined, a peach that's perfectly ripe, and learning just by listening to your elders. Life is loving passionately, and being loved without reservation. Life is running your hands over a quilt stitched by your ancestors and feeling the continuity of the generations, it's cooking a meal for friends you care about and whispering "I love you" in the dark.

None of those has anything to do with a job and to be devoted to work dishonors all these things that make up a life. All the jobs I've had I enjoyed on many levels, thought I was doing something positive, and felt good about them - and this one meets all those levels more than any other, but it is still just work. To think of any job as more than that is to diminish the rest of life.

I think it's no accident that most people who are devoted to their jobs have very little "life" outside of them. If they have families they spend little time with them, leaving child rearing to the spouse. They wrack up frequent flyer miles traveling for work but never enjoying anything about the places they go. They think about work first thing in the morning and last thing at night.And they're stressed. And stress kills - literally. There's a reason there are more heart attacks on Monday morning than any other time of the week.

I must find a way to make a living being me.

Tonight was the start of the annual MCC sale. The Mennonite Central Committee raises thousands of dollars at this sale for hunger relief around the world. I'm afraid this weekend's receipts will be lower because of the weather. We have a few inches of snow on the ground. Yes, snow. Lots of snow.



The sale is held at the Kansas State Fairgrounds, not a place I'm used to seeing covered in snow. The fair is held in September, during a week we usually have some hot weather and some cooler weather.


Fairgoers will recognize this as the top of the Olde Mill Ride, at the fair since 1915.


Fortunately, some brave souls were out in the weather, but there were many fewer of us than usual.


It snowed very hard for a few hours, starting late afternoon and continuing into the early evening.


I think this picture embodies the phrase, "bent against the cold." It was 31 degrees, but it seems colder when there's frozen ice pelting you from above. The rain started overnight, then we had rain and sleet briefly, then rain and snow, then just snow.


One of the big attractions of the MCC sale is the traditional German food. We usually have to wait in line, but not today. There was a turnout, but nothing like usual.


The food is all wonderful - everything from Verenike to homemade rolls to new year's cookies to  homemade pies.



And it's all provided by people you know you can trust.


You'll see lots of young people working at the MCC sale, too. It's a multi-generational event.


There are auctions for all sorts of things... small items to large items.



Quilts are big moneymakers at the sale.



I picked up some goodies at the quilter's corner - namely some vintage linens. I'll try to get some photos in the next few days.

My toes are still cold from walking back to the car in the snow and slush. But I'm glad I didn't miss out.

Back to Hutchinson

I am back in Hutchinson - just in time for the impending snow storm. Yes, the "spring snow storm," as the weather people are affectionately calling it. We're supposed to get somewhere between 2 and 10 inches, depending on which news service you listen to, starting tonight and finishing at noon on Saturday. Saturday, by the way, would be the "frost free date" here - just in case you were thinking of putting out some plants.

It's dark so I can't see how my things look from the snow that fell while I was in Kentucky. I'm guessing my tender little oregano and parsley may not have liked being covered with snow. Oh well... so it goes.

Real Men Wear Pink

Since I've been in Kentucky I've been playing with fabric. I've been wanting to make some craft aprons and I found this fabric in Paducah that I thought was perfect to use. Paducah has a lot of fabric because it's "Quilt City."

Besides having access to lots of fabric, my sister in law, Mary Ann, had her sewing machine set up because she has been making quilts. Well, naturally, this was an ideal set up for me to play. So, I did.

I finished this one a couple of days ago. My brother, Jackie, thinks I'm a little crazy to go buy fabric, then cut it up into little pieces and sew it back together. But, Jackie is nothing if not a sport. So, tonight he decided to model the finished product. I think he makes it look even better.



See, real men wear pink. And so do real women.

I made another one tonight that is more subdued in coloring. And I have a couple of others in process.

I can't quilt - it requires too much focused attention for too long of a time. But this gives me all the satsifaction of choosing fabric, without having to commit to the length of time a quilt takes.



The real truth of the matter is that I'm addicted to fabric. And with this sort of project a quarter yard is plenty. So, you get to pick lots of it.




Obviously, the raw materials pale in comparison to Jackie's modelling of the finished product.



Mary Ann decided yesterday that I must belong to her instead of Mama since Mary Ann and I like to do the same sorts of things. Mama sewed when she had to make something but she would have thought this was a bit of an odd way to spend one's time. Mary Ann and I just think it's loads of fun, however.

Lunch with One of My Favorite People on the Planet

I had lunch today with BC and Cathy. BC, my great nephew, has been one of my favorite people on the planet since he arrived here almost 17 years ago. (April 25 is a  shared birthday for him and Jim.) BC has always been someone with a really pleasing personality. He's just fun to be around - he was that way when he was two and he's that way now.

I was tickled that Cathy called me for lunch with them today. It was good to hear what's going on in his life - from being the regional treasurer for FFA to his leadership classes, to his continual starring roles in hunting and fishing videos. I swear, he has a more active calendar than I do. Fortunately, he also has mom, Cathy, to act as organizer. Maybe if Cathy were organizing my life it would run more smoothly, too. Unfortunately, I think BC's schedule is all she can manage.

I visited with Mattie and Jim a bit today and otherwise just worked on MHA stuff on the computer and on my latest sewing project. I'll try to post some photos soon. It is just too tempting - Mary Ann has the dining room set up for making quilts for there's a sewing machine, rotary cutters and boards, an ironing board, etc. So, it's fun to play.

I did manage to capture a neat sunset tonight. Bobby was down and he and Jackie were working on one of Bobby's guns. I glanced out the window and saw there was a neat sunset happening so I jumped in the car to go get a photo where there were no power lines visible. There are still a few places - albeit very few - where you can get such a view.

Easter Sunday Rambling Thoughts

It has been a quiet Easter Sunday here. Jackie and Mary Ann went to sunrise services and then the normal church services this morning and evening. I slept in and then went out to see Jim and Mattie.

I then went to Paducah to get flowers to go on the graves. My mom always put flowers on the graves of my dad, his parents and grandparents, and the grave of my Aunt Eva's first husband, Jesse Pace, and their son, Donnie. She also tended to those of her parents, her sister Audrey and her husband, as well as some great aunts and uncles. Now that my mom is laid to rest beside my dad it is my place to tend the graves. I'm not sure why it's my place, but it is. And so I do, whenever I'm here.

A few years ago I started making at least an annual trip to Murray, Kentucky, where my beloved Aunt LaVerne (Marjorie LaVerne Terrell Duffany Gordon) is buried. Her children live away and her husband remarried and moved on, so she is there by herself, on a beautiful hilltop. I doubt very much it matters to her, but for some reason it matters to me. So, at least once a year I go there and put fresh flowers on her grave. I take the ones that have a bit of life left in them and put them on the gravea of her neighbors in the cemetery.

I have been doing this for some years now, long before my mother died almost six years ago. For some time I did it without anyone knowing. I'm not sure why, but I just did.

Once I went to put flowers on her grave and there were bright, new, fresh flowers on it. I had no idea where they had come from. I inquired at the office and they had no idea. They were not flowers like a florist would send, but ones like an individual would bring. It was a mystery.

I went back to the  local store where I'd just gotten flowers, and bought some plastic bags and put my business card inside the bag, along with a note, explaining who I was and how I was related to her, and asked to be contacted by whoever was putting flowers on her grave. I put it inside the metal vase, so if the flowers were changed out the note would be seen. Each time I went I would write the date on the paper and put it back into the baggie and back inside the vase.

Then one time I went and the note was gone and there were new flowers. The baggie was still there, but the note had been taken. I was sure I would get a phone call or letter, but it never came.

So I started over again, with another piece of paper and another note - this time with work and personal numbers and an email address. Now, a few years later, I've had to start yet another note because the paper was full. Still, no idea of who else puts flowers on her grave. It hasn't happened in a few years now. Has that person moved on? Died? Lost interest?

I still leave a note in a baggie inside the vase each time I put flowers on her grave. Maybe one day the mystery will be solved. Maybe it never will. I do wonder who else loved my Aunt LaVerne enough in life that they remember her in death. Did she have a secret life? Or is it a much simpler explanation?

I often wish Aunt LaVerne were buried in Barlow, along with her parents and grandparents. When she died they lived near Murray, and I suppose it made sense to her to be buried there. Her second husband was from near there. But I don't like it that she's there without any "context." Here there would be context - people would say, "Oh, that was Luther's youngest - she went out to California - then moved back to somewhere around Murray later on..." But, these are things I think about that maybe no one else does. I think about them because of the geneaology research I've been doing off and on for many years. (www.myatt.org)

When your family has largely been in one place for generations, it's easy to accumulate some history - most of it in the graveyard eventually. Our family story is played out there in row after row of the Barlow, Kentucky cemetery - some in the "old cemetery" and some across the road in the "new." In some ways it's quite comforting. There's a continuity in it - somehow everyone lives on because the memories are still alive.

I never met my great grandmother, Randy (short for Maranda Rose Spears Campbell Myatt), but I go visit her grave in Oscar, Kentucky because I know her through the stories of others. I wish she and Henderson, her husband, were in Barlow, too, but they're just a few miles away. It makes one appreciate the idea of family cemeteries when you think about such things, but people still move around and end up other places. If family cemeteries really worked, we'd all be buried in the Myatt one in North Carolina, so there you go.

I'm a person who has never felt "settled." I thought when I purchased a home that I would feel like I had a place where I belonged. But, I feel no more settled now than I did before that. Life for me is always about the possibilities and the now. But the past is what anchors me and gives me a foundation from which to explore. Without the love of my family, here and departed, I could never be comfortable enough to seek out the newness I constantly desire. That love is the rock - the foundation - on which one builds a life that may include constant seeking, and being unsettled. The only place I am certain I "belong" is in the Barlow, Kentucky cemetery when I depart this world. I know that.

Otherwise, where one lives seems pretty inconsequential, as long as those you care about are accessible. By and large people work and play and live, and they do it the same way regardless of where they live.

Sometimes I'll be driving around here and I have this overwhelming urge to live in Ballard County again. I have this fantasy of having a house here and making a home here. And then I remember that I have a whole life going elsewhere. There are people I depend on, who depend on me - there are responsibilities and joys and traumas - just as there are for everyone. And I remember that I've thought about this before.

I left home when I was 17 to go to college and other than about four weeks the following summer, I never lived at home again, although I visited regularly. I have lived in Kansas longer than I lived in Kentucky but I never think of Kansas as home. It's too alien to me. Still. The people, the culture, the places, the landscape - it's all alien to me.

I have learned to appreciate the prairie. There is a beauty in a prairie that's blooming, just as there is beauty in a road covered with trees. And there is a sound that only the prairie makes, just as there is a sound only the confluence of the rivers makes. You have to listen with a discerning ear to hear either of them.

All those little bits of life are what I appreciate. In some ways I'm such a simple person and in some ways so complex. I get tremendous joy from talking with Jim and Mattie or joking with Mary Ann and Jackie.At the same time, I'd like to pack up and move abroad - maybe to Egypt or Paris or other parts as yet unknown. How can these things coexist in one person? I don't understand it and I am that person.

I was mulling all this over tonight as I drove home, treated to a reddening sky. There is something magical about a sunset where there are no silhouettes of buildings on the horizon.

Pineapple Souffle

Every family has their inside jokes. In my family, one is that Kim can't cook. Now, of course, this isn't true. But, all the other women in the family are good cooks and we've been doing it for a long time and we don't get too excited about it. Kim wants to know all the details when she starts to cook something, and this has been the cause of much mirth in the family.

One time she wrote down a recipe at Cathy's house and, because she was talking while doing it and went off and forgot the recipe card, which was to be discovered by Bob. Now, we all adore Bob, but he is the ultimate jokester. He could barely wait to call Kim and ask if he could come watch her when she made the pecan pie because he wanted to see how she used the 1 1/2 eggs she had written on the card.

At another family gathering, the subject of mashed potatoes came up. Kim peels one per person. There are three in their family - she peels three potatoes. Cathy and I kind of looked at each other with incredulity, and Cathy said she peels five pounds when it's the three in her family eating. I agreed, that I made a bunch when I made mashed potatoes. When Kim regained her composure, and got somewhat over her shock, she questioned us more throughly, certain she had misunderstood. This has been the subject of much laughter - especially since Kim, ever a good sport, tried peeling more only to have to throw some out.

Well, I think I've painted the picture sufficiently. Kim is very good natured, and invites the cooking jokes at her expense, and the rest of us never disappoint.

Yesterday at Mattie and Jim's, Kim made a Pineapple Souffle. Well, it was quite the hit. One of the gentleman there wanted to know who had made it. Mary Ann answered that it was her daughter-in-law, Kim, at which point this elderly gentleman promptly announced that he would marry the woman that made that.

Today, after he and Leah went home, Johnny called Mary Ann to get Kim's phone number because Leah wanted to get the recipe. I joked with my brother, Jackie, that I hoped Kim called Bob to tell him that she was getting requests for her recipe.

Well, she did, and Bob enjoyed that, too.

I decided I should call and ask for the recipe to share here. I was person number three who had requested it.

When I talked to Kim she recited the ingredients and then said, "is that five?" I said yes, and she said, "OK, that's it then. I don't make anything that's got more than five ingredients." I had forgotten Kim's five-ingredient-rule.

This prompted me to go back and look through the photos from yesterday, to see if I had any pix of the now-famous dish. Fortunately, I did. And in two seperate photos, people are dipping into that very thing.



I particularly enjoyed the fact that Bob is visible in the background here as Joyce dips into the Pineapple Souffle.

Although the photos don't do justice to this now highly sought after item, I did try to crop in on it in the various photos where it was visible. It should be noted this was a double recipe - just so there's no confusion.



And look at it just a few photos later...


We didn't know then what a treasure we had in our midst! I didn't eat any and I'm starting to feel like I really missed out. I guess I'll have to make some myself.

And... just in case you want to do the same... Kim, like all good cooks, generously shared the recipe.

Kim's Famous Pineapple Souffle
that generate marriage proposals and numerous recipe requests
all the while keeping within the five-ingredient-rule

1 8 ounce can crushed pineapple (not lite)
1 stick melted butter
4 slices bread, diced
3 eggs
1/2 cup sugar

Mix all ingredients and bake at 350 degrees in a 2 quart casserole for about 45 minutes.

Then the Fence was Gone

Well, yesterday I said I'd get a photo of Johnny today since he escaped my camera lens during the big family gathering. Fortunately, when I arrived at Mattie and Jim's today, Johnny and Wayne were busy tearing out a fence in the backyard.

Of course, this required much discussion...

And ripping out posts...

And then replacing posts for tomato cages. But no need to hammer those into the ground by hand when you can use a tractor to push them in. I'm not sure this is one of the recommended uses of a tractor, but it did work.

However, Leah was sure it was a little off...

It didn't seem to me that her help was appreciated.

Wayne did take a little time to play with Sam, who liked to fetch the discarded chunks of wood and then chomp on them for awhile. Not sure what was so fun about that, but he was having a great time at it, so you can't argue with success.

But that was just a brief break. They got the fence out and all but a couple of the holes filled. They had a list of things they wanted to accomplish this weekend and most got done. Painting the porch didn't happen, though, because it was just too chilly to be doing that. It seems Easter Sunday will be a little nippy tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Jim shocked his granddaughter, Leslie, today when she walked in and saw him on the computer. He has only gotten interested in the computer in the last few months. I'm proud to say he's a regular reader of this blog. Well, at least that's what he tells me. I guess your brother has to say such a thing.

Leslie took a picture herself. I decided it was a good idea to do the same. Of course, maybe it's easier to get people to read when they're reading about themselves. That's a good trick for me to remember for the future...