Tenderness

Some days what I most need is a little tenderness in my life - a little extra kindness - not because anything startling is wrong, but because nothing is quite right, either. Today was one of those days.

This time of year, as my mother's birthday approaches, followed quickly by the date of her death, I'm always a little off kilter, a little out of step, a little unsure of myself. There is nothing for anyone to say that will change it. It can't be "fixed." It just is. It can only be lived with.

But if I've been short with you, or out of sorts, or distant, or anything else that seems amiss, just know I'm struggling with my own demons this time of year. I crumble and I reassemble, and just like anything that's put back together I'm a little stronger every time.

When one is in this state of teetering on the edge, the simplest thing can push you one way or the other. I'm blessed that most of the time I'm incredibly happy. I go through my days knowing I lead a charmed existence, blessed by family and friends, with more good fortune than the average person has a right to. And I am grateful. Oh so very grateful for this state of grace, for I know how precarious it is. One small decision here or there could have created a different outcome.

Some people can look pain in the heart and some can only look away. I've done both. I understand both. I'm not asking you to look at it with me. If you can, that's fabulous. But I don't expect that of anyone. I'm just asking you to accept me while I look at it, as best I can, with the hope of diminishing it.

So, I beg from you a little extra kindness, understanding even if you don't, some gentle words, forgiveness, and - if you can spare it - a little tenderness.

David Vidal at Third Thursday Art Walk in Hutchinson Kansas

Tonight was the Third Thursday art and music walk downtown. I was working on projects but thought I'd pop down for a bit. Then I kept seeing so many posts on Facebook about David Vidal, the musician playing at Smith's Market, that I decided I had to go down and hear him. I'm so glad I did.

David Vidal lives in California, but made a stop in Hutchinson tonight to play at Third Thursday. He was amazing! He plays his own style of blues/Americana in a unique way. Yes, that is a shot glass in his hand.



I can't say enough wonderful things about him. If you want to hear music that tells the truth of pain and of joy, you want to hear David Vidal. His voice, guitar, and style transport you to another place. Don't miss him if he's anywhere in your area.

Ordinarily on Third Thursday I end up visiting with people and never leave the first place I go. Generally, that's Gallery 7, but I'm glad I varied the pattern tonight and went to Smith's. I could not tear myself away from Mr. Vidal. Really wonderful music.



He's playing Friday night at Jillian's Italian Restaurant before he leaves for other engagements. I'm sure it will be wonderful.

One of the things I love about Third Thursday is this sort of thing - David Vidal, formerly at the Viper Room in Hollywood, now in downtown Hutchinson. Thank you, Jennifer Randall, for making such wonderful things happen.


Going to Third Thursday always makes me want to be in my art studio. Wish I could find more hours in the days and nights.

You Just Have To...

You just have to like a guy who automatically flops down on the garage floor to play with the cat. And has a system for retrieving toys the cats have knocked under one thing or another.

Talbot the kitty is a love. He plays and purrs. What more can you ask from a kitty?

Welcome Burden

I was listening to a podcast today and heard James Johnson talking about his father carrying him to a duck blind when he couldn't walk because of a cast on his leg. He said he learned he was a "welcome burden" that day.

That phrase just struck me - "welcome burden." Isn't that what we all want in our lives - people who will welcome us, even when we are a burden?

At times each of us, for one reason or another, often beyond our control, is a burden. We all need to know there are some people in our worlds who will accept us and our burdens without hesitation. That they're ready to be at our sides, regardless of the difficulty involved, helping to carry our burdens.

By the same token, there are times we are willing - even eager - to help others carry their burdens. It doesn't feel like a burden, but an opportunity.

Those relationships are rare. If you have one or two of them in your life, be grateful and go to sleep tonight knowing you are blessed.

Hear the original recording at: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/12980/

The Day

Today was the first day I've spent much time in the office in a few days and it was a bit wild. But, we all survived it and I think nothing bad happened to anyone. So, all in all a good day, but a busy one.

I got my pitch assignment for the writer's conference today. Essentially, I get a few minutes with a New York editor, to "pitch" them a book. The goal is for them to say, "send it." It has to be something that's complete, so I'm pitching a small gift book I've written. Even if they aren't interested in this book, I figure it will be good experience for the future.

Of course, all of this as it seems self-publishing is gaining in popularity all the time. But, I feel the need to explore options. I'm incredibly fortunate to have this opportunity, and I want to make the most of it.

I'm considering making my Kansas Country Living columns available through Kindle, year by year. I've been intending to make a book for years now, and got their permission, but have never done it.

It seems this might be a good option since Kindle books are available on Kindles, computers and smart phones. Then when people ask me about something they could simply go buy the book and have their own copy. If I ever get a little time, I'm going to experiment with one year and see how it goes.

That's one of those projects that would be perfect to do on a weekend away. When I was in Ramona I was struck by how much focus one can achieve when removed from all the trappings of daily life. Whatever needs doing in your house is not available for you to do so there's no point thinking about it. That frees you up to think about other projects. Of course, there are always so many projects on my plate it's hard to focus on just one of them. But, finding those blocks of time is something I must do.

I'm thankful I have so many ideas I want to bring to fruition. But, I also know I need to have time to let my brain rest a bit. It's restorative to have time when I'm not working on any of my various projects. It's just hard for me to be in my house and not be doing something. But I also need to find blocks of time for relaxing.

I'm sure it will all work out nicely. It always does.

Many interesting things are going on in my life. It's a fun time, waiting to see what happens next.

Lovely, Dark and Deep

Last night we were treated to a beautiful orange moon - full, or nearly full. I was fortunate enough to be out in the country, so had a lovely view. It was a memorable evening.




As we were walking in this area I couldn't help but be reminded of the Robert Frost poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening," that includes the lines:

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Frost said he wrote the entire poem in one evening. I read that Frost was asked what he meant by repeating the last line. He replied he just couldn't think of anything else to put there. I don't know if that's true, but it seems plausible.

Life is like that sometimes. You just can't think of anything else to do so you repeat what you've done before. Of course, if that didn't end well, it's best to work harder to come up with a different idea.

This seems like valuable advice in my life at the moment. I'm going to try and heed it.

You've Always Had It

I am feeling more myself these days. My true self. I have been a shadow of myself for a few years now. There were glimmers of "me," but they would quickly disappear into the background again, swallowed by difficulties of one sort or another.

Life piled onto me, with more than I could juggle. I have been buried in things, confusion, disorientation, and sameness - in avalanches, as one after another, rolled over me. As soon as I dug myself out of one, something else would occur. Because I had let "me" go I didn't have the right coping mechanisms.

Grief overtook my life, and colored every moment of it. I was grieving for lost loved ones and friends, and also for a life I was leaving behind, an innocence that could never be recaptured, for losses no one could understand except me. And I wasn't examining them enough to understand them. But, finally, just like the witch told Dorothy - I now realize I've had the secret all the time - I always had the power.

It was me who left that life where I gave into my whims, took leaps of faith and jumped without a net. I left, seeking a safer existence. My life has been waiting for me to come back. Finally I have beaten back the tidal waves of sadness and am finding "me" again. It has been a long time coming.

It's hard to look for yourself when you know the person you're trying to recapture had some less than savory characteristics. But, eventually, not being who you are is more difficult than dealing with the realities of you. And, you realize that only when you're fully living your own truth can you withstand the buffeting that life brings.

It's not like this is news to me. I've always known it. But, I could see that others do not suffer the same difficulties being "them" as I do being "me" and thought I'd try to mold myself into something different. Somewhere along the way, I realized that is not the life I want.

It is not for everyone the existence I crave, to have experiences sometimes for the sheer enjoyment of having been there and done that, of having met someone along the way, of changing my perspective in some way. And while it is not for everyone, it is for me. I want every moment to be alive with the possibilites of life.

I have always lived life fully, head on, at 110 mph. When you hit a brick wall at that speed it really hurts. So I decided I would give it a go at a more moderate pace. What I've discovered is that while it hurts less when you hit the brick wall that there's no intensity to offset it. So you just go from "blah" in your daily life to "ow." I'd rather have "oh my!" in my daily life and accept the "ouch!" when it happens. Moderation doesn't seem to be my speed.

Finally, I'm finding the "me" who welcomes the world, soaks it up, revels in it, and gives my own energy back to it. I have been stingy with myself the last few years. I always felt the need to pull back, to not overwhelm those around me, to not be "too much."

But, you know what, I just am "too much." It's who I am. And to not be who I am is harming me. So, people will just have to take me or leave me.

If you have to leave me, I wish you nothing but the best. I thank you for sharing the path with me. I understand if you can't be in my world that spins at a different rate. I get it. I really do. It's disorienting when the world isn't moving at your speed. But I have to live in this world. Fully. No holds barred. I'm an "all in" kind of girl. And I just can't make it work for me any other way. I know that's not for everyone. And I respect your path. But, for my sanity, it has to be all the way for me. I'll take my lumps full force. And I'll take my pleasures the same way. I'm just praying for more of the latter than the former.

I'm reminded of a conversation with my dear friend, Fran, on the back porch of her garage apartment in Lexington when I was telling her she had to be careful of her own power. She was not existing fully in the world and as a result that power was being turned on herself and it was destroying her from the inside out.

I've been doing the same thing for awhile, not with power, but with control. For the comfort of others, who I so desperately needed, I have limited myself in some ways. Others, who know me so well, have been wondering where I've been. I am trusting the people I need will be with me as I go forward. Trust is all one can have at this stage.

I'm back. Full force, full on. Finally. I'm back.

No apologies for who I've been and where I've come from. Have I made some unwise choices? You bet. Do I regret them? Hell no.

I have fought hard in this lifetime for sanity. It has been a slippery slope at times, but the way I always made it through was just to keep on going, no stops, no faltering, just keep moving. I walked upright, head held high, through some things that have brought others to their knees. I'm grateful for it. So grateful.

But other things have made me crumble. In the last few years I have been crawling. Still moving, but crawling. I've had my head tucked down, dodging what might come next. It's no way to live. So, arms wide, I'm taking life in again. Hopefully I can keep the best of all these modes.

I almost gave up on myself. But just in the nick of time I'm reentering my own life. You would have been hard pressed to find the woman who went to Egypt by herself in the person I've been recently. I've been too afraid for years. Afraid of everything.

Living to avoid what you fear instead of seeking what you want is a pathetic way to live. And it's the place I find myself. Or did until recently, anyway.

I'm the girl who collects antique linens and treasures her mother's dining room table. I'm also the girl who has dressed in red and taken the stage. I know I'm a study in contrasts but I cannot suppress the parts of me that aren't necessarily "appropriate" in all circumstances. So, I'm saying now, just look away - or drift away if you must - but I cannot be this shell of myself anymore.

Finally I'm feeling more normal. And my normal is intense. I know some feel I am "too intense" and that it "takes a lot of energy to be around me." I get it. I really do. And if you can't stand to be with me anymore, I understand. But, I cannot suppress my true nature. It is killing the real me.

There's a reason one of my favorite quotes is by Zola - "I am here to live outloud." And I am.

Quote of the Day

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that what have you had?
Henry James

Time

When I was on retreat I took time to sit on the porch and sip tea. I gave myself one full day off - to just relax. It's the first day off I've given myself in over a year, when I wasn't thinking about things I had to do or needed to do.

But, even on retreat, I spent the day working on my novel. Of course, I really love having time to write and that has been in very short supply. But I still wasn't relaxing in the traditional sense of doing nothing.

I wonder how people "relax." I guess I don't fully understand the concept. I want to accomplish something with my time on Earth, so I feel the need to be doing something all the time in order to make the most of my time here.

I've always felt time is limited. There isn't enough of it for me to create everything I want to make. If I lived to be 400 there wouldn't be enough time and that's not likely to happen. So, I feel compelled to do as much as possible with the time I do have.

That said, I realize there's wisdom to be found in stillness. I meditate regularly. I think. I ponder. I listen.

As with everything, it's finding the balance.

Retreat Collage

When we were on retreat recently one of the things we did was a collage. I decided I'd share mine, as I have in the past.

This is much smaller - it was made with a file folder as a backing, although I obviously went beyond those borders. Once you get the knack of reading these, they're quite amazing in what they reveal.

They're yet another example of what people say when they don't know they're saying anything. But if you're willing to open yourself to the process it can be enlightening.

A few days ago I showed it to some friends and they pointed out things that hadn't come up before. Always interesting.

Life is about the Details

I'm reminded again and again that life is all about the details. Walking into a B and B and finding a miniature covered pedestal plate with cookies stacked inside gave me an instant homey feel.

Maybe it was the cookies, maybe the miniature container, or maybe it was the care.

Knowing that someone did a little something extra, something they didn't have to do, that no one would have missed, always makes a person feel loved. It's that little extra, the thing most people wouldn't think about, that makes all the difference.

I discovered this many years ago, through observation and reading books by authors like Alexandra Stoddard. I try to find ways to give this little something extra to those I interact with. I'm more successful some days than others. I guess we all are.

A New Home for Beautiful Vintage Things

I came home from a very, very, very long day to discover a box tucked between my storm door and regular door. Inside was a treasure trove of wonderful linens from LeeAnn. They're beautiful!

Some embroidered pieces,vintage tablecloths with incredible designs, some terrific hankies and a crocheted doily with a pineapple pattern - one of my very favorites.

Thank you, LeeAnn... I appreciate you thinking of me when you wanted to find a new home for these wonderful things. I will love them heartily for years to come!

TIV at Cosmosphere

The TIV will be at the Cosmosphere Monday from 10-7 with Marcus and Brandon from the show, Storm Chasers. They're in the movie, "Tornado Alley," we're showing at the moment.

This afternoon we connected with them to get some photos for publicity use tomorrow. The final thing we did was apply these signs.

Yes, I do have a cool job.

Serving Our Purpose

My friend, Hollie, sent me a note in Facebook the other day and asked if I'd like these cards. They're ones her parents received when she was born. She is in a process of clearing out and decided to let go of some of the cards her mom had kept from that time.

Of course, I was delighted to get them. I love the typefaces, the paper and the colors. The one on the right with the gold is felted.
They're a definite time capsule and something I love having around. Maybe some will find their way into artwork. Maybe they'll just be admired on occasion.
But they're a reminder that Hollie was thinking of me - just as the friends of her parents were thinking of them when she was born. It's as if these cards have gotten to serve their purpose twice in this lifetime already. Who knows, maybe they'll get yet another opportunity.

Imagine if we all got the chance to do that? To serve our purpose at multiple times.

Taste of Home Show

I helped with the Taste of Home show today. I've done it a few times before and it's always interesting.
This year our culinary expert was Guy, and he was fabulous. He was so fun and funny.

He made the day fun. We go in the morning and prep everything, then help during the show. It's quite an amazing process to see it all come together. There's a system for everything, but he was really easy going and everything worked perfectly.

 

Everything gets measured and prepped in the morning so the show is just like TV food shows where things magically seem to happen quickly.

The reason it happens quickly during the show is that six people spent four hours each prepping. So, lest you thought chefs had some secrets they weren't sharing, rest assured, it's much the same as it is for you and me.

I was glad I got to go. I'm a tired, tired, tired girl, but it was fun.

Awake

Every once in awhile, in a conversation with a friend, I get some insight into myself I didn't have before. That happened tonight with Teresa. We talked for hours and at one point she said, "You are very awake."

She said it in the context of it being a natural state for me - to be up, wide-awake, energetic, enthused. I had been telling her that I'm starting to feel much more myself these days - more than I have since 2008. I'm feeling perkier and more intense - that is my normal self.

I've never thought of it in this context, but she's right. I'm very "awake," and as she put it, "living fully."

These insights are always welcome.

Retreat

I spent the last few days on retreat. The first couple of days and nights I was alone, then friends joined me Friday night.

I'm still processing all that happened. I'll have more to say about it, but at this point I'm still mulling it over.

Teresa and I talked for about three more hours after everyone else left and there were some amazing insights that came up in that time. I stayed another couple of hours after she left, just to contemplate while still in that space.

The weekend left me with many things to ponder. Some questions to ask and some answers to find.

Famous Cornbread

I recently bought an old recipe card file box. I love these things - the recipes, the handwriting, the weathered cards.
This was one I noted right away - "Dad's Famous Cornbread." I haven't had a chance to make it, but I love the fact that it looks well-worn. No doubt it was really meaningful to whoever took the time to write it off.
It's now safe with me, even if I never actually cook Dad's Famous Cornbread.

Quote of the Day

"I have long considered the creative impulse to be a visit - a thing of grace, perhaps, not commanded or owned as much as awaited, prepared for. A thing, also, of mystery."

- Loreena McKennitt - The Visit

Thanks

I've been writing cookbook reviews for a magazine for seventeen years. I've featured more than 200 cookbooks in that time, most of which were published in Kansas.

In those years, fewer than a dozen people have followed up with me afterwards, so I was delighted when I got this nice note from the owner of Winfield's College Hill Coffee. She thanked me for featuring her book, sent me a copy of her next book and a gift card for a visit. It was a lovely surprise.

Of course, when is it not wonderful to pull a handwritten note out of the mailbox. It's far too rare these days, but always a delight.

Quote of the Day

If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud.
                               - Emile Zola

Bright

I'm a fan of bright and cheery things, and springy yellow daffodils poking their heads up certainly qualify. Their season passes so quickly. But for the briefest of moments, they're the stars of the show. They herald the beginning of spring, even if they do so from a cover of snow at times.

Some of the daffodils are already dried up now, telling me it won't be too long before the heat will arrive. I'm not fond of summer. It's a demanding season, insisting we come out into the unpleasant heat for mowing and other nasty tasks.

So, for the moment, I'll enjoy the waning daffodils, even if I have to do it while bundled up against the wind and rain.

Carnival

Greg and I went to Metropolitan Coffee Sunday afternoon and watched the snow while we drank hot chocolate. It was a good way to spend some time. We had planned to go see a movie, but the snow was just too enticing. Mother Nature always puts on a better show.
While we were there, I was asking Greg for some help on a website redesign. I'm trying to think through if someone comes to my website, how do they find what they're looking for quickly and easily. I was trying to figure out how to write the "About me" section you would expect.
"I think of you as a carnival," Greg said.

He went on to say that you're walking down the midway, there's food on one side, games on the other. There's information booths, interesting speeches, the occasional high speed ride, always the bells and whistles.

I asked, "Is there cotton candy?"
"Always cotton candy," he said.

"Is it colorful?"
"There are more colors than are physically possible in the rainbow," he said.

He continued with, You're the carnival barker at all the booths, but you say something different when you see something bright and shiny. And when you go down the midway, all the stuffed animals are hanging up, but they're all yours. And there's glitter. Everywhere. Even on the people.

Greg was kind enough to not say it was "loud," but I suppose that's understood.

It's always interesting to see how others perceive you.

Times Change

This afternoon Michele and I were working on a project when we heard a noise down the hall.
Michele: "What is that weird noise?!?!?"
Patsy: "I don't know... it's... what..."
Michele: "Oh, wait... maybe it's a typewriter..."

French Knots as Life Metaphor

Southern girls learn to do handwork. It doesn't really matter if you have an aptitude for it or not, you learn some basics. You don't have to know everything, but you should know how to sew, crochet, knit or embroider - hopefully more than one of those.

My mother was not a fan of doing handwork, other than sewing, which she found practical and useful. However, she did teach me to embroider. I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying that I showed more interest in it than she did, even from the beginning.

My favorite thing was the French Knot. It requires a little bit of technique to make one, but it's very forgiving in the finished project. You wrap the thread around the needle a few times and then put it back through the fabric, leaving a nice little "lump" there.

As you can see from this piece I picked up at a garage sale recently, you can do beautiful things with this one technique. I love the pointillism effect of them gathered together.



It's somewhat unusual to find them on a vintage piece, especially in a quantity like this. French Knots have had an undeserved reputation of being very difficult.

You must remember people were learning to embroider before we had the internet with instructions and patterns for everything one might want to try just a few clicks away. Fortunately, Mama knew how to make French Knots and she taught me.



I was in love with them from the beginning. I'm not sure why, exactly, except that they seemed significant. With just a thin bit of thread and a needle as a tool, we were creating something more ample and beautiful than you would imagine possible looking at the raw components.

French Knots are substantial and yet delicate at the same time. That's a lovely metaphor for how I've always wanted to be as a person. French Knots have, no doubt, succeeded at blending those qualities far more than I ever have. But as Scarlet says, "Tomorrow is another day."

Indeed it is, Ms. O'Hara. And if I could spare the time I'd make a few French Knots.

Quote of the Day

If I had but two loaves of bread, 
I would sell one and buy hyacinths, 
for they would feed my soul.
                                                               -- Prophet Muhammad

Addicted to Complacency

I've been doing some planning for an upcoming retreat. Tonight I had a bit of a breakthrough and my copious notes coalesced into something succinct. It's now a workable plan. Some tweaking is needed, but the outline is there.

The various concepts have been brewing in my brain for a couple of years now. Recently I was talking to a friend about the ideas and she warned me people could be "addicted to complacency."

I'm not concerned about that with regard to this group, but I think it's really interesting to consider that statement. I think she is correct, that many people are complacent. It's an easy way to live, which is part of the appeal, no doubt. Really curious to think about.

101 Things (and more) About Me

On May 21, 2005 I first posted this online. It was going around the net at the time - 101 Things About Me. The idea was to generate a random, off the top of your head, list.

I went to look this up and thought I'd repost it because it's kind of fun. Some of it is still true, some of it no longer is. Some of it is very dated now - it is almost six years old, after all. A lot has changed in my life in the past six years. Different job, different outlook, different people in my world. I didn't make any edits - it's just reposted.

There is some mild "language," so if you're offended by such things, stop reading now.
1. I love old houses.

2. I came into this world knowing that time is not linear.

3. I am an incredibly loyal friend.

4. I "tell it like it is." Don't ask me a question if you don't want the answer.

5. I am the question person among my friends - always have a question.

6. I am happy most of the time.

7. I agree with my great grandmother Maranda Rose, who was gone long before I came along, who always ate dessert first because she said, "I might die and some other son of a bitch would get to eat it." It's a general philosophy of life - enjoy it. Now.

8. I have a trail of failed relationships behind me. I'm not very good at them, even though I try really hard.

9. I can sing.

10. I love to travel - nothing gets the heart pounding like a little jaunt into the developing world.

11. I wash my hands dozens of times a day - I've got a "germ thing."

12. I *rarely* get sick. (Reference #11)

13. I'm brand loyal to very few things - Wisk, Heinz ketchup, Colgate winterfresh gel toothpaste, Tampax tampons, Jif peanut butter.

14. I HATE to clothes shop. Good grief, could there be anything more mind numbingly dull?

15. I hate carpet - nasty stuff. If you put a rug down and walk on it, it's filthy in a few days. Why do you think gluing the rug down prevents it from getting dirty?

16. I suck at trivial pursuit.

17. I have a *major* case of ADD and consider it a blessing.

18. I don't like to go to the movies. I'm a prisoner in a theatre.

19. Freedom is the one thing I've never had enough of.

20. I was on my fourth career before I turned 40.

21. I write cookbook reviews.

22. I used to do radio.

23. I used to do TV.

24. I used to write for a newspaper.

25. I have written a novel. It's not great, but at least I strung together 100,000 words and they make some sense.

26. I've been keeping a journal since I was in grade school.

27. People tell me I don't look my age - 43. I certainly don't feel my age.

28. I've been involved with men much older and much younger.

29. I think people spend far too much time thinking about what they SHOULD do instead of just doing what they WANT to do.

30. One of the most meaningful songs to me is Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee" because of the line, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Because it's true.

31. I love Maya Angelou.

32. I know what it's like to be facing someone older and stronger than you, thinking they are going to kill you. (He didn't, obviously. He probably regretted it.)

33. I have two brothers that were married with children before I was born.

34. I have laminates on eight of my teeth. I got them when it was a very new procedure. Love them.

35. I have been fat all my life. It's part of who I am. Take me or leave me.

36. I miss my Mama. She's been gone for 4 years now.

37. One of the people in this world I know I can always count on is my ex bf, who remains one of my best friends on the planet. He always will be. We just don't make a good couple.

38. I'm a pack rat.

39. I love "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered" on NPR.

40. I collect rocks.

41. I am an artist.

42. I am a writer.

43. I cannot remember details of shows, books, etc.

44. I treasure my friends.

45. I adore my family - none of that "oh, I don't get along with fill-in-the-blank" foolishness.

46. My great nephew, BC, is one of my favorite people on the planet.

47. My sister in law, Mary Ann, has always been a second mom to me. She is the ROCK of the family. Don't know what families do that don't have a Mary Ann. We are blessed.

48. I know that the dimensions we perceive in this world are very limited. And we limit ourselves by not looking beyond them.

49. I adore having an art studio in my house.

50. I could create on the computer for hours and hours.

51. I'm a good cook. Very good cook. I love to bake.

52. I love lipfinity lipstick.

53. I believe that journalism is a noble profession.

54. I used to be a journalist.

55. I have compiled and edited cookbooks.

56. I have designed billboards, bus ads, posters, programs, ads and dozens of other things.

57. I have voiced national radio ads.

58. I like genealogy.

59. I took a quilting class. I like to choose the fabric. The sewing isn't my favorite thing.

60. I love to dye things like freezer paper.

61. I learned to sew by making Barbie Doll clothes.

62. I am redoing an old house.

63. People think I'm weird. They might be right.

64. I'm definitive.

65. Decision making is pretty easy for me.

66. I'm convinced it's pretty obvious what's right and what's wrong. People just like to pretend otherwise so they don't have to take responsibility.

67. I have "Patsy's Rules for Living" that keep me centered.

68. The confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers at Cairo, Illinois is an important place for me.

69. I was born and raised in Kentucky.

70. I graduated from the U. of Kentucky - Go Wildcats - with degrees in Journalism and Telecommunications. I work in the Mental Health field now. Nothing like using that education.

71. I love Mary Englebreit's Home Companion but still miss Victoria.

72. I went to Egypt by myself.

73. I've hiked in the Guatemalan jungle.

74. I love Paris.

75. I am not afraid of death. Never have been. I'd rather live fully and have fewer days, than live a long time and be afraid.

76. I get a lot of things done every day.

77. I don't sleep much. Six hours is plenty for me. I can do with much less.

78. I've never bought a new piece of furniture.

79. I grew up on a tobacco farm. I hope I never have to raise tobacco again but I can if I have to.

80. I have never smoked anything - including tobacco.

81. I don't drink. It all tastes bad to me - beer, wine, whatever. Very occasionally I have a margarita with Mexican food but don't get the thrill of getting shit faced. There's a season for everything in life and by the time you're old enough to do that legally, that season should be wrapping up.

82. I don't do drugs.

83. I own a discussion group.

84. I think our lack of connection with one another will be part of our undoing.

85. I can read people. Have always been able to. But I don't do it without permission.

86. I know when people are feeding me a line of bullshit. I can't figure out why others don't see it. It's incredibly obvious to me.

87. I have been criticized for being smart, efficient, getting a lot done and not needing supervision.

88. I have a "genius" IQ. Pity I think IQ tests are bogus.

89. I am incredibly annoyed by stupid people.

90. I laugh every day. Heartily. Multiple times a day.

91. I write every day.

92. I meditate every day.

93. I pray every day.

94. I do not believe in war.

95. Clinton is the only president I've ever voted for who got into the white house. And I've voted in every election since I've been old enough.

96. I love cats but don't have any.

97. I am not a huge fan of music. I sing along with the radio. That's about it.

98. I love old costume jewelry pins.

99. I treasure the family things I have - quilts, trinkets, furniture - my mom's dining room table where almost everyone I've ever loved has gathered at one point or another.

100. I have been kissed while standing on the banks of the Nile.

101. I think I'm a very dull person.

102. I hate to be confined in any fashion - including 101 things about me.
 
A few days later I continued the list...
 
103. I love old diners and restaurants.

104. I love my Birks - and other comfy shoes.

105. I was hit on by a lesbian at Lilith Fair. Yes, she was wearing Birks. No, I declined her offer. Got no problem with it - just happen to like the equipment men come with best.

106. I have participated in a major, award-winning, oral history project.

107. One of my radio pieces is in a time capsule at the Cosmosphere.

108. I can crochet and knit and embroider.

109. I love kitsch.

110. Monet's gardens at Giverny used to be one of my favorite spots on Earth. Now the hoardes of tourists ruin the effect for me.

111. Willie Nelson told me I had "beautiful blue eyes" once.

112. I have covered all the public areas of the Louvre.

113. I've been alone inside Stonehenge.

114. I've been alone inside the tomb of Unas.

115. I climbed the Red Pyramid.

116. I love old cemetaries.

117. I've studied French. Extensively. Mais je ne parle pas francais.

118. I've studied Spanish. No hablo espanol.

119. I've studied heirogylphics. No hope I can ever manage that. I know a few things but no way can I read them.

120. I've never been married.

121. I've never been pregnant. (That I know of, anyway.)

122. I've had wonderful men in my life. I have great taste in boyfriends.

123. My mother taught me to be happy. It was a wonderful gift.

124. I have no parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles left.

125. I am fascinated by serial killer stories. No... I don't want to marry one... just want to study them like a bug under a microscope.

126. I enjoy thinking/reading/talking about quantum physics.

127. I am part Cherokee.

128. I know how to shoot a gun and use a bow and arrow. I'm pretty good with both.

129. I've never been arrested.

130. I've never even had a speeding ticket.

131. I sued a company once for packing a worm in a can of corn. I lost.

132. I want the world to be "fair" and will fight battles that are not my own. I also think companies shouldn't pack worms in cans or corn, and sell them as "wholesome," but a jury didn't agree so what do I know?

133. I love to dress up - Halloween, Ren Fest, whatever.

134. I don't like scary movies. Fear is not an emotion I enjoy so I don't pay people to induce it in me.

135. A drawing of my hand was used on a billboard once.

136. I never cheat. I'm a 1000% faithful in any relationship.

137. I don't believe in keeping a spotless house - too much energy for too little return.

138. I make very good pie crust.

139. I plan great parties.

140. I don't believe in regret.

141. I've fixed tea, with a dozen things on the plate, for 100.

142. I carry wet wipes with me at all times. Hate germs.

143. I don't mind the blood on accident scenes but the sounds people make when they're really hurt get to me.

144. I've never dyed my hair. (Although as more gray appears, this will change.)

145. I rarely take any over the counter medication.

146. I love Christmas.

147. I've never had a traditional birthday party.

148. I love my long hair.

149. I can't wear a watch - they stop working on me.

150. I seek others who see beyond the limits of this dimension in which we live.

151. I believe in the power of thought.

152. I like good old boys - minus the trans-am and the skoal.

153. I love fun surprises.

154. My mother didn't know she was pregnant with me for quite some time. Took modern medicine a four day hospital stay to figure it out. The local "witch doctor" had told her weeks before just from looking at her across a room.

155. I think on dozens of tracks all at the same time.

156. Writing helps me figure thing out.

157. I have a great interest in the civil rights movement.

158. I admire Mamie Till.

159. I think Minnow was right when he said TV was a "vast wasteland." It has only gotten worse since then.

160. I love rivers. I am a person of rivers.

161. I have some issues with the concept of women's rights. I'd like "people's rights."

162. I think we need to accept that there are some differences between the genders.

163. I am not politically correct a large part of the time.

164. I am not ethnocentric regarding being an American.

165. I love long bubble baths.

166. I know education is the key to solving all the world's problems.

167. I get very pissed off at the extremes of any political situation.

168. I want to stop having the abortion debate. I want to get rid of unwanted pregnancy and therefore never have abortion again.

169. I am fascinated by the minds of people who do things far outside the "norm" - like mothers who kill their own children. Don't want to emulate them - just want to question them.

170. I'm a good interviewer - it was one of my great skills in radio.

171. I have a good voice - if I lived in a larger city I could probably make a living by doing voice work.

172. I can't act.

173. I can't dance.

174. I can play piano.

175. I was a music major. Briefly.

176. I've never been hungry and not known food was available. That is something most Americans can say, but not most of the rest of the world.

177. I have done therapy.

178. I have been in caves.

179. I have been on mountains.

180. I have been at a volcano.

181. I have been on the sea.

182. I have looked at the Mediterrean, the Atlantic, the Pacific and sailed the Panama Canal.

183. I have done pieces for NPR and CBS.

184. I have a large birthmark.

185. I can't tell left/right without looking at my birthmark.

186. I have won awards for news, public relations and graphic design.

187. I find the French to be lovely people. The British seem to hate me - always rude to me when I'm there.

188. I have been to an Egyptian wedding.

189. I am not a jealous sort. I believe in trust - not jealousy.

190. I have had three broken bones.

191. I have never had stitches.

192. I am impressed with people who have vision. I used to work for a man who had tremendous vision. And he could see how to take it from vision to reality.

193. I've never met a very powerful person who didn't have a vice. (Think: Clinton and women; Bush and cocaine; etc. etc. etc.)

194. My family history goes back to France in the 12th century. Or so we think anyway.

195. Some people think I'm a computer geek. I'm really just a geek wanna be. I don't know enough to be a geek.

196. I was published in the India Times once. Yeah, the one that's published in India.

197. I came home from the hospital on Christmas Day.

198. I still have most of my childhood toys - including my first doll.

199. My grandmother was blind.

200. I can drive a stick shift.

201. I own a copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead. Doesn't everyone?

202. I have over 1000 cookbooks.

203. I have every letter I've ever gotten - and copies of many I've written.

204. I adore perfume. Nice perfume. Expensive perfume. I wear it every day - even if I'm just in my house alone.

205. I'm not a big jewelry person. But I like to make jewelry. Go figure.

206. I love to make art with other people.

207. Making things with other people is a bonding experience.

208. I have no savings. I have debt. Money is a continual thorn in my side.

209. I've been to Graceland.

210. I'm not especially modest.

211. I can't rollerskate. I've tried. It's not pretty.

212. I can make truffles. And divinity. And fudge.

213. I make a killer carrot cake.

214. I'm not into celebrities. At all.

215. But I do want my Mtv.

216. I painted my kitchen blue and yellow because Monet's kitchen is blue and yellow. Although I did use much more intense colors.

217. My upstairs bathroom color was chosen from some embroidery floss.

218. I hate snakes. Getting bitten by one this spring did not change my opinion of them any.

219. I've been to Nicaragua.

220. I studied handwriting analysis.

221. I love the feeling of sleeping in a chilly room under tons of blankets.

222. I have planned concerts, receptions, weddings, teas, garden tours, homes tours and dozens of other events.

223. My favorite journals are Claire Fontaine quad notebooks about 7 by 9 inches. Unfortunately, they're unavailable in the US.

224. I love to be in love.

Much Needs To Be Continued... from Jim and Fred at Prairie Oak Farms

Life has a way of moving on ahead, regardless of our motivation in the matter. New souls come into the world and others leave it. If we're lucky as we take life's journey, and I've been incredibly fortunate, we cross paths with people who add to our lives. Some are brilliant, some ask us questions that remain with us, some leave us with a longing, and some show us how to create a life we couldn't imagine before we met them. There are teachers and students.

Many years ago I met Jim and Fred, of Prairie Oak Farms, in Edwards County, Kansas. I had heard about them before I met them. It seemed everyone but me already knew this wonderful couple. Because of my work at the time I found myself at their farm one warm afternoon. I loved them instantly. It wasn't the greenhouse filled with orchids, the birds in elaborate cages, or the French cupboards in their dining room, but the warmth of these men that attracted me.

My friend and I no doubt overstayed our welcome that day, and promised to return. But, alas, that didn't happen. And I must take responsibility for that lack. I saw them again at various times, but never made it back to the farm where their souls were evident in everything they touched. Thousands of others made the trek, but we never did, although it was mentioned regularly.

Over the years we exchanged Christmas cards, and this letter I ran across recently was in response to one in 2002. On these pages, two friends are mentioned - Marci Penner and Martha Slater. Jim writes that if I didn't know them, no doubt I knew their names. I did know them, but know them better now.

There is a belief in some faiths that we are born into "soul circles" and that in each lifetime we interact with the same souls in different ways, until we complete whatever business we have together. It lends credence to the idea of "small world" instances. It seems I may have missed my opportunity with Jim and Fred through negligence on my part. There never seems to be a "good time" to do something like drive a few hours to visit a farm on a, "dirt road in the middle of a corn field," as Jim writes here.

These two and a half pages cover life and death. He offers condolences on my Mother's passing. He mentions he and Fred have been together for 25 years. Like most of our daily existence, it contains all the extremes. It's only with the benefit of time that we see them there - obvious now, but not so easy to spot then.

Jim and Fred are both gone, now. And it is a loss to everyone who knew them - even those like me who didn't know them as well as we would have liked. I'm thankful to have these pieces of paper, with Jim's beautiful handwriting, knowing that in early December of 2002 he took time to think of me, and share himself with me in this way. Nothing will ever replace the handwritten word to me. It brings a piece of the soul onto the page. I keep every letter because it seems nearly sinful to do anything but cherish something given so generously.

He signs off with "Love, Fred and Jim," and then adds a sentence that seems prophetic in retrospect. "Much needs to be continued - right?!"

Right.

Timing

When I left for work this morning, the tree in my front yard had green buds. I returned 10 hours later to find a tree in bloom.



Everything is about timing, it seems. I heard someone say tonight that most love affairs end badly, often because of bad timing. That is, indeed, very true. The same can be said about affairs other than those of the heart.

The timing being off can lead us to leave people, jobs and towns. We "bide our time" and bemoan "bad timing."

But then, just as we think there's no hope, something beautiful happens, and we get a fresh start.



It truly is all in the timing.