Ovary Update 568

We saw Dr. Horbelt, the gynecological oncologist, in Wichita today. I feel a bit more encouraged. This blog is very detailed and may fall into the "too much information" category so the short version is surgery will be in about two weeks, Dr. Horbelt is pleasant, twitter came up, and I'm so thankful for the medical care I've had to this point.

The long version follows.

He examined me then he had us come in and talk to him. He said, "I am not happy with the radiology report, but your young age trumps that." Apparently, ovarian cancer in women under 50 is rare. I just turned 47 in late December. Another factor is that I was on the pill for a number of years. Being on the pill for more than ten years decreases your risk for ovarian cancer by fifty percent. I also have none of the symptoms - bleeding, irregular periods, etc. - other than the pain. So, that's all good. The CA125 level being normal is good, but there are cancers that don't raise that level. So, it's not a definite.

He said it is 20 centimeters. I've now heard everything from 13-15, to 16-18, to 20. It's big. Obviously. Twenty centimeters is about eight inches.  He said size has nothing to do with whether or not it's benign. Benign can be small or large, and cancer can be small or large.

The incision will be about at my belly button and go down. I have a little hernia in my belly button and they'll fix that too, as a matter of course in how they sew me up. If it's benign they remove it and that will be it. If it's not they will cut further up so he can explore. Obviously, that will affect my recovery time.

If it's cancer, a hysterectomy is a matter of course. If it's benign it's my choice what to do in that regard. Dr. Wesley, my general practitioner, encouraged me to consider that given my age. Although I have no signs of menopause, for most women it would happen in the next 2-3 years. It might well be later for me given that many women in my family have had babies into their 40s, including my mother, and ancestors on both sides of the family. (My great grandmother had a baby at 48 - long before there were fertility drugs!) But, it's going to happen eventually.

A hysterectomy would remove the potential for cancer in all of those spots in the future. So, ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer would no longer be possibilities for me. I'm going to have that done.

It's very odd to think that I've just finished my last period. It's a life passage that I'm not going to experience in the natural way. There will be some grieving related to that. But, I will grieve it a few months from now. This isn't the time for that. I understand the whole concept of how it's not natural to remove those organs and all of that. But I also understand that human bodies were designed for 35 to be a ripe old age. And, frankly, the last week hasn't been a whole lot of fun. I don't want to do this, or anything like it, again. So, I have a chance to prevent a bunch of similar things and I'm going to.

They will call me tomorrow with a schedule for surgery but it will probably be about two weeks. He needs a stretch of time to do it in and he's apparently in surgery every day. I will probably be in the hospital about five days. I'm not sure which hospital yet, either.

Dr. Horbelt should teach bedside manner. Generally I find specialists to be annoyed by the person attached to the body part they're especially interested in. The attitude is, "oh no... it's talking... make it stop talking... it wants me to talk to it... I don't want to talk to it... make it stop."

I'm very spoiled because Dr. Wesley has great bedside manner and I forget not all doctors are that way. But, Dr. Horbelt was wonderful - twitter even came up in casual conversation. I generally steel myself for any encounter with a specialist, but I remind myself they don't have to be pleasant, they just have to be excellent. Today I got both. Dr. Horbelt was charming from the outset. And, what I most care about, seems to be at the top of his game.

Today I've begun to realize how fortunate I am that Dr. Wesley didn't just blow off the pain I was having and insisted I get a pelvic sonogram. And I'm thankful Dr. Neuschafer referred me on when he didn't feel comfortable doing the surgery. It seems this is the right path.

Things can change day to day, of course, but I'm hoping we're on the way to resolving this.
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Ovary Update 497

I swear I've talked more about my ovaries - at least one of them - in the last five days than I have in the totality of my life up until now. It feels like I've had at least 497 conversations, but I'm sure I'm exaggerating. And, frankly, it's nice so many people care about such things.

Here's the latest... I called the Wichita office yesterday and asked if they had a cancellation list. They said they didn't, but to call back every day and see if someone had cancelled. So, about 8:30 this morning I did just that and am seeing him this afternoon.

I'm not sure if there was really a cancellation or if the receptionist I spoke with this morning just worked me in. Regardless, I'll see him this afternoon and hopefully move this process along.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic this morning. Nothing has changed - I still have no symptoms of ovarian cancer, only one risk factor, and my CA level is normal. The only thing that changed from yesterday is that the doctor I saw yesterday was more pessimistic.

And, I am thankful that if he doesn't feel comfortable operating on me - because of the tumor or because of my size or because he didn't like the color of my hair - regardless of the reason, if he doesn't feel comfortable doing it, we don't want him doing it. I always appreciate it when doctors are willing to refer you because they're out of their area of expertise. I cannot argue with his assessment that I should be operated on by someone who deals with gynecological cancer every week, instead of him who sees it a couple of times a year, just in case.

So, that's the scoop.

Sharon and Jocelyn came over last night and made a Reiki housecall, which was lovely. I finally took a pain pill yesterday after being poked around on, and it wasn't kicking in as quickly as I expected. I called the pharmacist who told me it was okay to take up to EIGHT lortab in a day and I should just take another one. I resisted, while reading the "could be habit forming" sticker on the bottle. I expected one to practically knock me out. Fortunately, the Reiki took care of the pain while the pill was kicking in.

I know some think I'm being way too open about this. But, I figure you've been sharing my life on the blog all along and life comes with bumps in the road. This is one of them. So, I'm going to share it with you, too. I will try to label the posts so if you just don't want to be exposed to yet more ovary information you can ignore. Normal blogging will return!

I know some think I am being flippant about all of this. Trust me, I'm not. I'm taking it seriously. But I cannot sit around and wallow, whine and wring my hands about, "oh my God, I could have cancer." Whatever it is, I've got to deal with it and I'm just doing that step by step.

I expect a complete and full recovery, regardless of what the pathology says.
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Surgery Update

We met with the surgeon today and he referred me to a specialist in Wichita. The surgeon here says this ovarian mass is "very suspicious" for cancer because it's solid and has finger-like projections. He wants to send me to a gynecological oncologist in Wichita. There are two. I'm seeing the one who's the head of the department Thursday morning.

I'm going to the appointment with my bags packed, ready to go to the hospital. They didn't tell me to do that, and I doubt it will be that fast, but I'm going prepared just in case they can get me in right away. This thing has to come out of me. As soon as possible. I'm in enough pain today I finally broke down and took one of heavy duty pain pills. It hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm sure it will soon.

I'm hoping for the best. There is no evidence this has spread so even if it is cancer it's possible it can just be surgically removed and I'll have a complete cure.

It's also still very possible it is benign. They cannot tell without surgery.

The doctor today said that he wanted to refer me to a specialist so that just in case it's cancer the operation is being done by someone who does it all the time, instead of him, who does it maybe twice a year.

Of course, having the surgery done in Wichita isn't as convenient, and people won't be able to pop in and visit, and this is scary information, but it's probably all for the best. The larger hospital is also just more equipped to deal with my size. So, it looks like it will be happening at Wesley in Wichita but I don't yet know when.

I'm starting to feel like I need a little graphic for these posts like the news stations do... "Ovary Update... Day 5."  Apologies to my male readers - if I have any left at this point.
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George Bailey

Greg said the nicest thing to me yesterday as we were leaving Roy's and I was commenting that so many folks have been so concerned about the upcoming surgery. He said, "Well, you're George Bailey. People care about you."

I love "It's a Wonderful Life" and George Bailey is one of my heroes, so that was so sweet of him to say.

I have to say that I've been incredibly touched by the outpouring of support from people. People offering to let me come stay at their homes to recuperate, making offers to do anything at all that I need - housework, errands, whatever. And the offer of many prayers, for which I'm very grateful.

I've heard from blog readers, casual acquaintances, and friends I haven't seen in years. My family has been great. Numerous friends have made genuine offers of help. It's so very comforting to think so many are sending good energy my way, and are concerned for my well-being.

I feel so fortunate to have Greg with me. He has been wonderful through this whole process, and will stay with me at home for a few days after the surgery. He's going with me to talk to the surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I'll know then when the surgery will be.

Greg is going to keep this blog updated throughout the surgery. So, you'll be able to follow along - literally step by step. Every time the doctor lets Greg know anything he will let you know. So, you will know the details of the surgery before I do.

Aside from hoping it's benign, and all the other problems of money, time, etc. I've mentioned, I'm concerned about pain. I know that probably seems really stupid given all the other, far more important, things I could be worried about. But, I think those life and death - and quality of life - questions are just too big for me to think about. I cannot let myself be occupied with them, so I'm worried about how much pain I'll be in. It's something I can resolve by telling myself millions of people before me have managed it and so can I.

I don't handle pain well. But, I don't handle this not knowing what kind of day I'm going to have well either. Today I was in a little bit of pain that went on for about six hours. Then, about 5:30 this afternoon I leaned back in my chair and it just quit. Instantly. And I've felt normal since then. It lends credence to my doctor's thought that this mass may shift and press on a nerve at times. Obviously, I can't keep living like this, either, so it has to come out. And when it comes out I'll have the answers to those much bigger questions, too.

I hope, like George Bailey, I have a guardian angel or two watching out for me. I'm not sure if Clarence is available these days or not.
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The Tree is Down

The Christmas tree is down, thanks to Barbara and Cleta. And it's packed away thanks to Greg.



Barbara, Greg and I went to Roys for lunch and then came back here. Barbara and I started on the tree and Greg started hauling things to the basement I had packed up last night.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have all this help.

Cleta had a meeting this afternoon, but stopped by afterwards and dug right in. Of course, she is experienced, having done it last year!



Greg made many, many trips to the basement and some out to the shed to pack away everything.

I am so happy to have it down and stored. I love Christmas but once it's over I'm ready for everything to be put away. Greg said he will move the stand and plywood base for me tomorrow. I have one tree left to take down - the gold and copper tree, but that shouldn't take too long to do. We still have to store the white tree. It's the first year I've had it so it doesn't have a home yet.

I do not want to lay around looking at the Christmas stuff, so I'm so thankful for the help in getting it packed up and stored away. Barbara and Cleta worked hard, and Greg made many, many trips. I'm a fortunate girl to have such wonderful friends.
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One More Day

I spent the day preparing for surgery. I accomplished a bunch of things today for work and home - from getting a grant out the door to putting away Christmas things.

Aside from the main tree, I'd say I have about 90% of the Christmas stuff boxed up. Greg has been hauling it to the basement for me since lifting anything can cause the pain to start. My doc suggested it may be that the mass is shifting and hitting a nerve and that's what's causing pain. I just know the last time it hurt it was a direct result of picking up my suitcase so I'm loathe to lift anything that's more than a few pounds.

I've had many calls, emails, comments and notes today from folks regarding last night's blog entry. I'm so appreciative of everyone's kind words and encouragement. I bet more than one third of the people today have told me a story about themselves, or someone they knew, who had to have a mass removed. All were benign, and almost all grapefruit sized. I'm beginning to suspect that it must be at grapefruit sized when they're large enough to press on something so we can feel them.

Tomorrow Barbara is coming over to help me take down the tree. I'll be glad to have it all packed away. It's a big job. Last year Cleta and I did it in about 6 hours working steadily, so hopefully we'll be able to get it done tomorrow.

I called around today and found I can rent a hospital bed to have at home for recuperation and the cost (less than $200 a month) will go toward my insurance deductible. It's as if I'm not the first person to need this. Who knew? There's a system.

Now the question is if I want to recuperate in the living room or the sun porch or somewhere else. I'm guessing I won't need it too long, but I know I won't feel like climbing the steps to go to bed right away, so since I have to get something it might as well be a hospital bed that I can raise to a really comfortable height.

I'm really touched by people's concern and offers of help - everything from offers to come and stay at their homes while I recuperate to dozens of other things. I genuinely appreciate the generous offers, but I think I'll be more comfortable at my own house. I'm sure there will be things I need, but at this point I don't know exactly what they are. I'm hoping someone can be with Greg while the surgery is happening. I don't want him to be alone waiting.

When I went to bed last night I thought, "well, this will be the test... do I sleep or will I be awake all night worrying." I slept. Soundly. I'm feeling very optimistic that this is just a benign mass and not something to worry about long term. I hope that's the case.

Greg will be updating this blog during surgery, every time they tell him anything. So, you'll be able to keep track of things if you wish. When my brother, Jackie, had heart surgery last year I created a blog for him so everyone could keep track of things. It worked really well. So, I figure this blog will serve the purpose for everyone to keep track of my surgery.

I need to gather a bunch of books to read while I'm on the mend. If you have anything in mind, please let me know. Sharon got me a copy of "Water for Elephants" for Christmas and I loved that book. If you have suggestions, comment or email me at patsyterrell@gmail.com and lmk. I'm guessing my mind will be fully functioning before my body is and I can only watch so much daytime TV.
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My Medical News

In the life of any blogger, there comes a moment where you have to decide how much to share. Most days it's very easy to make that decision. Other times, it's a bit of a gray area. Today, I've struggled.

But, I thought about how you've been sharing my daily life here for almost five years. You've been with me through many ups and downs and so it would seem almost rude to not share the latest news in my world with you, even though it is not upbeat.

I apologize in advance, because this is medical stuff, but it is what I'm thinking about at the moment.

On Dec. 1 I experienced some serious pelvic pain. It happened once more very severely on my birthday, Dec. 23. Otherwise I've had some less severe pain over the last few weeks. Of course, I also had the stomach flu, so it was hard to always distinguish what was what.

My doctor scheduled me for a pelvic sonogram before Christmas but I had the stomach flu and rescheduled it. You have to drink 32 ounces of water and I didn't think I could keep it down.

I went for it on Monday. This morning my doctor's office called to tell me it showed a "suspicious mass" on my right ovary. So, today I went in for a CT scan, blood work, and a visit with my doctor.

This thing is about the size of a large grapefruit. It appears solid, so more of a mass than a cyst, although they don't know. They don't know if it's benign or cancerous, but my CA125 test - which is the closest thing to a screen for ovarian cancer we have - shows a level of 23, which is well within the normal range of 0-32. The CT shows no other masses in the region.

So, I have an appointment on Monday with a gynecological surgeon. I will have to have surgery to remove it - probably very soon. They will be able to do the pathology on it while I'm under, so oddly enough, other people will know if it's cancerous before I do. But, so it goes.

Greg was still in Joplin and when I called him this morning to tell him he just jumped in the car and headed back so he could be with me at my 4 p.m appointment. I was so thankful to have him there. I needed him to ask the right questions. I've never had any serious medical issues so this is a lot to digest. It was also a huge comfort to have him with me.

I'm a big believer in the idea of a "divine plan" and that what we're doing or experiencing at any given moment is what we're supposed to be doing or experiencing. This certainly isn't something I would have chosen for myself, but for whatever reason, it's where I find myself. So, I'm going to try to be thankful for this experience and what it has to teach me.

I am incredibly thankful for my doctor and his nurse who are very kind and caring people. They spent an hour and a half with me this afternoon, answering questions and making appointments. And, thank heavens, he did the CA125 test so I had that information. I do find that comforting.

I'm certainly teary and upset at times, but overall I'm okay. I have no choice but to move through this. I hate the idea of having surgery. I hate the idea of what it's going to cost. I hate the idea of being down for some time. But, I don't really have another choice at this point. It's too large to ignore or keep watching to see what happens. And I can't go through every day wondering if I'm going to be incapacitated by pain. So, I can only hope it's benign and surgery goes smoothly and recovery is quick.

I'm not making any plans until I see the surgeon on Monday. I'll know more then. In the meantime I'm going to figure out where I'll recuperate at home. I doubt I'm going to feel like climbing the stairs to bed. This is the time to regret getting rid of the sofa bed, I guess.

Barbara is coming over Saturday to help me take down the tree. I want to get all the Christmas stuff put away before I go in. Unfortunately, I can't lift much of anything. The last time I picked up something the least bit heavy - a suitcase - it started the pain. That's going to make it difficult to get things around the house done, but I'll just do the best I can do.  There are many work things I need to handle, too, of course. Fortunately, with technology these days I'll be able to work from home. 

Your good thoughts, healing energy, and prayers are much appreciated at this time.
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Search for the Dignity in Everyone

I hunger for meaningful conversation. Not chit chat about the weather, or idle talk about last Sunday's dinner, but meaningful conversation. I want to engage with people on a level where I learn who they are at the core. The surface is all the candy coating. I want to know people in a different way.

I've been thinking for awhile about starting another group to have an opportunity for that. As I was driving to and from Kentucky this time I was listening to podcasts and it occurred to me that I often read or hear something that makes such an impression on me I want to note it. I realized those sorts of things might be a way to facilitate moving a group from the surface to something deeper.

When something really makes an impression on me it's a spiritual moment. These are not to be brushed aside, but to be considered carefully. These are not experiences to be taken lightly. They should be given their due.

One of the phrases that caught my ear this time, that I made a note of, was the idea to, "Search for the dignity in everyone." I find that such a poetic way of imploring us all to respect our fellow humans. Search for the dignity in everyone. Isn't that lovely? I think I will remind myself of that phrase on a regular basis. Search for the dignity in everyone.

I had an opportunity this evening to apply that to a real life situation. When I'm out of the office I transfer the phone to my cell, and if I'm awake when it rings, I answer it - morning, noon or night. Tonight I've had two calls, which is unusual for one evening. After midnight I had a call from a woman who was suffering a mental health crisis. I'm not a therapist and I'm very careful to never give medical advice. This woman was not at her best, understandably so. She was not dignified in language or behavior. But, when we search for the dignity in everyone we can see beyond those things to the person - fellow human - who is hurting. This story has a happy ending. With dignity.
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No More Whining and Wallowing

I decided today there would be no more whining from me. It's January. Christmas is over for this season. There are tasks I don't like that I am responsible for. It's not my favorite time of year. Yadda yadda yadda. Enough.

I have wallowed in this long enough. So, today I stopped. Done. Moving on.



One of my stops today was the post office where I picked up a stack of cards that arrived after I left for Kentucky. This is always a treat when I come back - Christmas and birthday cards I haven't yet seen. Of course, there are usually some of mine in there that have been returned for one reason or another, too.

I did manage to accomplish quite a few work things today and some personal things tonight. Naturally, there's more to do, however.

One thing I did tonight was fix myself a decent dinner.



It was a spinach salad with toasted pine nuts, sauted mushrooms and Peruvian onions, and chopped fresh apple with a balsamic dressing. It was pretty yummy, although I think it could be improved on with a little twist of lemon in the dressing.

I need to eat more food that doesn't come with labels. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables already, but I need to eat more of those kinds of things and fewer things that have a list of ingredients I can't pronounce.

Well, I need to get some rest. I have some appointments tomorrow that are going to take some energy. Best to start the day rested.
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The Blahs

I'm trying to get back into the swing of normal life but it is a struggle. I feel like I'm going through the motions and not doing it very well. But, there's nothing to do but keep going.

Tonight was Chicks, so it was good to have something to look forward to all day. Afterwards I started taking down Christmas decorations. I got the ornaments off the Santa tree in the sunporch, and part of them off the white tree in the dining room so I at least got started. I wouldn't say it's a spectacular start, but it is a start.

Part of my blahs is just that the holidays are over, which means the time off has come to an end. And, more than usual, I wanted to stay in Kentucky for Jackie's surgery this week. But, I had a pelvic sonogram scheduled for tomorrow morning and needed to get back here to do that, not to mention get back to work. So, here I am.

January is a really busy, jam-packed month generally, and much of it is stuff I don't particularly enjoy. Needless to say, that can make one feel blah also.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a wonderful, happy surprise that will lift my blahs right away.
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Home

I'm back in Hutchinson tonight. I spent last night in Joplin and had a great afternoon today with Greg and his mom. Going out to lunch turned into a five hour trip.

We went to a town about 20 minutes away to a restaurant we've been to before, only to discover that on Sunday they only offer a buffet. And it was bad. Very bad. We just looked at it and passed.

On the drive out there we had passed a place called Sandstone Gardens, and Greg's mom mentioned they had a restaurant there she had eaten at before. So, we headed back there and had a wonderful lunch. You can tell by the smile on Miss Joy's face.



Sandstone Gardens is a gift and interior design store/restaurant/statuary garden place. It's hard to describe, but it's cool. I'm planning to go back again.

You can tell they are planning on being a destination. They've got a huge parking lot and easy access from the interstate. I'll be eager to see if they're able to make that happen. I'm always amazed at places that accomplish that feat.

Cathy and I had lunch at Lambert's in Sikeston Saturday and, like every time I'm there, I wonder how they went from a little cafe to the empire they are now. Yes, the food is good. But the food is good at hundreds of little places along the road that do not become destinations unto themselves. I guess the marketing people would say it's "sticky," but I always wonder how things become sticky.

Maybe the Sandstone Gardens folks will talk to the Lambert's folks to get some tips. I want to go back in the summer and see how the grounds look.



After lunch and some shopping around the store - some of their Christmas stuff was half off! - we made our last stop of the afternoon. We went to the Downstream Casino that is a new addition to the landscape there. Greg had been there with some friends, and Greg's mom hadn't seen it yet. It's big news in the area, I guess.

I've never been to a Casino before. If you're a casino lover, just stop reading now because I'm going to tick you off. And there's no need for that.

My impression of the casino experience is that it's trashy - at least this one experience. And I don't mean a little trashy. I mean there might as well be black velvet decor, an adult xxx store, hookers for hire and an Elvis impersonator making the rounds with free drinks to keep you buzzed enough to forget you're feeding your money into a machine so you can push a button. Maybe they do have some of those things for all I know. But - word to the wise - the King is Dead. Elvis is NOT Alive and Well. Really. Honest.

I don't know what other casinos look like, but this was row after row of blinking, beeping machines in a cavernous room lit largely by the gaudy displays on the machines. At nearly every machine was a person hunched over it, glassy eyed, staring at the display as if it held the secret to life, a cigarette in one hand while the other hand methodically punched the appropriate "bet" buttons. They stopped only to feed more cash into the machine.

Frankly, I could see some entertainment value in playing the quarter machines for $5 or $10 worth of fun. But, that would require being elbow to elbow with the people who seem way beyond the "this is entertainment" phase to the "this is the next big win" phase. There's a reason casinos don't go out of business. It's because you're giving them your money.

All of that said, we had a lot of laughs during our 10-15 minutes there. I just couldn't spend much time with the majority of the other folks there. That is not my crowd. I'm sure there are some folks in there who are, but not the majority.

Apparently the casino regularly gives people free credit to play. You know why they can afford to do that? Because people are blindly feeding real money into the machines. But not me.

My outlay - $0. My take - a cool bungee cord they give you to hold your little card. I took the card off it and will use it for a jump drive or something. See, it's not true what they say about if you don't play, you don't win. I didn't play and yet I got this cool new bungee cord. It's not a million dollar jackpot, but no one else got that, either. And I still have all my money AND the cool bungee cord.
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Getting Back To Life

I spent the night in Joplin and it was great to have time with everyone here. Today it's back to Hutchinson and "normal" life. I dread getting back to some parts of my "normal" life and there's something horribly wrong with that. We should all be leading a life we love, not one we want to get away from. Many, many parts of my life are terrific, but those that I dread take a tremendous amount of energy from me. Obviously, I need to fix those things. I just haven't figured out how to do that and pay all the bills.

Masonic Tombstones in Ballard County Kentucky

Over the years as I've tromped around cemeteries for geneaology information, I've noticed tombstones with the Mason symbol. Masons seem steeped in mystery and I don't know what they're all about.

But, I'm fascinated that people felt such an affinity with them that they added the Masonic symbol to their tombstones. Sometimes it is given as much importance as the pertinent data about the deceased.



J. Alvis Grace, 1887-1920, gives over most of the informative space on his tombstone to the Masonic symbol. These photos were taken in the Mt. Pleasant Baptist Church Cemetery outside of LaCenter, Kentucky.



Not far away is this stone for George S. Myers, 1847-1918. I was taken by the decoration on the front of this stone. There is no other information on it than what can be seen in this photo and it's like a little box.



George W. Terry, Dec. 20, 1870-May 16, 1926 has the Mason's symbol uppermost on his tombstone.



John Robert Williams, Aug. 7, 1888 to Sept. 19, 1955 makes use of the Mason symbol where others might have used a dash.



W.C. Mitchell Feb. 8, 1878 to Feb. 3, 1941, does the same thing, but with a deeply engraved design for the Masonic symbol.



Robert Hahs, and wife Nancy, are listed on the side opposite the one given to nothing but the family name and the Mason symbol.



There's no indication of Nancy's affiliation.



The stone of William Reesor and his wife Maggie Reesor has the Masonic symbol above his name and a star above hers. I'm assuming the star is for the Order of the Eastern Star, which could be joined by either men or women. The men had to be masons and the women associated with a mason.

I also spotted this stone and wondered if the star on it referenced the Order of the Eastern Star.



One of the really interesting stones I saw on this little trip through the cemetery was this one for Dr. James W. Wallace. The stone is a Woodmen of the World one, which I understand from the wiki was a benefit of membership with Woodmen of the World until the 1920s when it was determined this was too expensive.



Wallace, born Oct. 4, 1859, died Aug. 29, 1915, has yet another monument. You can see the corner of it in this photo. It's a slab behind this headstone.



Of course, this is where the Mason symbol is.



I can only guess he felt enough affinity for the Masons that he wanted to add that to the Woodmen of the World tombstone.

It's curious, isn't it, what we feel such affection for that we want preserved on our tombstones. For many of us, a tombstone is our little bit of immortality. I would guess the most common designation on them is "mother" or "father," but for some an association with a group - a club, if you will - is so strong that they want to be forever identified as a member.

Is there any group you would feel such a strong affinity with? I can't think of anything that would rise to that level for me. I noticed none of these were recent. I'm not sure if that's happenstance, or if fewer people do this anymore. Obviously, the Masons must serve a real purpose in people's lives - or at least did at this time.

Depends on How You Look At It

New Years is a time when we look for a new start. Of course, we could get that new start on any arbitrary day we chose, but we have decided January 1 is it. I haven't been too keen on falling into the trap of making New Year's Resolutions for quite some time. It's a recipe for failure for me, so I stopped doing it many years ago.

I do, however, chose something each year to focus on. I haven't yet done that this year - partially because I haven't spent enough time with pen and paper to figure out where I should put my energies. It is never something like losing weight - while a noble goal, obviously not one I'm likely to carry out. It's usually something more esoteric than that.

I do know that at this time next year I want my life to look different - be better, more calm. The trick is how to achieve that.

I also know I need to have opportunities this year to give into my whims, to meet new people, to see different things. I have become far too staid in my daily life - partially because daily life has required more and more of me in the last few months. I have to figure out how to make daily life work for me instead of me working for it.

This evening I went to the funeral home. Mattie's mother died after a long bout with alzheimer's. Regardless of their condition, we are never ready to let go of our loved ones. I haven't seen Mrs. Scott in many years. Those years can slip away so quickly, although I'm sure they've seemed very long and arduous for her family.  Although my presence was not a comfort to anyone there I'm sure, it was good to be there to honor the grief a family is experiencing at a time like this.

It's a rocky way to begin a New Year. Or, it's a new beginning for Mrs. Scott. All of life - and death - depends on how you look at it.

Next week my brother, Jackie, will go to the hospital for surgery to remove a lung cancer. The prognosis is excellent for him. I wish I could stay and be here to help when he has surgery, but I must return to my job. That's the difficulty of having a life going in more than one location - it's hard to do justice to all of them. I know it's hard to understand for those who are living life in one locale - the way we were meant to.

It's by the grace of God that the lung cancer was caught so early. His last year has been a series of miracle blessings disguised as traumas. Again, all about how you look at it I suppose.

Maybe that is something I need to mull over as 2009 gets underway.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

I hope 2009 is a year of great joy for each of us. May it be the time we see as the watershed year when life became exactly what we've always wanted it to be. May we all have joy, laughter, love, kindness, freedom and peace.

Seeking Zathah

I spent some time today in the Wickliffe, Kentucky cemetery. I have some family buried there and went to check on the graves. After I had done that I decided I would wander around a bit and look for some names that might make good characters in a book. I started snapping photos of tombstones as reminders. I also took some photos of tombstones that were interesting for one reason or another.

As I was driving out of the cemetery I spotted another unusual tombstone and just snapped a photo from the car. Then, a few feet away, I saw the stone below. I took a photo because it was a name I had never seen before. Zathah Lee Glenn. Zathah.



So, tonight I google for Zathah. And I find a geneaology page at http://www.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~modade/martin.htm that says:

Dalmus Clarence Martin was born on 2 Jul 1909 in Prague, Lincoln Co. OK.  He died on 19 Jan 2004 in Salina, Saline Co. KS.  Dalmus married Zathah Glenn Overstreet, daughter of Mac D. Overstreet and Mary Jane Lipe, on 15 Oct 1939 in Hutchinson, Reno Co. KS.  Zathah was born on 14 Jun 1914 in Murphysboro, Jackson Co. IL.  She died on 6 Aug 1990.

From “Kansas Obituaries,” http://homepages.rootsweb.com/
~overstrt/obits/ksobits.html:  Dalmus C. Martin, 94, Salina,(Kansas) died Monday, Jan. 19. (2004) He was born July 2, 1909, in Prague, Okla. He was a chef and restaurant owner for 58 years, retiring in 1985. He and his wife managed the Wareham Coffee shop for many years. He was preceded in death by his wife, Zathah Glenn Overstreet-Martin in August, 1990. . . .”

Okay... am I the only one who thinks it is very weird that I find an odd name in a cemetery in the county I'm from in Kentucky, google for it and the first thing I look at on the web is about a person who got married in the town where I now live, some states away? How many towns are there in the US? And they happen to have a connection to the one town where I live?

There's also a myspace page of someone with that name and they live in Wichita, less than an hour from Hutchinson, where I live. The other reference to the name online is in a cell phone forum. About the phone I carry.

I'm sure there's some mysterious, deep meaning I am supposed to divine from this, but at the moment I'm just struck by the oddness of it all.

Literary Agent Hunt

I've been doing some hunting around for a literary agent. In the process I've discovered a number of agents who blog. These are sometimes quite interesting, if disheartening, to read. The numbers are not in favor of those of us who want to find an agent with whom we can build a career.

The general thrust of the blogs I've seen so far is, "I'm overworked. I'm taking on one out of every 43,012 people who approach me. I'm annoyed by your mere existence."

I can only assume that the perfect match for me is out there and that I will find them.

What do you say after 28 years?

Tonight I had dinner with a friend I haven't seen in probably 28 years, maybe more. I suppose you can rightfully question the word "friend" after this lengthy silence, but I'm not sure what other term to use.

Cathy and I were friends in high school. She was a year ahead of me and after she graduated we drifted apart a bit, and then I went away to school, and you know the story. It has been repeated millions of times and our version is no different. Except that she found me on facebook and we reconnected. Or at least we had dinner.

So, what do you say to someone over barbecued chicken breast and salmon when you haven't talked in 28 years? How exactly do you catch up? Where do you even start that process?

I was thinking on the drive there what I would ask someone that would give me insight into who they are. I ponder this occasionally and, as of yet, I've been unable to come up with the questions that are appropriate to ask in such a circumstance. What I want to know is, "who are you? what do you think about? what do you dream of? where do you want to go? what has touched you? what defines your life? how would you describe yourself without mentioning another person or a profession? how do you move in the world?" I just haven't figured out how to ask people those things. Any one of those questions tends to cause a physical recoiling. I want to know the answers to all of those plus about four dozen more. I have learned through experience that this is overwhelming to people.

I will say the conversation tonight flowed easily, and none of it was rehashing our high school glory days. (Not that I had any glory days then but it seems that "glory" is always supposed to precede "days" in such cases.) I know I've covered my dislike of that rehashing here, so I won't belabor the point.

A lot happens in a life in nearly three decades. It's more than a generation, after all.

It's not my place to tell her story, so I won't, but suffice it to say that tragedy has touched her family's life. The honesty of sharing that is astounding. Tragedy shapes who we are and to enter into a relationship with another person we have to be honest about the forces that act on us. How we react to tragedy speaks volumes about the people we are. Before she told me of this, she told me her family was happy. That is what all of us are seeking, in one way or another. I'm so glad they have found it.

When I was driving home I realized that I shared very little of myself - at least the "self" that I think is the important one. That wasn't intentional on my part, it just happened that way. Maybe the music was too loud or the temperature was too cold or my mind was too occupied with the oddness of seeing someone I hadn't seen in so long. The more obvious answer is that I was reminding myself to not launch into a recitation of the above questions.

We did cover some meaningful topics. The experience caused me to consider how we really do engage with people in different environments. Or at least how I do.

Relationship is more about how we conduct ourselves than about how we say we do. Maybe that's why it's hard to maintain relationships with people when we're not with them on a regular basis. When you interact daily with people it requires a level of honesty unlike anything else, and it's an honesty we have no choice about. What we say is not as meaningful because we're living our lives in front of them. It's impossible to hide our embarrassment, longing and foolishness from those who are witness to it. But, we can build in a buffer zone. Twenty-eight years is a serious buffer zone.

But, Cathy and I both had the courage to come forward and step across it. And it has certainly given me something to think about. The experts say we all like to talk about ourselves, but if that's true, then why do we find it difficult to talk about who we really are most of the time?

And in this sort of situation, it's hard to figure out what you want to say about yourself that is telling that they don't already know. What are the defining moments that brought you from the eighteen year old they knew to who you are today? And, is the first meeting in nearly three decades the right time to subject someone to a litany of them? The answer is "no," I believe, so tonight we covered some of the really big ones and left the lesser known, but very powerful ones, for another time.

Friendship is a dance of timing and revelation. Even reconnecting to old friends. And honesty is a big part of it all. Maybe that's why blogs where people talk honestly about their lives - warts and all - are always more interesting than those where people just recite their children's latest accomplishments. Don't we all want to think others are as uncertain as we are? Does that make us horrible people? Or is it just a bit of 'round about honesty that we feel uncertain?

Something I really appreciated about this encounter was that Cathy went to some effort to make it happen. She called and wrote. I called and wrote. And eventually we made it happen. That seems a good beginning to a reconnection. It was great to see her.

Christmas

We started Christmas morning off at Bobby and Cathy's house to see what Santa brought BC. He must have been a very good boy this year because Santa brought him a laptop and a wireless setup to go with it.

By 8:30 a.m. I was flat on the floor in their office, my head stuck under the desk, to see what we needed to do to get the wireless going. What can I say? I'm a bit of a geek. I get excited by new technology toys.

By the way, please take note of BC's new jammies. Had you heard his mom and grandma the night before, you would have thought he was 5 instead of approaching 19.

BC was so good this year that Santa also got him a wii. Christmas afternoon was spent with guitar hero...



But, illustrating one of the many ways he's so good that Santa was so nice... he shared.



There were other games too... bowling and golf and more...



Look at that form!



Somewhere along the way we opened presents...



Can you guess what it is?



Everyone likes stockings!



Today Mattie's family had their Christmas so I went out to see everyone. It's always fun to see kids enjoy Christmas.

I wanted to play with Alex's dinosaur, but it seemed rude to ask a child to share his toy.



Hannah was making a haul, too.



Johnny and Leah had three envelopes for their nieces. He said one had a lot of money, one a medium amount, and one a small amount. He didn't know which was which and let them choose. They all seemed happy at the end.






I discovered Leah is one of my own kind when it comes to wrapping presents. As she put it, "I like to make them pretty." She was modeling the ribbon from my packages.

Generally I don't exchange gifts with all of them, because we're not usually together, but I had picked up some little ornaments for each of them as a remembrance. I had expected to leave them with Mattie because I didn't expect to see everyone, but it was very nice to share that fun with them.

It was a nice day, although I wasn't my usual perky self quite yet. I am, however, feeling better. Tomorrow I'm eating real food again! It's a big day!

Round Two

I got sick overnight so couldn't go shopping this morning. I tried, but I was just too exhausted from the stomach flu, round 2. Tonight I'm feeling much better, but tired. I'm hoping the morning dawns with me feeling my usual perky self.

It has been many years since I've not gone out the day after Christmas shopping. I tried. I drove to Paducah, about 30 minutes away, and by the time I got there I was so tired I had to sit in the car for about 40 minutes before I could even go inside, where I bought nothing.

I went to another store and I bought some wrapping paper and one ornament. Not much of a haul for the day after, but it just couldn't be helped. Maybe there will be goodies left for me when I get my next chance to shop. Or maybe this is the universe's way of telling me I have too much Christmas stuff. Hmmm... nope... that can't possibly be it. However, I can only assume there was nothing there I desperately needed.

I've spent the rest of the time since I woke up trying to disinfect anything I might have touched so no one else gets sick. I hate it that I was around everyone on Christmas Day and could have given them the flu before realizing I had it. I was so hoping I would escape this, but it was not to be. Fortunately, no one else shows any symptoms yet. I hope that continues. I will feel just awful if someone else gets sick.

Hutchinson News Story about my Christmas Tree

The Hutchinson News did a story about my Christmas Tree. So fun!

Check it out at: http://www.hutchnews.com/Todaystop/treesiri.

I hope your Christmas Day has been fabulous so far and the rest of your holiday season is spectacular!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Thanks for sharing some of the holiday season with me this year.
It has been memorable. Below are some photos I've shared this month, along with a video tour of the house.


In the sunporch I have three lighted trees this year. The full size one is the Santa tree. When I sit in that chair I can see the main tree in the living room.



It was inspired by this ornament...





To the left of the santa tree in the sunporch is the red and white tree...





This Santa is on the writing desk beside the red tree.



On the other side of the sunporch, in front of the piano, is the pink and green tree.







Under the living room tree, the main tree is where I have all the presents.



There's a theme every year. This year's blue, purple, silver and white was inspired by a ribbon.



The tree looks different exposed for the lights.

Also in the living room I have the copper and gold tree.

In the dining room this year I have a white tree with blue, silver and crystal ornaments.




Beside this tree, on a chest, I have some of my Santas.

I also have this tree in the dining room...

And near it two of my favorite Santas...

This is right behind the table, where I spread out the goodies when I had my open house Saturday night. I love to bake, so I cooked up a number of sweets.


If you want to see it all in context, I took some video. Just click on the arrow and it will play automatically for you.


Greg took some photos of folks Saturday night. Some included Ace Jackalope.









Thanks for being part of my holiday season this year. Merry Christmas to you and yours. If you're enjoying a big family celebration, or gathering with friends, or appreciating the beauty of solitude this Christmas, may it be all you wish it to be and full of wonder. Happy Christmas to All.


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Check www.patsyterrell.com for the blog, art, and more. My southern fiction book is complete and I'm looking for a literary agent. Friend me on Facebook.com, Follow me at Twitter.com.