Question of the Day - Make that Week

Earlier this week, someone dropped off a little surprise for me at the office. It was a pretty little gift bag with a tin of teapot cookie cutters inside.

They left it downstairs with a volunteer, and it found its way up to my office. Unfortunately, they didn't sign the note, and I don't recognize the handwriting. So, it's a mystery. A pleasant mystery, but a mystery.

I was hoping I'd hear from someone, taking credit. But so far no one has.

How can a southern girl write a thank you note when she doesn't know who to address it to?
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Being Thankful

Tonight I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and it occurred to me what a fortunate person I am. When large numbers of people around the world are hungry, I'm deciding which of the things in my cupboard - refrigerator - garden to prepare. I have fresh, clean running water just steps away. I have a cooking stove right in front of me.

It's so easy to take these things for granted because they are part of our normal. But, I've been with people in various places in the world for whom these are unimaginable luxuries. They have never been faced with deciding what to eat, only figuring out how to eat. Yet they will generously share what little they have.

Most of us lead lives of astounding privilege and we don't even recognize it. I periodically try to step outside my everyday reality and see it from the perspective of someone who's daily life is very different.

By the same token, there are people who would pity me my life, because theirs is filled with luxuries beyond my imagination. But there is a difference between true luxuries, and basic necessities being out of reach.

One of the basic tenants of all the world's major religions is to take care of the poor, and yet few faiths take that really seriously. Of course, there are the Mother Teresas of the world, but part of the reason they're so noteworthy is that they're rare.

How does a person who wants to affect real change in the world do that today? One of my choices is Kiva.org, a mico-finance site. I also admire the Habitat for Humanity model.

Meanwhile, I remember to take a moment now and then to say a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings I enjoy every day, and a prayer of entreatment that all people might be faced with a choice of bounty when considering dinner.
________________

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Power of Action

I believe there is tremendous power in action. When I feel overwhelmed with things, I take some sort of action. It's often a very small action, but it's movement toward a goal. Over time, those small actions add up to something big being accomplished.

I was thinking about this in the context of how important "small" things are, when done with earnestness and sincerity. I was talking with a coworker the other day about a situation and I said, "I believe there is great power in handwritten thank you notes and baked goods."

It's true I believe both of things net results far exceeding the amount of energy expended. But the key, that so many people overlook, is the sincerity behind them. I write notes to people every week. But each one is considered and each one is genuine. I never write a "thank you for blah blah blah" note. When I write a note, it's sincere and heartfelt.

My mechanics joke with me whenever I go in about when I'm bringing them some more brownies or a cake. On occasion I pop in with goodies for them. It's not just that I like to cook and want to share baked goods, which is true, but it goes beyond that. When I bake for them I do it with intention of making them happy. It's different than cooking with a feeling of "I have to get through this."

Intention and sincerity are oft-overlooked, but I think that is where the true power of action lies.

The Weekend

The weekend is officially over in six minutes when midnight rolls around. I've been in pretty much constant motion, but have accomplished much this weekend. I just finished my last "have to get it out the door" task, and sent the piece to my editor, so I'm now ready to start the work week.

Unfortunately my house looks no better than it did on Friday night - maybe worse. But, I'm not sure how to find more hours in the days and nights. This was my last free weekend until late September so I'm not sure how I'll manage to get much done on it.

Looking really forward to next weekend. It will be filled with friends and acquaintances and much interesting conversation. Always a good way to spend time.

I did take time on Saturday for some Roy's barbecue. I decided to take a little video for those of you who haven't had the pleasure, or who don't get there often. Vegetarians look away!



________________

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Respect

I've been thinking a lot lately about respect, and how we dole it out. Do we respect the homeless man, the mentally ill woman? Do we respect the secretary, the maintenance man, the day trader, the day laborer? Do we respect the skateboarding kid, the nursing home resident, the single mother in the broken down car?

We place a huge amount of emphasis in our society on what people do for a living, as if somehow that relates to their worth as human beings. How did that develop? It seems like a system we would have nipped in the bud before it ever took root.

On the news in the US there's a phrase you hear repeatedly when talking about an accident somewhere: "No Americans were harmed." What is implied is that American life is more valuable than other life. Do we respect Americans more than other nationalities? Do we respect people from England? Australia? France? Mexico? Germany?

We respect people who drive certain kinds of cars more than others. Does a BMW really make the driver more worthy of respect than a Ford Focus?

Respect is tricky business. We all want it. It's a universal human desire it seems. But, we can be stingy when giving it to others. Why is that? Do we view it as a commodity that we can run out of if we give?
________________

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Feeling More Myself

Tonight was the celebration for the Hutchinson Art Association's 60th anniversary. I decided to just run by after work for a few minutes. Well, two and a half hours later I was still there. In fact, I think I was there for a while after it was officially over.

I ran into Teresa (on the right) and we were chatting. Then Adelagun (in the middle) and Linda came over and we got to visit with them. I "know" Adelagun from Facebook, but we tonight was the first time we've had a chance to visit face to face. Thank goodness she came over and said something to me. It makes me a little bonkers when people go home and send me a note saying, "was that you at the fill-in-the-blank event tonight..." Yes! It was. Come over and say hello so I get to meet you. While you might rightfully say why don't I say hello. Well, here it is - and I'm not proud of it - I can be totally oblivious to the world around me when I'm engaged in conversation with someone.

Years ago, when Greg and I lived together I went out to get something - before we all had cell phones in our pockets - and when I got home he asked, "Didn't you see me?"
"No, what are you talking about?"
"I remembered I needed something and ran out to tell you as you were pulling away. I swear you were watching me in the rear view mirror. I was waving my arms and running after the car. You just kept on driving... looking right at me in the mirror... and ignoring me... while I flailed my arms... yelling your name... "

Well, we had a good laugh about it. And realized we had probably amused the neighbors as I was driving away while he was running after the car. I'm guessing they thought a huge fight had ensued just prior.

The point of the story is - I don't notice. I'm focused on whatever the task at hand it. Maybe because I know I'm not good with details so it's my compensation for that. So, if you see me out and about, please say hello so I don't miss getting to see you.

It was a great evening. I visited with a ton of people, including Debbie who was exhibiting the felt piece she showed on her blog a while ago.



I'm very happy it is Friday. I have a list of things I hope to get through this weekend. I realized today as I was looking at my calendar that this is my last free weekend until the last week of September.

Of course, I'm thinking about Christmas and getting started soon. Greg has offered to help haul things up from the basement. I'm hoping other friends will help, too, so i can have a "Patsy Christmas."

Yesterday I went to Wichita to hit Hobby Lobby and get more ornaments for an event at work. For reasons I don't understand, Hobby Lobby get in their ornaments, and that's it - they don't reorder anything. So, heads up, if you're looking for the cool silver stars like I used on my packages last year you're out of luck in this area. I have bought them all, from all three stores in Hutch and Wichita, and I'm headed to Salina soon.

I also bought some other kinds of stars. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find enough of the silver ones. So, now it's a quandry - do I take those back or keep them for another project yet to be determined. I love stars.



I'm starting to feel a bit more myself. I hope that continues. A friend mentioned the other night, "you've had a really rough year... you need a vacation." And he's absolutely right. But, unfortunately, I also need to pay medical bills. So, that means doing as much work on the side as I can to increase my income, and not spending money on travel. It's not the way I would design my life. But, for the moment, it's a necessity. So, there you go. And, hopefully, the year is turning into something wonderful. There have been some great parts of it - benign - and a great new job. I'm expecting a continual upswing as the year progresses.

Regardless, as of this afternoon I realized I'm just feeling more normal, more myself. And I think that's good.
________________

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Quote, Ritual and Nature

"Authentic spirituality awakens the soul, reconnects us with the sacred, and fills us with the passion of life. Spiritual development is not about religious rituals and practices; it is about waking up to the wonder of life." -- David N. Elkins

I'm a devotee of the "wonder of life," but I think there's something to be gained from rituals of all sorts.

I was reading "World of Pies" today and Karen Stolz paints a wonderful picture in that book of the rituals the family goes through. She uses that concept masterfully to carry us from one part of their lives to another.

It's like that in real life, too. Rituals keep us grounded so we can move forward without losing our history.

Few things make me feel more spiritual than nature. All the great religious leaders go to the woods at some point, so I think they needed that connection too. It's universal.
________________

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Sometimes The Light Dawns Slowly

Tonight was Creative Sisterhood and it was a great evening of conversation. These women are interesting and insightful, and always generous with their thoughts, which I so appreciate.

Topics varied, as they often do, and covered a wide variety of subjects. We have a rule that we don't share outside the circle, so I can only talk about myself.

My main topic was the new job and how it's structured. After the "official" part of the evening was over I took the opportunity to ask Martha about something she mentioned a few weeks ago.

To explain, I have this "thing" about feeling like people don't listen to what I say - ignoring my thoughts about things. This developed over time through a number of circumstances. A few weeks ago Martha mentioned in passing that she thought people paid a great deal of attention to me and I needed to rethink that.

I hadn't had a chance to ask her more about that until tonight. It resulted in a conversation with her, Teresa and Julie about the topic. (Virginia had already left.) It's always interesting to see yourself through others' eyes. They gave me much to think about.

To sum up, I guess their message was that my "tone" has changed - that I approach people differently than I used to. I think that's the best way to describe it. As people have always pointed out to me I'm very definitive. That quality is a stumbling block, I've learned.

I've made a conscious decision in the last couple of years or so to be more approachable. Part of that has been to listen more. Maybe this change of tone is partly the result of that.

Internally, I would say I don't feel any differently about things than I ever did, but I've come to realize it's not important that I express my feelings to others in direct ways. I've always wanted people to know who I am, so they can make an informed decision about if I'm the sort of person the want in their lives. And I've always wanted that sort of "bare bones," just tell me who you are, in return. Perhaps the finesse of a relationship is to spend more time in discovery. 

It's exceedingly rare that anyone really wants to know how you feel at your core level about anything. I've always thought to be in relationship with anyone on any significant level you have to be totally honest and part of that was to express yourself with the passion you felt for anything. Is it honest to explain yourself with a level of intensity less than what you really feel?

I guess it boils down to if the message is heard at all. And that brings us back full circle to listening.

The light dawns slowly for me sometimes. I'm so thankful for people helping me see it.
________________

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A Work Day Break

I keep a teacup at my office to have a little break in the afternoon. For some reason, tea tastes better out of a pretty cup. I'll admit it's not the most practical, but if we always went for practical, high heels and sports cars wouldn't exist. So, I drink my tea from a pretty cup - I just drink it faster so it is still hot.

The job is going well. At least I think it is. Maybe they would tell me otherwise. The days are full. As I told a friend, "a lot happens in my work day." There are lots of projects going on and at different stages and so there's always something to work on.
Much of what I'm doing is very "rote" work and doesn't require any creativity or much thought  I'm very capable of completing all of it. And happy to do so. Unfortunately, when you're busy with that sort of thing you never get to do anything beyond that.

I'm very much of the mindset in the work place of:
1. There's more than one right way to do something.
2. My number one job is to make my boss look good.
3. If my opinion is asked for, I give it. If it's not, I keep it to myself.
4. I don't need to "buy into" whatever the project is. I will just do it as best I can because it's what is wanted. (see rule #1)
5. Complete it by the deadline.

Of course, you can expand on those in all different directions. But I think number one is the most important.

It's a really interesting place to work. Nothing like walking in in the morning under an SR-71 Blackbird. One of these days I'll take some photos of the museum, my office, etc. Maybe I'll do a little video. But maybe I'll wait until I learn my way around. I'm starting to get it - a little at a time - but there are still doors that I have no idea where they go.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed - probably past time, actually.

I know I've not been blogging the usual amount lately. I've not lost interest. I've just been a bit overwhelmed with various things - from learning a new job to accepting Matthew's death. Things will become more regular after a bit.
________________
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All text and photos on this website are copyright Patsy Terrell, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. None are to be used without permission. Thank you.

Quote of the Day

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive..."

Eleonora Duse
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A Brick of Business Cards

I had to share this with you because for some reason it strikes me as funny.

My new business cards came in a week or so ago. They came in this heavily reinforced box - a brick of cards. Although, I can't help but notice, this is more the size of 2-3 bricks, not one. Well, at least the bricks you use to build things with.

I'm not even sure how many cards are here, but it is definitely thousands. How many years it will take me to use this many cards? If x is number of days... and y is number of cards... then solve for... well, lets just say I'm on the hunt for people to give cards to. For any reason.

Consider yourself forewarned.
________________

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Summer Concert in the Park by Rudy Love and the Love Family Band

Doesn't that just look like summer? Only because it was. Greg took this photo last night as Greg, Sharon, Ann and I were watching a concert in the park



The free concert was the kick off to the Emancipation Day activities and featured Rudy Love and the Love Family Band. They're always doing something cool and interesting. Last year the big news was that Jay-Z had used some of their music in "American Gangta." This year Rudy Jr. had news that he has been working with the Wu-Tang Clan.



The Love family has a long history with big names in the music business and we're fortunate they live just down the road in Wichita and can be here to kick off the Emancipation Day Celebration.



I missed all of today's activities. I really needed a change of scenery and hit the road today. Maybe next year.
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I snapped this photo of Greg in his garden late yesterday. You can see he has some ripe tomatoes.

We decided to go to Arlington for dinner last night, to Carolyn's Essenhaus. It was really tasty - there was pie - what more needs be said?

After dinner we stopped on a country road to take some photos. Greg was looking for cicadas... I was just seeing what there was to see, which included this neat old fence post.



After stopping by Greg's garden, I went into my own to check on things. I have many tomatoes. And pumpkins. Lots of pumpkins. I don't know if they're still growing or if they're done or what. I guess I'll just see what happens with them.



It has been incredibly beautiful weather here for days - sunny, with moderate temperatures. Tonight it's getting down to 58 here. It's just unheard of, but I've decided it should be enjoyed as long as it lasts.
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Defining Moments

"At various points throughout life, we arrive at a crossroads, where our self-understanding and our understanding of the world around us are thrown into scrutiny.                               
Dr. Kevin Leman

I've always referred to these as "defining moments," when our idea of who we are and our place in the world is thrown into question.

They can come at the oddest of times, in seemingly innocuous circumstances. Yet, there it is - a moment that gives you reason to pause, to think, to consider, to rethink. On the other side of that, sometimes you come out a different person.

One of the things I've had on my "gonna do it at some point for my own good mental health" list for quite awhile is to list ten defining moments in life. I'm guessing there may be a pattern that emerges there. But, for reasons I can't explain I've never actually gotten around to making that list. I think it might start out with more than 10 and have to pared down. Not that there's any magic in 10. It could be 20 or three or seven.

What's reasonable? One per year of life? One for every five years of life? It's all arbitrary. But 10 seems like a good amount to see a pattern emerge.

I'll have to think about it some more, but I know at least a couple of things on my list would be:
1. Going to the University of Kentucky
2. Meeting Greg and being friends all these years
3. Traveling to Egypt alone

I'll think about it some more. Seems like an interesting exercise.
________________

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All text and photos on this website are copyright Patsy Terrell, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. None are to be used without permission. Thank you.

Crabby Patty

If you want to do a good deed without even leaving your house I've got a deal for you. A project of the Kansas Sampler Foundation is to encourage businesses in small towns that are hanging on, sometimes by a thread, to help provide services in their areas.

One such place is the a convenience store in Dexter, Kan. The proprietor is "Crabby Patty," who's less crabby now that folks from all over and sending her encouragement.

Here's the deal. If you can, stop by and spend $5 in the store. That's the perfect solution. But, if you can't just happen by Dexter, there's another plan. Drop a $5 bill in an envelope, along with a post it note, card or other encouragement and send it off in the mail.

The address is:
Crabby Patty
501 K-15 Hwy
Dexter KS 67038

Obviously, I've already done it. Now it's your turn. It's just one way you can do a good deed with little investment, time or trouble.
________________

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All text and photos on this website are copyright Patsy Terrell, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. None are to be used without permission. Thank you.

How I almost accidentally went to Dusseldorf

Matthew's wife has asked for stories about Matthew... I'm still working on mine, but here's a rough draft. Please be aware there is some language that might not be work appropriate.

A few years ago, Matthew and I went to Europe. The plan was to go to Paris, then from there to Belgium, Amsterdam and Luxemborg. Along the way we almost ended up in Dusseldorf, although we didn't make it to Luxemborg.

We had spent a few days in Paris and were headed to Amsterdam to connect with Jacob, who we had met in Honduras a few years earlier. Along the way we intended to spend a little time in Brussels. It's not that we had any business there, but it was on the way and somewhere we hadn't been - no better reason to go somewhere as far as we were concerned. We weren't sure when any of these things would happen - we were just traveling and finding the places where we would lay our heads as we went. 

So, we arrive at the train station in Paris, Eurail passes in hand, and procure our tickets for Brussels. The attendant tells us Platform 16. When she asks if we understand, Matthew pipes up and says, "Oh yes, my friend Patsy speaks perfect French." I shoot him a withering look and beg him to please stop lying to people. He has been perpetuating this lie for days, and no one believes him when they look at me, and with my eyes wide in fear I'm muttering, "un peu, un peu" and holding my fingers a millimeter apart to illustrate only a little French, a tiny bit.

We head to track 16, which I had understood, not to mention it was written on the tickets. We settle ourselves into a very nicely appointed train car. We toss our backpacks in the overhead racks and sink into the cushy seats, ready for what promises to be a luxurious ride into Belgium. We can't help but notice that everyone around us is dressed far better than we are. Not only are our backpacks unusual in the sea of leather briefcases, but all around us are men in suits and women in high heels. Not that that last one means anything in France because for reasons I don't understand French women's feet are made differently than ours and they can wear high heels 'round the clock, walking on cobblestone streets - nay, running, on uneven cobblestone streets - with no discomfort at all. Anyway, we're not feeling any embarrassment over our jeans and sneakers. We're on vacation, after all.

We're sitting there, playing with the trays like you see on airplanes, wondering if food is going to be served, when we become aware of someone beside us. I look up and there is this older French woman, perfectly coifed, in an elegant red skirt suit, designer handbag over her delicate wrist, speaking to us and holding her ticket. I look at her with what I'm sure was a deer-in-headlights look because I do not speak perfect French, despite what Matthew kept saying. Recognizing the look of yet another American who is incapable of learning a second language, she switches to flawless English and says, "I believe you're in my seat."

We fumble for our tickets - they're somewhere - maybe in the backpacks.

While we hunt, she says, "Are you going to Dusseldorf?"

We look at each other and then it dawns on us that Dusseldorf is in Germany, which was not on our original travel itinerary.

Trying desperately to maintain her composure, and brushing away a piece of lint with a perfectly manicured hand, she says politely, "This train is going to Germany."

Matthew and I begin to apologize to her profusely, although we're a bit unsure where we're supposed to go. Even I think my French is good enough to have heard "16," and it is written on the ticket. Isn't it?

"Where do you want to go," she asks.

"Brussels," I reply.

"The OTHER train is going to Belgium," she says.

"The other train? What other train? There's another train? Is this platform 16?"

"There are two trains on this track. You want the other train," she says as she motions behind us.

So, we get up, grab our backpacks and head out, thanking her all the while.

Her parting words were, "You must hurry."

And, let me tell you, she was right about that. We walked on down and sure enough there was another train. We were the last people on it. It started moving before we found seats.

One of the things I loved about traveling with Matthew is that if we had ended up in Dusseldorf, it would have been fine. We would have gone to see whatever there is to see in Dusseldorf, had some dinner, stayed for the night, maybe for a day or two, took in the sights, met some folks, and then proceeded with the rest of our trip.

I'm very choosy about travel partners and Matthew was a perfect one. He never got upset - even when his wallet was stolen in Paris on another trip. We just dealt with whatever crossed our paths - from lost luggage to machine gun toting "officials." We lived by the travel rule of always keep on your person three things - your passport, a credit card and some cash. Everything else you can leave behind if you need to get out fast.

But, alas, that was not the day for us to visit Dusseldorf. We arrived in Brussels that evening, and met a nice lady named Catherine at the visitor's center in the train station, who found us a nice second floor walk up room to stay in. When she mentioned the proprietor spoke no English, Matthew again piped up, "Oh, that's no problem, my friend, Patsy, speaks perfect French."

Other than his propensity to tell bald-faced lies like that, Matthew was a great travel partner. He told me once that he loved traveling with me because he always came home with some stories that start out, 'No shit... there we were...'" I thought it was HIM that was causing those stories to happen.

"No shit, there we were, on the edge of a volcano..."
"No shit, there we were, and this guy was telling us about how the 'lion et the lion tamer' in his circus... during the show..."
"No shit, there we were, and we saw the boat leaving shore..."
"No shit, there we were, and she says, 'oh, we don't have the 3 p.m. flight anymore - that plane crashed'..."
"No shit, there we were, and the guys says, 'oh, doesn't your friend live here? Her French is so good'..." (I still think Matthew put him up to that.)
"No shit, there we were, and I swear the guy says, 'be sure you get the hostage insurance before you leave'..."
"No shit, there we were, and we figure out the guy is a monk..."
"No shit, there we were, in El Salvador..."
"No shit, there we were, and there was this banging on the door. It's 4:35 a.m..."
"No shit, there we were, about to go to Dusseldorf by accident..."

I think it was the combination of the two of us that resulted in those stories. We always found people to talk to, wherever we were, even if we didn't speak the language. We met people in airports, busses, restaurants, piano bars and cathedrals. We had Italian food in almost every country we went to, but oddly enough never made it to Italy together. On our last flight together, coming home from Paris, we were talking about the next trip.

"I need something a bit more exotic," I said.

"How about Peru," Matthew asked.

"Maybe so," I said. "I just want something less 'antiseptic' next time."

"I know what you mean," he said. "This was great, but I want to get closer to the people."

"I want my next trip to involve negotiating with a goat herder for transportation at some point," I said.

Matthew leaned back, gazed off into the distance, smiled wistfully and said, "Yes, exactly... A goat herder, a chicken bus... something interesting..."

Unfortunately, we never got to take that trip. But if I ever do get to Dusseldorf, I'm going to drink a toast to Matthew and the trip that almost was.
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Hair Donation for Pantene Beautiful Lengths

I did it again - cut about 10 inches off my hair to donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. They only require 8 inches, which is why I chose them.



I first did this on Valentine's Day of 2008, so this is my second go 'round.

I still have plenty or hair left, or so people tell me. For me it seems short - I keep brushing after I've run out of hair. But it looks healthier after the serious trim, and someone will benefit from it. You can judge for yourself if it's short - below is the "after" photo.

Thanks to Greg for documenting the process again.
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Surrounded by Love

I attended Matthew's memorial service today and it was good to be surrounded by other people who loved him. It was held in First Presbyterian Church in Wichita, which is a stunning place and a fitting for a tribute to a man who loved beauty in all its forms.

Afterwards I spoke to his mother and her husband briefly, but didn't get a chance to talk with his dad. I also got to meet some family members I had heard Matthew talk about, but never met, which was nice. I also talked with Kim, who I'd only "met" on facebook during the past few days. Even in death, Matthew is connecting people.

I saw Lora, Matthew's wife, as soon as we walked in the door today. Even though she was no doubt overwhelmed, she came over to give me a hug. It felt good to connect with her in person. I was incredibly touched that after the service, at the reception, she asked if I'd like to go to Honduras with her to spread some of Matthew's ashes. Of course, I would be honored to do that.

Grief is not something that ends for me. I still grieve for Mama, for Pat, for my Aunt LaVerne who died more than 25 years ago, and for others who are gone. Grief just settles into my being, finding a place in my heart as one way of remembering, of celebrating, of appreciating the life shared with that person. So, I've made a place in my heart for Matthew, where he'll live on in happy memories, bittersweet only because we can't make new ones together.
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Where a Dream became Real

I'm sitting in a booth at McPherson's Main Street Deli. It's the exact spot where Matthew and I sat some years ago and plotted out the Global Development Foundation on a napkin.

GDF was his brainchild, to do relief work in Honduras. He wanted to talk with me about it and on the spur of the moment we drove up to McPherson to get a sandwich. We talked and got excited by the possibilities.

I took a napkin and started writing down the names as we brainstormed. By the end of the night we had the name, a rough logo and the tag line of "We Change the World." The logo would say that in French and Spanish as well as English. And we had a mission - to do sustainable work. I would be the chair of the board and he would be the Executive Director. Somehow, over sandwiches and soup, it became real instead of just a thought. It took shape. And it "became," because Matthew made it happen. The next week I designed the logo and Matthew made business cards, and never looked back.

I don't remember when that was. But I remember the night. And I remember the conversation.

Like we all are at that stage of life, he was questioning what he should do, and what he could do. Only fools are overly confident in themselves at that stage of life, and Matthew was no fool.

At one point he asked me, "What if I fail?" I responded, "What if you do? If you really live life you're going to fail at things. You learn. You go on. You do better."  It was not wisdom talking, just experience. I was older than Matthew and had screwed up more than a few things by that point. (And more since.)

Matthew said he thought it was the right time for him to do something like move to Honduras to do relief work. He was young, about to graduate, and had nothing to prevent him from going.

He was worried that his mom would be disappointed by him not going on to graduate school. I assured him no mother would be upset by a son who wanted to truly do good works in the world. And not that I'm authorized to speak for his mother, but I'm confident she was proud of Matthew and his accomplishments, and he knew that.

And, of course, Matthew did go on to graduate school, after he lived in Honduras for awhile. He was there after Hurricane Mitch. He connected people and resources and accomplished much. When he and I went down there in 1999 it was easy to see that Matthew had made many friends in Honduras.

When we went to the clinic in El Ocotillo that the Global Development Foundation had helped establish, I was in awe. To say it was inspiring would be an understatment. I was honored to have had a tiny role in the whole thing, and it was tiny. It was Matthew and his force of personality that made it all happen.

What can you say about such an experience? Well, people are alive who would not be if Matthew Thompson hadn't touched their lives. You can say that with absolute certainty. Even in death, he was still helping people as his organs were donated.

It's funny how life works out sometimes. Who would have thought that a girl from rural Kentucky would be sitting in a deli in McPherson, Kansas having a conversation that would lead her to witness miracles in El Ocotillo, Honduras?

So, now, the night before Matthew's funeral, I've come to have a sandwich as my way to commemorate the work of the Global Development Foundation, which was an extention of Matthew. Yes, it was short lived. Yes, we didn't know what we were doing. Yes, we made some mistakes. But, Matthew did some good. Some serious good. Despite all that. And that clinic is still going strong - sustainable -  because of Lisa, who got there because of Matthew. I guess it's all the circle of life in many different ways.

A couple of years ago, Matthew told me he still had that napkin. I know it was because it was a turning point in his life - when something became more than a dream, because he had the courage to let it be.

So tonight, the evening before his funeral, I celebrate Matthew's life in a way maybe only I can. I feel priveledged to have been present at the birth of something so important. I'm thankful Matthew allowed me to bear witness.

Rest in Peace Matthew Thompson

If you're a lucky person, at some point you develop a relationship with someone who burns brightly in your life. You share a passion for life that may not be understood by others. For me, one of those people was my dear friend, Matthew.

Together we sought the labyrinth at Chartes and we walked the red light district of Amsterdam.We baked in the Honduran sun and we hunched against the cold wind at the Eiffel Tower. We hiked the Guatemalan jungle and marveled at the ancient footprints in Managua, Nicaragua. We laughed at the airport in El Salvador and at the train station in Brussels. We took trains, planes, automobiles, subways, taxis, trams and busses.

Inbetween we lay awake deep into the night and talked about things never spoken aloud except by travelers in hotel rooms in foreign lands. It was Matthew who looked into my being and stated the obvious that had been overlooked by everyone else. We bought matching jewelry to commemorate coming through difficult times and picked up rocks to remember happy times. We shared each other's joys and kept each other's secrets. I was never sure if either of us was traveling to find something or to forget something, or if it mattered.

Then a few years ago, life's journey brought Matthew to a place where he found something he wanted to stay still for - seminary and the boat he loved, and we didn't travel together anymore although we stayed in contact. Then about a year ago he married long time friend, Lora, and they have been on a journey together that seemed a happy one.

Matthew embarked on a new journey today as he passed from this world. I am so thankful for the time I shared in his bright light.
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It's Pumpkins

Today I went to the backyard and noticed the mass of pumpkin vines was not as big as it was when I was out there a few days ago. It was about 2/3 the size, and some leaves had turned brown. As I approached, I saw what these leaves had now revealed - pumpkins!

I'm not sure what I expected underneath the pumpkin vines, but there are pumpkins. I expected those eventually, but not yet. I have some that are orange, some green and some inbetween. I do not, however, have any watermelons or cantalopes, which I had planted in the same area. I guess this is survival of the fittest in action.

I'm not sure they will last until Halloween, which is why I planted pumpkins. I guess I'll just leave them be and see what happens. That's sort of my approach to gardening in a nutshell - put it in, give it some water and hope for the best.

Today was pretty nice here so I got the lawn mowed and took care of some other outside things. Unfortunately, those things never seem to get done either - just like housework. It's hard to get motivated to do them over and over again.

I could use one more weekend day to get things done. But, tomorrow will be a fun day at work. It's the 40th anniversary of the moon landing and we have a full day's worth of activities planned to commemorate the occasion. So, it will be interesting.
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Feeling Anti-social

I am feeling a bit anti-social these days. I'm not sure why, but I am. It has been going on for a little while now, and has reached its zenith the last few days.

I'm delighted to respond positively to people who seek me out, but I just can't be the one doing the arranging right now. I think part of it is that I just don't have the extra energy to put into relationships. It will return, I'm sure, but for the moment I just can't create opportunities.

I haven't had a day since I had surgery that I haven't been in pain to some degree and it's exhausting. It has been almost six months and it's getting really old. It's not intense pain, just minor, but it hasn't gone away completely. Most days it's very low-level, some days it's much more intense. There's a direct correlation between how active I am and how intense it is. It seems almost muscular, only in my pelvis. I had a CT scan Friday so hopefully I'll know more next week. I don't think it's anything serious at all, and it may just be healing time, but it is wearing me out.

I don't discuss such things much - it's not very interesting conversation, and there's nothing anyone can do for it anyway. But it becomes an issue when people pressure me to do things that I know will cause me pain. Maybe that's another reason I'm just doing more avoiding. I don't want to have to explain that I can't go do something that's going to involve me getting in and out of the car three dozen times or I'll really be hurting. I can't drive for long distances because being bent over like that causes pain. I'm missing my high school reunion this weekend because I just couldn't drive that far. I can't stand for long periods on concrete - like for shopping - without being in pain. So, I am judicious when doing those things.

I've also learned to compensate. When I'm having people over I stretch the preparations out. I pick up the house one night, or maybe two, because bending hurts; I wash the dishes and set them out another night; I bake another night; I pick flowers that morning so all I have to do that night after work is get the drinks made and the food put on plates. I've been doing it this way for months. I keep thinking it will get easier, and I'm sure it will, but I need to call a halt to such things until it is better, instead of believing by the next thing I have scheduled it will be normal.

Of course, it's always worth the effort to sit and enjoy time with friends when they're gathered around. But I think I'm going to have to put plans on hold for other events  I've been thinking about until I feel more normal. I'm limiting my social activities other than going out to dinner or something like that, to things I can easily accomplish.

I'm starting to be concerned I'm not going to be able to do Christmas the way I love to do it. It will break my heart a little bit if I can't celebrate that way this year when I have so much to be thankful for, but whatever will be, will be. At this point doing Christmas decorating the way I love it would require a lot of help from other people to get it set up and broken down, and I just can't ask that. I had to have help breaking it down this year - I don't know what I would have done without Greg, Barbara and Cleta.

This year - at least the first half of it - has required much of me and my mental state. Some of that is very positive - learning the new job for example. And some was much more taxing, but required me to move past it quickly to keep a positive attitude. I remember one January day turning onto A Street from Poplar, watching the snow fall, and thinking it might be the last time I would ever see snow. It was one of only two times I broke down between diagnosis and surgery. The other was one night in my office, when I could see Greg in the living room. I knew he was reading all he could about ovarian cancer, and I knew how much of a toll my situation was taking on him.

I haven't even had a chance to grieve the losses of this year yet. I'm afraid to even think about it too much, lest I get stuck in a downward spiral. I've just tried to focus on the positives, which are numerous.

Maybe the most important thing for me to remember going into the last half of the year is to not borrow sorrow from tomorrow.
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Rest in Peace Walter Cronkite

I grew up with Walter Cronkite. From the time I can remember he was there every night. He retired when I was studying journalism in college. We all watched his last broadcast. It was a milestone.

A couple of years later, some friends were in Florida on spring break and bumped into him. They came back to school with stories of how wonderful he was - charming, pleasant and encouraging to those budding journalists. It's always great to learn one of your icons is worthy of your hero-worship.

Cronkite's defining moments as an anchor were when JFK died, when we landed on the moon, and when he was one of the reasons we left Vietnam. I was too young to remember JFK's death but have seen that footage many times. I was still young enough at the moon landing that I don't remember that specific moment with Cronkite, but have seen it replayed many times. I was too young to understand Vietnam and all that it meant.

But, I remember Walter Cronkite. And I always will.
________________

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Whirlwind of Activity

Last night I went to see Ellen Goodman speak in Lindsborg. She was there as part of the Women's Attorneys in Kansas Group. I would have completely missed it if Kris hadn't mentioned it to me.

Her speech was mostly about the role of women and how it has changed over the years. She writes about that extensively.

My favorite of her books is "I know just what you mean" about her relationship with her best friend. I wish I had thought to take my copy and have her sign it but I didn't. Pity because there was plenty of time to do that.

I saw Trish there but just visited with her briefly. Obviously, when you're in a group like that you want to visit with the folks you don't get to see but once a year, so I didn't want to monopolize her time.

The last week or so has been busy.

Last Friday, astronaut and moonwalker, Charlie Duke was at the Cosmosphere for a presentation. He was supposed to be there for a 4:15 press conference, and then do the evening events. But, his flight was delayed.

Yes, I know, ironic that an astronaut was waiting on a flight. NASA can get him to the moon and back safely, and the airlines can't get him from Dallas to Wichita on time.

But, the press conference went on anyway.

We had a good turn out and I was thankful because I had spent most of my time working on those sorts of things.

He was at a reception and then spoke to a large group. Afterwards he signed books and other items for folks.

It was a good day/night, but a long one for me. I went to work about 7:30 that morning and by the time the day was done and a few of us had gotten some food it was after midnight.But a lot was accomplished.

Yesterday morning was Coffee at the Cosmosphere. Chris does this every month on the third Thursday. There's a different topic each time, and they show artifacts that illustrate the story. People get a chance to come up afterwards and look at them up close.

Yesterday's topic was the Apollo 11 Moon Landing, because the 40th anniversary of them landing is on Monday. They launched on the 16th, so it was perfect timing for the regular Thursday event.

 

Chris is very comfortable talking to groups and the media, and is very articulate off the cuff - in short he's a PR person's dream. Yesterday he did the coffee. Today he did a TV interview. Monday he'll do a radio interview. I love it that he's so willing to jump right in.

I haven't gotten around to sharing photos of space journalist Andrew Chaikin or astronuat Joe Engle, who were here earlier.

Andrew Chaikin has authored multiple books about the space program. He was a really personable guy, and you could tell he truly loves his work.



I enjoyed meeting him a great deal.

Just a few days later, we hosted Astronaut Joe Engle. He was the grand marshal in the Fourth of July parade, and the night before he spoke to a very large crowd. It was great to see so many folks who came out to enjoy his presentation.



I, unfortunately, did not get to hear a word he said. There were lots of folks and not another square inch of space for me to stand in. Plus, we were busy preparing for the signing afterwards. But it was great to see so many folks out.  Greg took this photo, as well as the one of Chaikin.

Meanwhile, life away from work and events is going on and has its up and downs. I guess it's that way for everyone.
________________

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Finding a Way Through

Coming home tonight I was treated to a rainbow stretching across the sky. By the time I was able to get a photo of it, it was all gone but a little slice. Nonetheless, it's a beautiful sight.

I am witness these days to some things that break my heart, but that I am powerless to change.

One is a situation where someone just doesn't have the experience or knowledge to negotiate a political difficulty. Within that dynamic I recognize someone who's acting from a mixture of too much insecurity and too little awareness. The result is not pleasant. It's painful to watch but there is nothing that can stop the inevitable conclusion of this scenario.

I feel for those involved because I've been every one of them at one time or another. I've been the insecure person acting far more confident than I felt, and coming off harsh, because no one could see beyond the exterior. I've been the one caught in the wake of that, who isn't necessarily making perfect choices, but would probably be doing better left to my own devices if I were motivated enough, which remains a big question. I've also been the one along for the ride, seeing where it was going to go - never committing enough that I had anything serious at risk, but hoping I'd gather some crumbs if things went well.

None of those is a good place to be, but it seems we all have to live in every one of those spaces for awhile.Once things are set into motion there isn't much stopping it. And these aren't lessons you can learn except by slogging through them..

Actually, I think you can learn them but it requires being born into a situation where you can benefit from the experience of someone you love dearly, who is using their hard fought for knowledge by facing the same situation over and over again and conquering it because they've learned from their earlier circumstances. Few of us have that opportunity, because most people just find a way out, not a way through.

I've done both in my life - found a way out and found a way through. I can't say one is better than the other. Sometimes it's worthwhile to find a way through and learn the life lesson being taught. Sometimes the life lesson is to get out.

I've been the recipient of much grace while existing in similar circumstances and will be forever grateful. Perhaps this is my chance to repay that and extend understanding. If only I knew how to do that.
________________

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Quote of the Day

"The story - from Rumplestiltskin to 'War and Peace' - is one of the basic tools invented by the human mind for the purpose of understanding.

There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories."
                                                                    Ursula K. Le Guin
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Devotion to a Cause

I'm searching for the word or phrase that describes the phenomenon where someone is devoted to one particular cause or viewpoint, and that everything they say/do relates to it. What would that be called?

For example, someone could say, "it's a beautiful day." And the person devoted to their cause - positive or negative - would say, "yes, it's a pity that people who are homeless/fundamentalist/gay/sexually abused/poor/democrats/women/fill-in-the-blank can't ever enjoy a beautiful day because of their persecution/trauma/difficulties/thought processes/fill-in-the-blank."

It's not that I am unfeeling for the plight of the less fortunate, or don't want everyone to have a fair shake in this world. I think anyone who knows me would say I'm pretty compassionate. But I can't have it be the overriding, driving force every moment of every day. And I can't have it be every interaction I have with someone.

Sometimes I just don't always agree that there's a problem. For example, I've been in the work force for a long time and I can't say being a woman has ever been an issue. I get that it was. I get that I'm to be thankful for those who came before me, and I am, but progress means to move on - to go beyond. Can we please move on now? Please? I don't want to forget. I just want to move ahead without being weighed down by having to drag the past along behind me every moment of every day.

I find myself not wanting to engage with people who have a "cause," because everything you say/do is a minefield. You can't even exchange pleasantries about the weather without having the connection between the rain and the narrow mindedness of the world with regard to rain pointed out to you. I can make up my own mind, thank you very much.

Although I know it's hard for people to fathom, just because I'm a liberal does not mean I think all republicans are evil. I can be pro choice and think of abortion as an abomination at the same time. I can feel for the abused without believing it wise to identify yourself as a "survivor." I do not believe all fundamentalists are small minded, narrow thinkers. I do not believe liberal thinkers have it all figured out. People are far more complex than to be boiled down to only one viewpoint. Except, it seems, for people who are devoted to their "cause," whatever it may be.

At the same time, I recognize this is a wonderful quality to have in an activist. I applaud the efforts, but I don't want to be involved. And this is something I think people don't get. Your blind devotion to your cause - to the exclusion of all else, making every interaction about your cause - makes me want to run away. And I'm not the only one. If I don't want to engage with you on any level, so it's going to be hard to convince me of your viewpoint.

I also always have the feeling that because I'm not willing to be actively involved in whatever the cause is means I'm viewed as an inferior, unfeeling, unintelligent human being. I just don't need that in my life.
________________

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Looking Out My Back Door

This spring I decided to kill lots of the grass in my backyard so I could plant more flowers and veggies and herbs. I hate mowing the grass, so it seemed like a good thing to do - less grass, more goodies.



So, between my house and garage is largely plants. The mass of green in the middle is pumpkin vines. The flowers are to the left, the herbs to the right, and tomatoes all across the back and behind the herbs.



I've never grown pumpkins before - they are prolific!



I'm hoping more viney things grow up on the fence yet.



For the first time ever I have enough flowers to pick to bring in and have fresh flowers inside all the time. I've been taking some to the office every week to brighten it up in there.



Sharon gave me those salmon colored zinnas, but I grew almost all of these flowers from seed. I'm quite proud of myself for that. I love the verbena and zinnas for cut flowers. The salvia doesn't work well, unfortunately. It wilts almost immediately. But it looks nice in the garden.

I love the hodge-podge, everything growing in a pile, look.
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Epiphanies Come At the Oddest Times

I have had a very relaxed day, which I needed. It seems the last 6-8 weeks I've not had any time when I wasn't rushed for one reason or another. I even took a nap today - something almost unheard of for me. Maybe once a year I take a nap.

One of the things I did accomplish today was putting together more of the kitchen from washing everything in the cabinets and drawers. I had a little epiphany while I was putting the silverware away. One of the reasons I don't find time for housework sorts of things is that I don't think of them as very productive. They are never done. You just have to keep doing them over and over and over again. The same things. To no end.

I've always wondered what the deal is with me and housework because, frankly, I don't mind the actual work at all. That's not the problem. Actually, I kind of enjoy some parts of it - it has a beginning, middle and end, and you can see progress. But I mind the time it takes. That seems to be a theme for my life - I don't mind the work, but I mind the time.

Why is that? Well, I think of time as very, very precious. A truly vanishing commodity as each moment lived is a moment less we have to experience.

I'm almost always doing something - generally something productive - at least in my sense of what's productive. But, I never just sit around and "relax." I'm not even sure what that means. To me it sounds like another word for doing nothing, which means you would be producing nothing.

I do understand the idea of having to have time to think. But when I'm doing that I generally have a pen and paper at hand so I can write down ideas that pop up. Or I do that when I'm driving. I'm also fortunate that the way my brain works I can have a whole track devoted to thinking about various things while I'm doing something else.

There are things I love to do that I simply don't allow myself a lot of time for. I love to take long baths, but never do unless I have something to read or write that I can do while in there soaking. I love to bake, but rarely do unless I'm having guests. Maybe now that I have coworkers again I can take baked goods into the office.



At the same time, I love it when my house is tidy - I just don't love it enough to spend the time to make it that way. Once a year at Christmas I have things pretty clean. Of course, the time I spend doing Christmas is something many people would consider not very productive. But it feeds my soul, and that is a necessity.
________________

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The day

I worked from 8 this morning until about 10:30 tonight, with no break. But, it was a successful day.

We had astronaut Charlie Duke in for a members only presentation. There was a press conference at 4:15, then a reception at 6:30 and a presentation at 7:30.

Unfortunately, they cancelled his flight and he didn't arrive in Wichita until 5. So, he wasn't there for the press conference, but made the other events. It was a frantic day for me, but things went well. He was charming and funny and gracious.

Afterwards, a few of us went out to get some dinner and I'm just now home. And not long out of the bed. I'm a tired pup, but excited by some possibilities that opened up tonight. I'll write more... after I sleep for a bit.
________________

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